Heart shattered to bits.

[Guest_9043]

I wrote a "letter email" to my mother this morning. It was painful and I cried. I wrote to get to advise her that I had decided to cut contact for the time being. It is the second parent I have had to cut contact with. I did my father ten years ago. I didn't even tell him I just cut contact and have not looked back since. I didn't have any support and did not look for support. This however I know I need to instead of trying to do it alone.

In my letter to my mother I named the abuse and some of the incidents of abuse she inflicted on me. The abuse went on for 33 or 34 years. One of those numbers. That is a very long time. I told her how the abuse made me feel and I told her how much damage it had done to me and my life. I told her that I have wounds and scars for life. I told her about the things I have never been able to do, still cannot do and may never be able to do because of the abuse. It is not possible for me to heal fully nor make a full recovery. I do wonder if anyone will love me even with my past. I know I will never find myself in another abusive relationship again, I just wonder if someone healthy, loving, kind and good will be able to love me or just see me as "damaged goods".

I told my mother that the abuse was not my fault and that there are no reasons or excuses that justify the abuse inflicted on me over the years. I told her about the flashbacks I live with. I told her that she was never there to support me when I needed her the most. I told her that all I had ever done was love her. I would like to talk about the abuse but due to the rules here I cannot. I do not want to speak to someone from beyond blue via phone or via the online support chat. It is a trigger for me so I do not wish to. So here in the forums and 1800 respect is all I have for now.

I told her a lot more that I cannot cover here. I also said that I could not promise when and if I would ever be in contact again and I would not put that pressure on myself. I told her that I would not be responding to any emails. I had to work through so much fear before sending it. "What if my mum did something stupid"?. "Is she strong enough to cope with this"?, as she is getting older now. "How will she cope"?. I had to feel guilt and like a bad person for hurting my mum with this email. All of it my conditioning growing up. I knew that, it was just hard to see past it to send it.

I really need some upliftment, some kindness and to know people care. I have just got me. Thanks.

[Quercus]

Hello 2quik,

I got a bit teary reading your post just now.

One word keeps circling my brain... Brave. That's how I see you.

Cutting ties with family is hard work. Hard doesn't cover it really. I've cut ties with my sister and it never ceases to amaze/sadden/confuse me how hard I have to work NOT to care. My husband says it is hard for me not to care because I am a kind and loving person at heart. I think you must be too.

I h when you have a loving amd forgiving nature you need firm boundaries to survive. Your letter is fair. What your parents did was cruel wrong and your decision to cut ties is absolutely a reasonable one as I see it. I'm sure others will agree. Your safety is so important and if contact is making you feel worse then staying away sounds like a very fair plan to me. Above all... You are worth caring about and loved. Being abused can crush your belief in your own worth. I'm in awe of how you were able to confront your Mother so honestly. Hopefully in time and with the care of good people you can learn to believe in yourself. I hope to see you around the forums. We're happy to remind you you're deserving of kindness and love whenever you need to hear it. ❤ Nat

[Guest_9043]

Hi Quercus,

Thanks for the reply. I even cried so it's understandable it made you teary.

Being brave was hard. As you say cutting ties is hard. It's hard work to undo your thinking patterns that were ingrained into you. It's sad that it has come to this. I never in my life thought I would have the courage to do it. There you go though I did.

Of course your husband is right but losing what you held so dear to you is hard even if it was toxic. It's the toxicity that was making me unwell and the reason I had been unwell for such a very long time. I'm slowly giving back to them what was never mine and it belongs to them. I won't carry their burdens and weight anymore.

I gave so many chances, they ran out. I agree on firm boundaries. I never knew what boundaries were. If you don't have boundaries though people will just walk all over you. Learning boundaries at the age of 40 is hard.

In sending that email letter, I was worried and upset all day and all night. It was old haunts. My mother made me so responsible for her own wellbeing, emotional states and times of crisis. I was never her daughter. I was her parent. That's what role she gave me. I excused it for such a long time cause she had a very difficult childhood. In saying that though she should have gone for help instead of pinning it on me.

Now, she has lost me and she is on her own having to deal or not deal with what she did. Either way that's her stuff now. I'm not waiting for her to get well so I can have a mother. I'm moving on.

The letter was more than fair. I told my truth. Whatever it does to get or for her, I don't care. I haven't done anything wrong. I told the truth, I did not abuse her. I just told the truth.

[Guest_9043]

If anyone wants to, listen to the song rascal Flatts. I'm moving on. That song works for me right now.

[Quercus]

Hi 2Quik,

I've asked BB to edit my first reply to finish what I was trying to say. I fell asleep on the couch again while writing. I'm sorry for that. It happens a lot lately.

Your new posts made me cry too. There is so much hope in your writing but also such clear pain and hurt. The song you shared is beautiful. I love these words most of all...

At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees but I'm not alone

You wrote you're giving back what belongs to them. That is the most powerful thing I've ever read on these forums. People that harm us seem to have this awful way of making us feel it is our fault. But it isn't. The hardest part is accepting it wasn't our fault. You deserved better.

I'm a stranger but for what it is worth I'm so ridiculously bloody proud of you right now! I hope you see how strong you are.

If I could wish one thing for you right now it would be to always remember clearly how determined and sure and maybe even free this decision has made you feel today.

Seeing as music helps you there is a song which helped me gather the strength and confidence to leave an abusive relationship once that you might enjoy. It's called Powerless by Nelly Furtado. I find it very empowering.

Nat

[Guest_9043]

Hello Nat,

Lovely to hear back from you. Oh do not worry about falling asleep, I do it too. Thank you for finishing it off and I have read it. My decision to cut contact was because no I wasn't safe with her. There was a defining moment for me where I completely snapped like I had NEVER EVER done before. After a few days I knew it was time for me to let go. It was my breaking point. In a nut shell all the past came flooding in and in that moment I realised very painfully that I was never going to be able to have the mother I wanted because she had zero awareness of what she was doing and most of all she held the same expectations of me as a child. That was my ENOUGH point. It all just came to a head. I had to break free of it. I just do not understand why she did not go and get help. Anyway, understanding that or knowing doesn't mean what she did goes away.

I am pleased you loved the song. Sometimes specifics stand out for us in songs that help get us through dark times. I grew up with music and it has saved my life so many many times. I have a great respect for people who bring these amazing gifts into the world. Thank you for hearing my pain and my hope in my writing. It is hard but also nice to be able to express myself after being so silent for such a very long time.

Thank you, I never realised that the statement was that powerful. I guess in a soulful way yes it is. I am saying it ain't mine to carry anymore. I thought that was love, carrying people's burdens for them but it is not. Yes I agree and often it is indirect that it is our fault through the use of things they say which makes us feel it is our fault. With such complex trauma it does take time to untangle and the untangling is hard because it is pain, it is hurt, it is truth, it is anger, it is all the things that one feels when learning the truth.

In regards to what it is worth what you said to me about being proud of me. It's lovely, thank you. Strangers are only people you have not met yet, we have connected so we are not strangers. I cannot yet say I am proud of myself. In time, I will be able too.

The wishes you wish for me come from such a beautiful place inside of yourself, that is YOU and I hope you see that in yourself too.

Check following post.

[Guest_9043]

This what you said below.

Above all... You are worth caring about and loved. Being abused can crush your belief in your own worth. I'm in awe of how you were able to confront your Mother so honestly. Hopefully in time and with the care of good people you can learn to believe in yourself. I hope to see you around the forums. We're happy to remind you you're deserving of kindness and love whenever you need to hear it.

Thank you, I really need these reminders. I cannot be EVERYTHING to myself. I have for a long time. Absolutely 100% being abused can completely crush your worth. I am a very honest person and sometimes people do not like honesty even if they say they do. I actually read back on it today what I wrote to her. In some ways it was like telling her a story, it just happened to be mine. It is and was clear to me that through what I wrote I was no longer looking for answers from her, I no longer needed her, I do not know what it is like to have her. I am taking this week out for me to come to terms with this massive deal. If I need a bit longer I will take it.

I listened to Powerless by Nelly Furtado. Strong words. Abuse in any form is about power. Well it is the foundation that underpins abuse. However depending on the type of abuse and/or various types of abuse sometimes I think it is about more than just the power and control. I understand. I left a same sex Domestic Violence on the 29th June this year. I am still left to deal with that, it is just that what is currently happening is taking up all my strength and energy just to get through. I am a full-time job. When I left my song was Kesha-Praying.

I will be needing to be reminded I deserve kindness and love sometimes and I am working hard, a helping hand that is genuine I would never say no to. Thank you. I do hope to see you around the forums as well. Thanks for responding, it has been such a pleasure and so healing for me to hear what you have said.

Lee.

[Guest_9043]

Hi Quercus

I have been in a complete state of shock. I have only worked out today that is what is going on with me. It's been a difficult year for me. I left a Same Sex Domestic Violence relationship on June 29 this year. It was the catalyst to really open up my Childhood abuse by both parents. Having that hit me on top of leaving Domestic Violence very nearly cost me my life many times.

So as I said I am in shock. I am shaking like a leaf today. That has just started this morning. For those who have never been through it, there are no straightforward steps to take. Navigating this is damn hard. At the very least I can no longer be abused by her. What is hurting me is I was living a lie for such a long time. This trauma and abuse has hit me very hard. Why did I not know the extent of the abuse my mother was doing to me? In some ways I am in denial. I do not see that as a bad thing because to acknowledge the last 33 years of my life as a Survivor of Childhood abuse is too much to bear for my heart.

I have an emergency appointment with my new doctor tomorrow.

I have put therapy on hold and that was right for me because I am not capable of being present enough and I need to build my strength. I realise that people mean very well when they tell me you are so strong and I appreciate it. It is just a trigger for me in some ways because I had not been given a choice but to be strong. Yes, I know I am a strong person, thus I am also human and the strength I have needed for the last 33 years of my life is just not there right now. I am tired, I am weak. I need time to re build my strength.

It takes time to build supports. I have started here and in a few other places. Today, I really need a lift up to help me keep going on the things I have to do. I am thankful that I cannot be abused anymore. I have taken away any access to me. She can't fix the damage and I need to remove myself from the person that caused the damage. The whole "it wasn't my fault thing" I know. I am having to remind myself often throughout the day.

I am doing the best I can support wise and I am not prepared to do more. I am on my own in the physical sense.Just though to reach out here.