From back pain to brain pain

[Sadonsmith]

Hi there, I'm new and this is so out of my comfort zone but here goes. I'm in my early 50's & live by myself in Vic with my 2 rescue dogs. I stopped working mid last year because my back pain had become so severe that I could no longer walk more than about 5 minutes so I had back surgery in January then another surgery 3 days later after my right leg went numb and they discovered a blood clot. From hospital I went into rehab for 2 weeks with lots of hydro and physio before coming home in a back brace, my best friend come from interstate to look after me. I then commenced rehab as an out patient desperate to get feeling back but have given up on that about 2 months ago as there was no improvement, although I am persistent and continue the same exercises at home. My expectation was that I would be right to get back to work by March at the latest and here we are in December. My right leg, foot and both inner legs are still numb,I have rolled both ankles and sprained my right knee - walking is painful and scary, I have fallen in excess of 10 times, usually a rolled ankle and a few bruises. Feeling completely useless and overwhelmed my physio & rehab suggested that I see a psychologist and i have been diagnosed with anxiety and depression and started medication in June. Seeing the psychologist has brought up alot of emotions that I had carefully hidden away, particularly a serious sexual assault and a lot of physical abuse and now I am afraid of leaving the house and cannot see any future for myself. My back pain is exhausting, the pain killers cause me gastro issues and it is all becoming too much. I have been questioning why I would continue living like this since May and as the days pass nothing improves and there is no joy or happiness. I thought that the medication would take this away but I have already had it changed, increased - doubled, and the feelings are the same. I've now found myself in a terrible financial state after not working for so long and am terrified that I will lose my home if I cannot get better and get a job. I'm receiving income protection but that doesn't even cover my living expenses so I had to drop my private health insurance along with many other things. Does anyone have a crystal ball because for me, it's all getting too damn hard!

[Soberlicious96]

Dear Sadonsmith,

Welcome to Beyond Blue and well done for reaching out.

I must say that on reading your post, I thought 'gosh, no wonder you're feeling so overwhelmed with everything.' It sounds like you've been though the ringer. I also thought 'yeah, I know what some of that is like'. I too had a significant back injury when I was 21, and I too have permanent pain, but mostly numbness in my right thigh. Although certainly not the the extent that you do. I just have some nerve damage and numbness. And I never had to have surgery. But I did have about 18 months of very frequent physio and chiropractic work done on my spine. It was probably the most pain, and the most consistent at that, I have ever had.

It was recommended to me at the time to be in a wheelchair for 12 months, but I refused. I was stubborn and would not follow direction. I might at that I was also drinking heavily at the time, and now when I look back, I think that if I had've just done what was suggested, I may not have the resulting nerve damage that I have now. Which brings me to my next point;

You mentioned that 'walking is very painful and scary', yeah? Would it therefore be worth looking into getting some walking aids (if you haven't already) - such as a walker frame, or even a chair or scooter of some sort - just to give your body a bit of a break and a chance to heal, without the pressure of the 'impact' from walking? Have you discussed this with your rehab team? It doesn't have to mean you would need the walking aids forever. Just maybe for a few months, maybe a year or so? I know, I know, I hear you; it's already been nearly a year. Unfortunately these things take time, and often much more time than we like.

Maybe you could also talk to your doctor about what sort of disability support is available to you? and again, it doesn't have to mean it's a permanent condition. Just things to help you for now, for as long as it takes to get back into gear.

As for the childhood stuff .... yeah, I get that too. I was in a high-speed car crash about 4 years ago, and it too brought up some stuff that I had conveniently shoved away to the back of my mind. Funny how pain does that.

So in answer to your question about the crystal ball, no sorry, I don't have one. But I do understand at least a little of what you are going through. Well, as much as I can anyway.

I hope all that helps at least a little?

Take care. I'll be thinking of you. xo

[Sadonsmith]

Thanks so much Soberlicious96, you've made my day!! I was just about to log off and saw your message, thank you. I've declined the advice of physio & rehab to use of any aids, my ego will not allow, I hope for the miracle!! I still beat that dead horse, to no avail and here I think is my outlet to acknowledge that I have lost! Through my life I have seen the way people are looked at and judged so for me a fall and some bruises is much more acceptable than the ugly stares that I see in peoples faces towards those like me. I know that it is a reality that I will have to bear but still I resist and confine myself to avoid the stares and judgement. Thank you for your kind post, it is the first day of me trying to come to the realisation that the rest of my life is not going to be how I had planned and it hurts like hell to be honest, so thank you again I really apppreciate that you could even want to care or comment, this is an awakening experience for me.

[Quercus]

Hello Sadonsmith and thank you for reaching out on the forums. I hope you find the support you need here.

Soberlicious has said it all really. But as a 34 year old managing autoimmune arthritis and depression your story hit me so hard I wanted to reply also.

You wrote that your life isn't going to go the way you planned and it hurts. Oh my goodness I know that feeling much too well. It is very difficult to accept pain and changes to your mobility. I felt imprisoned and alternated between feeling empty and angry.

When the doctors can't give you any idea of what might happen it is so hard to adjust. Plus results and the process of trialling medications can take a long time. I found it hard to know how to get through. Do you give up on rehabilitation and accept your new reality or do you hold onto hope and risk being let down if nothing changes? I wish I had the answers.

One thing noone told me which made me very angry recently is that there are two types of Medicare safety nets you can use to help finances. The safety net people usually talk about is for doctor's appointments, specialists etc. But there is another for medications. We had to find the form and the process looks intentionally difficult. But provided you buy from one chemist you can get any prescribed medication subsidised once you spend $1500 in a calendar year. I spend about $250 a month on prescription meds so it would have been helpful to know this year's ago seeing as we have 2 kids and are struggling. Grrr. Have you looked into this?

There is so much to say but for now this is overwhelming enough.

I hope you feel able to focus on one day at a time and that you feel some sort of relief soon (whether mind or body).

You are welcome to join in wherever it feels helpful to you. Perhaps these forums can distract you in moments you feel alone.

❤nat

[Sadonsmith]

Hi Nat, thanks so much for your reply. Yes it is a complicated issue but I am stupidly uninsured and as a single person with a mortgage I thought that I was ok and would be back at work within a few months . . .. . . sorry!! I don't have children but I have 3 big! rescue dogs and have been working since I was 17 and had got myself into quite a comfortable life, I thoought that I had everything covered so that if I had any hiccups in life, we would be ok. Oooops!! all wrong!@ following the surgery everything went wrong and now my health issues along with the stress, panic attacks and anxiety I am completely and utterly F###ed!! My days now are how to clean up the house and find a kind way for us to exit this horror. The guilt of hurting my family is overwhelming, and I cant stop the tears. It has just become too hard to continue and I am just so exhausted trying to survive. My life has been too har d and ive given too much trying to help others, all the energy has gone now and I just need some peace and quiet. I'm sure dad has missed me too, nothing like I have missed him. I've missed him every single day since he left 😞

[Quercus]

Hello again Sadonsmith,

Your last post has me a bit worried. You sound so incredibly distressed right now. Are you safe at the moment?

I can ask the support team here to check in with you if you're feeling at risk, do you think that would be helpful to you?

I'm very sorry if I've read your post wrong and got it mixed up. I suppose when you mentioned missing your Dad and wanting peace it reminded me of my own story...in particular, planning suicide.

My heart aches just imagining where you're at right now. Unless you've experienced constant pain and how it uproots your whole life it is difficult to explain how distressing it is. Even now my family find it hard to understand why the idea of my illness flaring up again sets me off into despair.

It helped me to download and complete a safety plan. You can download one on of the BB website. It helped me to realise if the thoughts became too tempting I had a plan sorted listing the steps I'd try to get through the moments.

I hpe you're safe and would love to hear about your fur babies if you want to share.

❤ Nat

[Sadonsmith]

Thanks again Nat, I'm ok and am looking at a safety plan right now. I'm seeing my psychologist tomorrow too. I'm just exhausted from all this atm. I'll get back to you later, thank you for caring and taking the time to talk to me, I really appreciate. Helen 🙂

[Soberlicious96]

Dear Sadonsmith,

You're welcome. And I too will pray for a miracle for you! ....... although I will also say that when I first got sober and was internally aching for, and externally whinging about, not having the life that I saw others having, the older sober members of AA said to me; "If you pray for potatoes, then make sure that at some point you also pick up a hoe." In other words, all miracles require some sort of 'footwork' from us humans in order to help the miracle happen.

I often think of Kerry-Anne Kennerly's husband, who had that 'tiny little' fall from just one metre high, from a verandah, and how he never walked again. My spinal injury was because of someone falling down a hill of about 50 metres, and landing right on top of me. I might add at this point that I am 5 foot 2 and at that time about 65 kilos, and the fellow that landed on my spine was about 7 foot 2. He was HUGELY tall, and apparently quite overweight as well, and he LANDED ON my spine. I was unconscious for about half an hour and when I came to, I was laying on a stretcher with about six ambulance officers 'working on me' to bring me back. And yet here I am walking and talking and working and living a very independent life, and yet Kerry-Anne's husband never walked again, and has also now passed away. There are times when I see people in wheelchairs that I think 'why is that not me? Why did I get to walk and talk and work and be okay? Don't get me wrong, I am extremely grateful for my health and wellbeing, but some things just don't make sense, you know?

Anyway, for me too it was my ego that kept me out of a wheelchair, and looking back, I have often thought that if only I had swallowed my pride and had done what was suggested at the time (like, I even refused to go to the hospital from the race track where I had been watching the drag racing) the medical treating staff most surely would have been able to provide the correct treatment, and maybe now I would have the nerve damage and nerve pain that I now live with. Pins and needles in my hands and feet are a regular occurrence for me, and many many a nights sleep are disturbed because of them.

I suppose what I'm getting at is what the long term effect could be? Maybe, just maybe, if you take a more humbling action now, then later on down the track you will be much better off? I don't know. I'm certainly no expert.

Anyway, must go now. Running our of room, sorry. Take care. All the best. I'll be thinking of you. xo