Going it alone... PTSD, cPTSD and undiagnosed panic disorder?

[Peace_Seeker]

Im new here. A bit at my wits end to be honest. There's no one I can talk to that Im not a burden to. I was diagnosed with PTSD after an "event"in 2012. A little after with cPTSD too. People say PTSD is with you for life. I thought I was different. I just went through a time of very mild symptoms and thought I must have cured myself through mindfulness and meditation. I was even off meds for the last two years. Managing with therapy, meditation, mindfulness and exercise. A little mild mania or anxiety but for months I had a reprieve. I guess at the least I'm lucky compared to some. But It turns out I'm not special. PTSD has come back and kicked my arse. I'm struggling to think, communicate, nightmares, crying, panic attacks and dissociating, hyper vigilant, isolating, feel safer alone, and just had to end a new relationship. I've had to take time off work again. All because I watched something on Tv that triggered me. I don't have a support network (no friends or family) beyond my therapist and I live alone with my dog. I work in law enforcement (interestingly none of my trauma is work related, I'm shit magnet outside of work!) so that's not exactly an industry leading the way in terms of support for people with PTSD. My last boss did his best to have me fired because of it. My idea of socialising is to go to the health food shop and chat with the woman that owns it. Or go to yoga. One yoga class this week I cried for 50% of my class. Probably because I saw my therapist the same day. I asked her for some suggestions to aid me in a technique where you imagine your most loved and supportive people all surrounding you and really imagine the love and supportive feelings they give you. Something to draw on in lonely dark times. It's a great resource. IF you have supportive people in your life. I asked her how might I go about this technique given I don't have anyone. She suggested imagining someone entirely new that would give and love and support in all the ways I need. For a second I thought this could work. But broke down at the thought of being so lonely and broken and pathetic that at the age of 37 I have to conjure an "imaginary friend" to feel connected and loved . So for the length of my yoga class I imagined what my new friend would wear. What he would look like, how he would listen to me and what he would say to me in support. And I cried and cried. On the plus side I have this new imaginary friend. On the negative side I now feel COMPLETELY insane.

[Peace_Seeker]

I have this dream that one day I won't be so alone. It's a dream I've had for 8 years. But with time it appears I'm becoming more isolated and have less connections. I dream one day I'll meet a man that will love me for who am, for my big soft heart and accept the dark parts of me too. That I'll get to have family. maybe even have some friends too. It's sounds so pathetic. I just wish there was even just one person I could call on for support and love and cuddles. I'm so sick of my lonely pathetic existence. Right now even the simplest tasks are inconceivable.

[MarkJT]

PS, brain juice - that's what i call mental energy. I sense you are running low on brain juice and that leaves us in a vulnerable position. When i get low on brain juice, i stop and re-set. I make sure that my diet is absolutely spot on, do a heap of mindfulness and be steady on my exercise. I am very kind to myself, i.e. I don't bash myself. It is so easy at these times to become super negative and i can see that is where you are at, at the moment.

I have read some of your posts on other threads and you are clearly a very caring person who is well considered when posting. That further tells me that you are far from pathetic, you are a good human being and in a world where there are plenty of ordinary people about, you are shining.

You know what do - yoga, mindfulness etc. As you are low on brain juice, these things can escape as coping mechanisms.

With the tasks, set small ones, small achievable ones and when you are ticking them off, gradually up them. The only task that you may set for the day is to get up, have brekky and go for a walk.

Mark.

[Peace_Seeker]

Thank you Mark. Thank you for the compliments.

yes I was definitely feeling super negative last night. After talking w my therapist she thinks I've suffered enough and it might be time to try meds again. So today I saw my GP and did just that. I've had some bad experience in the past with meds but I'm trying not to think about that and read a bunch of positive reviews about this one. Down the hatch! Fingers crossed this will be the one for me.

[MarkJT]

PS, good luck with the meds - always a big decision to get on them or get back on them.

So very important that you are kind to yourself whilst getting used to them again. Your diet and mindfulness are especially important as well.

Remember that we are here to support you through the settling in period.

Mark.

[Peace_Seeker]

Thank you Mark. I'm always thanking you 😂 🙏

So I obviously didn't go to work today but after the dr and taking my meds I've been eating very well (no Nutella today 😱) practicing mindfulness and I made it to Yoga. In a bit I'll do some formal meditation.

it surprises me how quick I felt this new Medication! What's even more surprising is that it appears to have lifted my mood already! There's a few other side effects, mind head ache, upset tummy, bit hyper, bit woozy, but generally feeling surprisingly relaxed. Nothing I can't handle of course. Just quietly though I so excited my mood has lifted!

so I'm due back at work Friday and at this stage I'm feeling pretty good about it! ☺👍

[Peace_Seeker]

Oh and I did some singing and vocal practice today too 😌

[Peace_Seeker]

I've been thinking 🤔 You're the only person replying to my thread. That's a lot of pressure on you isn't it? I feel a bit guilty 😕

[MarkJT]

Outstanding that the meds are settling in well - so good to hear. Hopefully it stays like that!

Absolutely no need to thank me whatsoever, I am more than happy to see you get on the right path. That is what i am here for, because I want to. I am very intent on turning my negative into a positive and my positive is helping other people.

I can assure you that i do not feel any pressure at all. I check in here a cple of times a day and see what has been happening.

You are doing really well - keep it up, keep singing, keep yoga'ing and keep doing what you are doing.

Mark.

[Peace_Seeker]

Hey Mark

Back to work tomorrow. Should be interesting but I'm up for it.

Today my mood still lifted a bit, drop in appetite, bit achy, bit jittery, shakey, very alert from the moment I opened my eyes 👀 circumstances that would ordinarily send me into extreme fight flight at the moment made me anxious but subsided quickly with mindfulness. This Evening I'm still not really hungry. Tummy feels funny. Again anxiety evoking things do create some anxiety but it subsides quickly. Pretty wired. Sleep is going to be hard 😕

After tomorrow I have five days off. Plenty of time for those meds to settle in I hope!

[MarkJT]

PS, yep getting used to meds is a roller coaster!

The first batch i tried didn't react with me to well and could only stomach green grapes...go figure!

The second batch was tired and fatigued but generally okay and still on them to this day.

Love how you used mindfulness to ground yourself - very powerful resource at your fingertips.

Hope you got some sleep and the days off treat you well.

Mark.