Compulsive Liar

[Jezza251]

Hi

Wasn't sure where to start, I'm 45 and need help with my compulsive lying. I used to always lie when I was younger and it never stopped, there were times when the truth was being shown in front of me and I would still lie. I have a wife and two kids and I don't want to accept this is who I am anymore. I'm not sure where to start so I am jumping on in the hope someone might be able to inform me of how I can stop this self destructive behaviour. I was abused as a child and part of me knows that might have been the start of this but I want to stop this defining who I am. I have a great life and it always feels like I get to a point where everything is awesome and then I go ahead and ruin it. please help as I don't want to lose my family as it's the only thing I've ever really had

[PamelaR]

Hi Jezza and warm welcome to our forums

It's great you have found your way to our community. From what you've said it sounds like you are at a crossroad and ready to make changes in your life. Hopefully you will find our forums a support for you.

Being a compulsive liar is often associated with childhood trauma. My younger brother is similar to you. He can say black is white and you would think he really believes it. It wasn't until recently that someone identified the reason for the compulsive lying - it was a way of coping when he was younger. To try to get out of trouble which often meant his abuse, berating and beating. I can see his shame, pain and guilt even now as a middle aged man. Does this sound anything you can relate to?

Working through childhood trauma is difficult and a trying time. Do you think you might be up to working through it with someone - someone who is experienced with childhood trauma?

I have been through the process - it has taken years, however I have recovered and healed. It doesn't mean life is always rosy, it does mean that my quality of life has improved and I can manage those behaviours that are a result of my upbringing.

It's taking a step forward and often several steps back. This process goes on for some time. However, for me the journey was well worth the effort. My relationship with my hubby is the best now than it's ever been.

Do you have any ideas about how you'd like us to help? I can give you so options for moving forward, however, I'm sure you will know many of these, e.g. going to see your doctor and getting a referral for a mental health plan, and/or contacting Blue Knot Foundation - https://www.blueknot.org.au

Hope some of this helps Jezza.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[paddyanne]

Hi Jezza251. PamelaR has made some extremely valid points. Can I inquire if, as a child, you felt ashamed of your home life? Often youngsters embellish to hide or cover up how things really are at home. The constant lying to cover up becomes almost habitual and it gets harder to distinguish truth from fiction as we grow. The fact that you're aware but can't stop, suggests the habit is controlling you, rather than you being in control. I can only reiterate Pamela's suggestion of talking to a professional counselor. Maybe write down things because from habit you may automatically lie and that's a step back. It will be uncomfortable but anything worth fixing has to be done properly.

[Jezza251]

Hi paddyanne

My home life was torture, My brother abused me and set me up as a lyer in the family. I think he did that to make it impossible for me to ever tell them what he was doing. I was forever being asked if I did something bad like drink all the coke, and when I told the truth I was then punished for lying. It became my way to get into less trouble to lie. I find there are periods of my life that are really clear, and really honest and it's almost like I relax a little and I start lying, cheating and just destroying my life. I think I really need to go to counseling. I think my marriage is over. But I still need to try fix the man I've become

[paddyanne]

Hi Jezza251. I can well relate to your abusive home life as mine was similar. My school friends would ask if they could visit me but I lied to cover up why they shouldn't. Lying did become my ally but once I left home and didn't have to continue it was hard because my life consisted of lying, vicious cycle. I tried to stop, but like you, it became a habit and only stopped abruptly when I was caught out. Telling the truth can be major. You were abused and lied to as a child, so the habit formed before you could stop it. Is your wife fully aware of your past home life. Telling her would be a good start, the more she understands you love her and don't want to destroy the marriage, the better the bond would be. Part of the marriage ceremony includes the vow in sickness etc. This compulsion to lie is a form of mental health and your wife needs to understand how mental health affects us in so many different ways. She probably knows some of it, but not all.

[Jezza251]

Hi Paddyanne

Yeah I've told her about my past in great detail. I think she struggles because she is such an honest person, and has always been there to help and support me. before I posted yesterday I really thought that my lying was something that I controlled, after searching through the forums and articles it is clear to see that I need professional help. I could also see from her side that it's a convenient excuse. I'm starting to wonder if her life would be better without me. it's so hard to say things will be different when i've already broken so many promises to her before. And thanks for replying, it's a real tough time.

[paddyanne]

Hi again, Jezza. If you decide to leave someone you love, how will that help either of you? Because she is honest, it is difficult to understand why someone would be compelled to lie. Maybe see if both of you could attend counselling so your wife gets a clearer understanding. As I pointed out, mental health covers many aspect, one is the compulsion to lie. Your wife possibly doesn't really understand how your abusive background has affected you. Mental, physical, sexual abuse affects many people right through. I know my ex can't understand because he had a fairly loving, supportive family. The need to lie to cover is part of the after affects, if you like, of the abuse you suffered. Please see your Dr before making any decisions re: your marriage.

[Jezza251]

Hey Paddyannne

My problem is I lie and cheat on my wife, and cheated again after I promised I wouldn't.

[Jezza251]

I will see a doctor, but I'm pretty sad at what I've done

[paddyanne]

Hi Jezza. I think the problem is more deep seated than you have opened up here about. Lying and cheating repeatedly suggests possibly a reaction that you're not getting. What reaction do you want? If you want your wife to take the initiative and ask you to leave and she either ignores you or refuses to let go, does this make you more determined to destroy your marriage, if so, why? You say you love and want the marriage, yet you seem determined to destroy. Lying and knowing you have succeeded in lying can make us think we've gotten away with it. However, you are actually lying to several people here. Your wife, you, your children. You say you want to stop, get help, but you need to be honest with yourself if you want to break this vicious cycle. The only person who can change this negative, destructive behaviour is you, but you have to learn how to tell the truth. Start by being honest with you. See your Dr but be honest with him.