Guilt over miscarriage

[Guest_922]

I had a late term miscarriage. 19 weeks and 5 days. Nothing was wrong with my baby. He was alive while I was in labour. I feel like my actions leading up to pre term labour were to blame. I was working and had a very big week. I became very ill and pushed through work. I am still ill 11 days later and they don't know what it is. whilst I had seen a doctor 4 days prior to giving birth, I didn't go back for several days, even though I knew I had become worse. I couldn't walk and was only able to crawl to shower and bathroom then back to bed. I should have called an ambulance, I should have gathered the strength to go to the hospital. I didn't and I knew I was really sick, even though my husband didn't think I was that bad. If I had maybe they would have been able to treat my illness before labour happened and my little boy wouldn't have died. I hate myself, I blame myself for his death. I have two other kids and that keeps me going but I hate myself. I feel like I died the day I gave birth to my boy and they just forgot to bury me with him. I am seeing a psychologist but they couldn't fit me in for 3 weeks. I just needed to get this off my chest without looking at my family and friends and trying to find the right answers, what they want to hear.

[Quercus]

Hi Elaria,

I wish I had felt able to reply quicker. You sound so distressed and I feel like nothing I can say will help.

I'm listening though and care very much.

Your last post/poem was heartbreaking. Is seeing your psych helping at all?

Another member wrote once about narrative therapy. I have started trying it in my own way and was wondering if your psych has mentioned it at all?

The reason I ask is for me putting trauma into a story is helping somehow. I don't know if I will ever be able to let anyone read it but the act of recording the words helps me.

You mentioned before that sometimes you feel like the rest of your family are moving on and don't want to dwell on the past. I know moving on is important but it is hard to even try until you find some way to cope with what has happened.

I truly thought I would write about an abusive relationship but what emerged on paper was totally different. The traumatic experiences of my kids births, the isolation and depression and physical illness that followed. The grief of unexpectedly losing the life I knew. What do you think? Is this worth a try?

Is there any chance you will attend a support group Elaria? It might help to be surrounded by others who truly understand. Who will encourage you to talk about Samuel.

Your posts have me really worried about you. I feel almost afraid for you because you sound very alone.

Please keep writing if you can? I am going to ask some of the other CCs if they can help too and if you feel like you need it the support service can check in on you too?

I hope you are able to reach out to your husband too and tell him you need support. It is ok to miss Samuel no matter how much time passes. It is ok to feel angry. It is ok to feel regret. It is ok not to feel like you are coping as others are. And above all it is ok to need to be reminded that even though you cannot let go of the guilt you feel that Samuel's death was not your fault. It wasn't.

Please be safe Elaria.

Love Nat

[PamelaR]

Hi Elaria

I think we've talked before. Life is sounding very difficult for you at the moment. I see from another post that you are taking medication, and at times self medicating. Are you still seeing your doctor? That is so important.

The pain you are feeling is very real, and the triggers will be many. It is so hard trying to find out what they are and how you can work through them all. My thoughts are you are still going through grief. Sam's passing is not so long ago really.

I can't remember, are you seeing anyone, e.g. a psychologist or psychiatrist? PTSD is insidious. When you think you have everything under control, something happens to set off all the charges. It can take weeks, even months for things to settle. Loads of work!

Sleep is one of the most important things to try to get (without medication, if possible). For myself I find sleep when I can - doesn't matter if it's day or night. Just get the sleep.

This is hard for you I'd imagine because of your work which sounds very demanding. Stress is a great trigger for PTSD. Is there anyway you can reduce your work load for awhile? Talk with your doctor about getting time off for a month or two? And get some intensive work with a counsellor skilled in PTSD support?

Hope I'm not being to pushy Elaria. But it does sound like you are highly intelligent and need some very good support.

Keep reaching out.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Guest_922]

Hi Nat

im sorry I am worrying you. I don’t want to burden you. I have used this space to feel a connection with my son. To remember he existed. it is my grief and it’s dark. Im sorry. Please don’t worry about me.

[Guest_922]

Hi Pamela

we have spoken before. I see my doctor every few weeks to monitor my blood pressure and migraines. I haven’t seen my psychologist in a few months. I find I just tell them what they want to hear. “It works, I’m feeling better”. My doctor did say last week that I’m good at holding everything in. That I rarely falter but my blood pressure gives me away. It steadily rises with stress. Truth is none of it really works. I feel grief with the same intensity as I always have the only difference is there is more space between now. Work is my distraction, the more I take on the less time I have to think, the less time I have to be a crappy parent. I just do and the busyiness gives me space between. I can longer stand stillness. I need some purpose so I focus on my work and my kids. I don’t think I could step back even if I wanted to. Actually I think it was your stigma post that I wrote on. It’s what I struggle with the most. The reason I’m so guarded. Have to hold it together, can’t take time. Taking two weeks after it happened was enough for my boss to use that against me 8 months later. To progress you have to be composed, engaged and innovative. So that’s my goal I guess. To get out I will be these things. I enjoy these things. They just live side by side with my other self - my grief. I guess this forum is where that self is released. I’m sorry if Worry people. It’s not my intention. Sometimes I feel it all a bit too much and so I write here.

[Quercus]

Oh no!

Elaria you are not burdening me at all. I am thankful that you keep writing here and am glad it helps you feel a connection with Samuel.

I haven't explained myself well. As a Mum too I see your feelings as totally normal and understandable. The fact that you are putting how you feel in words somewhere and have an outlet is a positive thing.

My worry is how you mention offline there is nothing that helps. It doesn't seem fair (live isn't I know) that you have to split yourself into two... One coping and performing and one devestated and isolated. This is what worries me most.

I hope that my words havent put pressure on you or made you feel less able to retreat here. This space is yours and it is so important that you feel safe and free to talk about whatever you need to.

Please keep writing. It isn't your responsibility to worry about us. The general rule is don't read or ask for help if you feel upset. That is on me to manage 😊.

I hope you are having a better day today.

❤ Nat

[Guest_922]

Hi Nat

thank you for continuing to reply to me. I really appreciate it. I don’t feel any pressure. I actually feel like you understand me very well. Thanks for your kindness.

Elly