Growing up too fast! *warning possible triggers*

[Solosombra]

All suffering in my life stems from my own incompetence...

This was the line feed to me the first time I was sexualy abused by my uncle at 12, I didn't understand it at the time but that moment has stuck with me throughout my life, he explained that if I were stronger or less ' gull able " that this would never have happened! Personally I believe this to be the occasion that changed my life and ended my childhood.

A year later and its time to go too my uncles house again for new years, my body breaks out into a sweat and I struggle too keep the contents of my stomach down as I think about the things he said and did.

At the time I wanted to scream in protest that I never want to go back there but the threat he made about my little brother and sister being next if I told anyone stopped me. I couldn't chance it even if he was bluffing I didn't want my siblings going through this too so I soldiered on in silence trying to get through the night without running into him

100 people would have been there easily so it wasn't to hard to disappear into the crowd of people once we got there and I was heading straight to my cousin Abel . older then me I knew he would have alcohol stashed away for later so I went and bought some off him with the money I earnt from work.

First time drunk I stumbel out of the car me and my cousin were drinking laughing I sneak to the shed were Abel had stashed the liquor. "Ah welp there you are* my uncles voice snaps me out of my drunken state as I ready to bolt I turn around too see a woman there with him.

Confused and not wanting to make a scene in case this lady caught on and then my uncle take it out on my brother and sister I poised myself and smiled and waved. The lady gave me a once over that made me nervous even at that age. " he is gonna be a big man that's for sure " stroking my cheek I knew what was coming she had the same look in her eyes my uncle did. Why the hell did I sneak back here to get alcohol for, back here where no one is around?

This was my second life defining moment.

[pipsy]

Hi Carol. Hoping you're doing well. Thank you for your kind words. I guess through all the crap I've had to endure, being assaulted by my sibling. He doesn't deserve to be referred to any other way. Narc, alcoholic, controlling parents, narc in-laws helped in their attacks against me by their supportive son (I've since parted from him). Everything I've lived through, I've survived to emerge a fully functional, caring person. The way I see it, when you're ill-treated, verbally/physically abused, you either go down or you fight to better your life. I chose with much support, and love and friendship from these forums and my job to better myself. If I can help someone else get where I am, I've learned something.

Lynda.

[Lost_Girl]

Mrs Dools, sorry to hear of the horrific treatment by your first husband. I am glad you found a new partner that respects and cares for you. I made some gf cupcakes using a packet mix from woolies and they were lovely. I found it challenging to make them from scratch so cheated. I did attempt gf sausage rolls using gf pastry but the pastry is so hard they were not very nice. Kiamau sounds like a great chef, maybe he will have some good tips.

Lynda, you and the others here are some of the kindest people I have ever met. I am saddened that you all suffered to find your way here but BB are truly blessed to have you all helping each other.

Kiamau, I hope you are managing ok after your therapy.

Kind thoughts,

Carol

[Solosombra]

Guys I'm so overwhelmed by the support 🙂 thank you all for taking the time to read my thread and reply!

Sherie: you are right the therapy did a number on me and i had some pretty vivid dreams of late! We talked about possible emdr I think it was? Sounds promising!

Mrs dools I have a few gf recipes for you I hope they help!

Again everyone thank you for your replies! I hope you all have been safe xox

Much love

Kiamau x

[Guest_5218]

Hi there Kiamau. Yeah therapy always does that to me also. Although I have recently been put on medication to help with that. It is being prescribed a lot now to people with PTSD and is for ptsd-related nightmares and sleep disturbances. I may be worth asking your GP about whether it is an option for you. So far, I am finding it quite helpful. I dont want to be on it long term, but while undergoing therapy and stirring everything up, it is a helpful crutch. EMDR is the therapy that I am currently undergoing. I am finding it better than the Exposure Therapy and CBT that I did last year. I hope you will find it beneficial also. The therapist will include some CBT within the EMDR sessions as well. It seems to go hand in hand.

I hope you get through this patch of vivid dreams quickly, and be ready for your next session.

Love to you also Kiamau. And a big bear hug ....

Sherie xx

[Doolhof]

Hi Everyone,

My parents have been with us for a few days so I have not had time to be on the computer chatting with all of my friends here. Hope you are all doing as well as you can right now. For me that works, to make the most of the moment and to realsie I can only do what I can do and no more.

Some days will be better than others.

Thanks all for your kind words regarding the information I have shared. For me, holding on to regrets, hatred, and pain is something I have tried to deal with.

As mentioned above, attending therapy sessions can be very heavy! It is wonderful we all have this forum where we can connect with people who have been through other traumas and issues and can help support each other.

After a heavy counseling session, I try to go for a walk even if it is for just 10 minutes or so. I usually end up in a shop and buy chocolate and I think that is okay as a short term way of comforting myself. I also try to have a "Nice" event planned to help take out some of the sting.

Oh yes, the gluten free fruit cake went down okay. It is a little dry so I might make some kind of syrup to pour over, maybe an orange flavoured syrup would be nice.

The biscuits were a bit dry. I dunked mine in my cup of tea, but had to be very quick about it otherwise they just dissolved! Ha. Ha. Next time I might just use packet mixes! Thanks for the offer of the recipes Kiamau. Maybe someone could start up a recipe thread!

Wishing you all a day of comfort and peace, hugs from Mrs. Dools

[Solosombra]

Throwing up i wiped away the mess from my face.i took a deep breath ready for the lecture of underage drinking im sure was waiting for me. My head thumping from the hangover i tried to push the images from the night before out of my mind. The skin from my head to toe was still raw from the constant scrubbing of this mornings shower why did i still feel dirty.disgusted at myself i quickly dressed before i seen myself in the mirror and spewed again i headed for the bonfire out back.Still emotional from the night before and a little buzzed from the alcohol i run to a bush as the last of my stomach contains came up and a wave of self pitty hit me "Its yout own fault you know" my sisters voice echoed in my head, " You shouldnt have been drinking your only 13" on and on her lecture went but it all blended in together as i started to feel my frustration build " BACK OFF ME" i snapped at my sister. It was the first time i had spoken like that to any of my sisters and instantly i felt bad about it. Before i had a chance to apologize she had me by the scruff of my neck and had me bent over her knees.Fear paralyzed me as flash backs from the night before froze me into place before i realised what she was doing several hard and fast slaps come down across my backside. "Im still your big sister little boy just because you drank lastnight doesnt mean you can talk to me like that"pushing me off her i fell hitting the ground as pain from the raw skin being touched the hits from my sister and the laughter of my cousins and mocks all pilled on my already bruised ego.

"as they laughed i heard my sister say " you should have seen him this morning he ignored everyone and went and had a shower and came straight out here didnt bother to talk to any of us like he is so much better because dad and uncle were singing his praises last night he aint so special.

[Solosombra]

I bit my tongue until i thought it bled. "you aint so special sprout" my uncles words replayed as i struggled to get a grip on my temper. "she doesnt know" i whispered to myself trying not to lash out at my sister for something she didnt know hurt. I had my temper in check until my cousin come around the corner, the same one who sold me alcohol the same one who i called out too for help but was passed out. Or so i thought until i caught the look on his face. Stopping in his tracks he looked at me while what looked like pity, fear, regret and shame payed across his face. Looking away i knew what he wasnt saying, he had heard me calling out for help after all and did nothing.Heart broken and angry i snuck into the shed where the young adults had passed out drunk. Stealing what alcohol i could find i grabbed it all and headed for the lake This time i made sure i was alone while drinking and the more i drank the madder i got with my sister. " I should have let him have you bitch! I dont know why i stuck up for you. As soon as that thought crossed my mind i instantly regreted it. How could i have thought that about my own sister? Feeling sick i dropped the alcohol and balled up and cried for the first time. What was wrong with me? Frustrated hurt and angry i screamed with everything i had before i picked up the remaining alcohol and downed trying to silince myself. "Im sorry i didnt mean that" i repeated to myself but it was too late. That small part of me that was angry and hurt had already let that thought cross my mind and the guilt at me. With what looked like no way out i grabbed the alcohol again hoping this time it would bring me some peace.!

[Guest_1055]

Hi Kiamau

Your story of what happened to you is quite a sad one, and I am so sorry that you experienced this in your life. Has it helped you Kiamau to just get that all out from within in writing here? I do hope so.

And I also want to let you know, that you are special. Why? because there is only one of you on this whole earth. That makes you rare. The word "rare" used in this context has sort of a "valuable" feel to it.

Bye now and with a hug

Shell

[Solosombra]

Hi shell

I think its helping? The sessions lately have been bringing things up that i have been forcing down for awhile and i had to get it out somehow! BB really is one of the very few places i feel comfortable to be honest!

thank you shell ☺ i dont feel special but il take your word for it.

Hope all is well with you

Kiamau x

[Doolhof]

Hi Kiamau,

Some people find great comfort and release when writing down how they are feeling, or when trying to understand or let go of past experiences.

I have a friend who writes stuff almost every day. It helps her immensely.

Like you mentioned, this is a safe and understanding place to share.

I find just venting here helps, even if no one knows how to answer or reply, you know people care!

Wishing you peace with your past, even a little helps!

Cheers form Mrs. Dools