Growing up too fast! *warning possible triggers*

[Solosombra]

All suffering in my life stems from my own incompetence...

This was the line feed to me the first time I was sexualy abused by my uncle at 12, I didn't understand it at the time but that moment has stuck with me throughout my life, he explained that if I were stronger or less ' gull able " that this would never have happened! Personally I believe this to be the occasion that changed my life and ended my childhood.

A year later and its time to go too my uncles house again for new years, my body breaks out into a sweat and I struggle too keep the contents of my stomach down as I think about the things he said and did.

At the time I wanted to scream in protest that I never want to go back there but the threat he made about my little brother and sister being next if I told anyone stopped me. I couldn't chance it even if he was bluffing I didn't want my siblings going through this too so I soldiered on in silence trying to get through the night without running into him

100 people would have been there easily so it wasn't to hard to disappear into the crowd of people once we got there and I was heading straight to my cousin Abel . older then me I knew he would have alcohol stashed away for later so I went and bought some off him with the money I earnt from work.

First time drunk I stumbel out of the car me and my cousin were drinking laughing I sneak to the shed were Abel had stashed the liquor. "Ah welp there you are* my uncles voice snaps me out of my drunken state as I ready to bolt I turn around too see a woman there with him.

Confused and not wanting to make a scene in case this lady caught on and then my uncle take it out on my brother and sister I poised myself and smiled and waved. The lady gave me a once over that made me nervous even at that age. " he is gonna be a big man that's for sure " stroking my cheek I knew what was coming she had the same look in her eyes my uncle did. Why the hell did I sneak back here to get alcohol for, back here where no one is around?

This was my second life defining moment.

[Guest_5218]

You are by no means irrelevant Kiamau. A lonely shadow at times perhaps, but never irrelevant. I'm sorry you see yourself that way. These feelings of yours - the self loathing and ill treatment of yourself - can be helped with therapy you know. So you self harm Kiamau? Please dont answer if you are not comfortable.

CBT therapy would probably be of benefit to you. It would help you to see yourself the way you really are, rather than how you currently see yourself. I was convinced that I was damaged goods and knew it in my heart and my brain. But therapy has at least made me see common sense and know that I'm not. My brain knows that now, but still my heart says differently. But its a start anyway.

I'm glad you have the support of a few close understanding friends.

You're up late for someone who has to be up for work at 3am? I hope you get some rest.

Sherie xx

[Solosombra]

Thank you Sherie 🙂 I appreciate that!

Yeah I've been thinking awhile that I need serious help so I might go see a psych next week.

Some nights like last night I get 2hrs sleep max.

I hope you had a good rest and have a good day today

Kiamau x

[pipsy]

Hi Kiamua. It's sad that your bad experiences have happened, but if you can see the beauty in yourself that the bad experiences have brought out. The caring about people, not wishing anyone harm etc. The self loathing could be because you believed the treatment you received was your fault. This is a common feeling when we are attacked. The person who attacked you, made you believe it was you who initiated the attack because of your size. This was his chosen weapon of overpowering you to submit to his seniority. In your very first sentence, your opening comment was, all suffering in my life stems from my own incompetence. You said your uncle used this as a weapon to get you to submit. He was in charge, therefore he abused his position. You were unable to prevent what happened because he took control. You weren't incompetent, you were unable. You have been made to endure unbelievable rubbish through his manipulative control. That's not incompetence, that's straight out fear. When we are placed in any form of danger, we are not incompetent, we are sometimes unable to conquer the danger if we're alone. You were alone, in danger and scared. Had you have been able to overcome the fear, it's possible you could've fought back. Fear and his strength was his weapon and he used it. Incompetence doesn't enter the equation.

Lynda.

[Guest_5218]

Good on you Kiamau. I think you should try to get in to see a psych, and I hope you do.

Just keep in mind though, that therapy is a difficult process, so dont expect an easy road.

It sounds like you need some help here, that things are really coming back to bite you hard right now. Dont feel ashamed to seek help, it does not mean that you are weak person - in fact quite the opposite. It takes great courage to accept that you need some assistance. I admire you greatly Kiamau for being who and what you are despite many challenges in your youth.

I had a decent nights sleep last night, thanks Kiamau. Are you ever able to catch up on a bit of sleep after getting home from work?

I must go now as I need to get ready to go to work myself shortly. Much better hours than yours aye?

Sherie xx

[Solosombra]

Lynda: thank you for those words I needed to hear that, I always have trouble with blaming myself and it really gets to me around this time of year especially, I hope you have been well?

Kiamau x

Sherie: I am booked in for the 11th so fingers crossed it goes well, I don't feel very strong but I'm hoping this brings some much needed stability in my life.

Sometimes I can catch up on sleep I've lost, I hope work has been going well for you

Best wishes

Kiamau x

[Guest_5218]

Good news there Kiamau. I'm sure you will gain some comfort and guidance on how to improve your quality of life from what you currently have. I hope you will soon be able to look back at this as being a turning point in your life. Where you will stop blaming yourself for everything and accept yourself for who you are. You really are a great person Kiamau, dont ever let anybody tell you differently.

Yeah, my work just seems to plod along. I am lucky that I am able to bring a lot of it home to do in my own time.

I really hope that next Wednesday's appointment goes well for you, and I look forward to hearing from you after.

Sherie xx

[Solosombra]

That's the hope 🙂 and the end game really, just some sort of peace in my life.

Thank you Sherie and you too you seem like a very kind hearted person something sorely lacking these days.

That's good your work is flexible like that and let's you work on your own time.

So do I and I shall keep you posted on the results

[Guest_5218]

Hi Kiamau.

Havent heard from you in a while, and I was thinking of you today.

Its almost midnight now, and I remembered that you are seeing a therapist on Wednesday 11th.

So I just wanted to say to you that I really hope it goes well for you.

Peace and stability is achievable for you. I hope this is the start of the process in getting that for you.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Sherie xx

[pipsy]

Hi Kiamau. Hope all goes well in therapy today. As Sherie pointed out, part of it is going to be difficult. Once you start feeling comfortable with your therapist, that's half the battle. I am fine at the moment. I went to Melbourne last week, as the plane took off, my left ear ruptured. It's slowly getting better, though. Thank you for asking. I'll be thinking of you today. Remember, if the therapist asks you something you're not comfortable answering, you can tell him/her, you're not comfortable with the question. They're there to help you, but sometimes patients can become uncomfortable during sessions.

Good luck.

Lynda.

[Solosombra]

Sherie: hi Sherie how have you been? Thank you for the thoughts and wishes...

I think it went ok today? I'm not too sure but I'm definetly willing to go again. I hope you have been well?? Sorry its taken so long to get back on

Kiamau x

Lynda: thank you Lynda the first day went as well as it could I guess?? Spoke a bit about possible treatments and such so fingers crossed!

Ouch I'm sorry to hear about your ear?? I'm glad its getting better though! Hope you have been well

Kiamau x