Going it alone... PTSD, cPTSD and undiagnosed panic disorder?

[Peace_Seeker]

Im new here. A bit at my wits end to be honest. There's no one I can talk to that Im not a burden to. I was diagnosed with PTSD after an "event"in 2012. A little after with cPTSD too. People say PTSD is with you for life. I thought I was different. I just went through a time of very mild symptoms and thought I must have cured myself through mindfulness and meditation. I was even off meds for the last two years. Managing with therapy, meditation, mindfulness and exercise. A little mild mania or anxiety but for months I had a reprieve. I guess at the least I'm lucky compared to some. But It turns out I'm not special. PTSD has come back and kicked my arse. I'm struggling to think, communicate, nightmares, crying, panic attacks and dissociating, hyper vigilant, isolating, feel safer alone, and just had to end a new relationship. I've had to take time off work again. All because I watched something on Tv that triggered me. I don't have a support network (no friends or family) beyond my therapist and I live alone with my dog. I work in law enforcement (interestingly none of my trauma is work related, I'm shit magnet outside of work!) so that's not exactly an industry leading the way in terms of support for people with PTSD. My last boss did his best to have me fired because of it. My idea of socialising is to go to the health food shop and chat with the woman that owns it. Or go to yoga. One yoga class this week I cried for 50% of my class. Probably because I saw my therapist the same day. I asked her for some suggestions to aid me in a technique where you imagine your most loved and supportive people all surrounding you and really imagine the love and supportive feelings they give you. Something to draw on in lonely dark times. It's a great resource. IF you have supportive people in your life. I asked her how might I go about this technique given I don't have anyone. She suggested imagining someone entirely new that would give and love and support in all the ways I need. For a second I thought this could work. But broke down at the thought of being so lonely and broken and pathetic that at the age of 37 I have to conjure an "imaginary friend" to feel connected and loved . So for the length of my yoga class I imagined what my new friend would wear. What he would look like, how he would listen to me and what he would say to me in support. And I cried and cried. On the plus side I have this new imaginary friend. On the negative side I now feel COMPLETELY insane.

[MarkJT]

Peace Seeker, welcome to the forums mate from a fellow LEA officer and PTSD sufferer. Like you (previously) I have recovered quite well and although not 100%, I don’t think I ever will be but I am in a good place so I will take that.

You obviously know what you are doing with the mindfulness and healthy living, are you doing that again?

Are you back on meds?

You have your story there, are there any specific questions you want to ask?

There is a great thread running for emergency services and medical members – check that out: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/ptsd-trauma/ptsd-for-medical-and-first-responders

Welcome to the forums as well. It is a very caring and protective place.

Mark.

[Peace_Seeker]

Hi Mark

thank you for your kind reply. 🙂 I'm doing my best to keep up the meditation, yoga... eating tho.... well I have to admit I've hitting the Nutella pretty hard. Haha

Im back on the benzos only at this stage. When I came OFF the meds altogether is around the time I saw some huge positive change for me initially so im loath to go back on them.

My post didn't really have a point did it? I guess I was wondering if anyone else felt like they had really felt like the came out the other side only to be plunged right back into the depths like I have. Is there light again? I absolutely cannot afford another day off work. The thought of having to leave my job because of PTSD terrifies me.

I did see the first responders thread. I wasn't sure if I would belong there as my trauma isn't work related and I'm technically not a first responder although I work with those that are.

Thank you again for replying. How long have you been relatively in the clear?

PS

[Guest_989]

Two steps forward one step back, having a remission isn't failing it's just another lesson to learn.

Sounds like you already have the tools to manage your PTSD, you've probably just not maintained yourself aswell as you had and have now reached this point

Get back to the basics, try not to ruminate, take a walk and listen to the sounds, and smell the air

Small steps, one day at a time

Az

[Peace_Seeker]

Thank you Az. Your reply means a lot. No ruminating... haha I'm trying to work if that's what I've been doing in my isolation?

Thanks for the advice. I'll look carefully and see where I have put some of my tools down.... prob when I started seeing someone new AND started watching some TV with him. That's a starting place again. So no boys or TV.

im pretty much constantly feeling my body and fear. It's at the point where I don't feel "fear" so much anymore just my inner body acting like a circus. It's pretty tough to be with but trying.

I think what might be triggering a bit more stuff is the fact I'm sposed to go back to work on Wednesday. My work place is already highly stimulating. I'm just not sure I can manage that external circus and my internal circus when my internal lion tamer is on holiday. Ha! Sorry for the lousy metaphor.

Do you work? How do you manage work and your symptoms?

[Guest_989]

Heya!! Its good you've recognised the things that are triggering you, it's a move forward. It's okay to see guys and watch TV once you're in control of your emotions.

Yes I do work, I'm a prison officer, been in a lot of incidents, assaults on me, riots and fires.

I gym 6 days a week, eat clean, don't drink (anymore) and dont take medications

I find for me, working in a stressful and high paced work environment, too not take anything to heart that's said to me, maintain good repore with my colleagues and prisoners, and focus on living a healthy life outside of work

Work to live, not live to work. It's just a job

Try not to stress too much about Wednesday, go in with an open mind, no fear dont let it control your life. Let me know how you go when you can

Take each day as it comes, here if you need to vent

[MarkJT]

Nutella....how good is it!! (but unfortunately oh so bad for us - bugger).

Your post did have a point, most certainly, the point was that you hit a wall and plunged back into the PTSD abyss but i was just wondering if there was any specific question.

I have been pretty good for about a year i think. I am very much ever mindful though that at any stage, I can be triggered and sent backwards a fair way. I know my triggers and my danger zones, i.e. when very tired, so try to manage those as best i can. Anger is still very much an issue for me though.

Love what Azbox has posted above and is pretty much a mirror reflection of what i do to try my best to stay healthy.

I think i can gather what you do for a job and as far as i am concerned, if you operate in the emergency services world, you are in emergency services and just because your trauma is not related, I do not see that as saying you cannot partake in that thread - far from it.

Break it down when you go back to work. Just work on getting to the front door - tick that off then set the next goal. Get to desk, tick that off and set a new goal. Don't think about the whole day collectively. Breaking down days can work really well and when your mind starts to set off, pull it back and concentrate on that moment.

Here to support ya!

Mark

[Peace_Seeker]

Thank you Az

You have no idea how much yours and Mark's posts have meant to me. I honestly feel understood and not so alone as corny as it sounds. Reading both your posts now made me tear up. Shhhh! Don't tell anyone! Ha.

I am definitely embraced the healthy eating, exercise thing for quite some time now. And I know it works. And over the last couple of years I've pretty much stopped drinking too. I've only had drinks a couple of times this year... it overrated... AND I immediately notice the effect on my anxiety.

i just realised this afternoon I'm feeling a bit better. Trying not to get too excited yet. I have also noticed I stopped drinking coffee altogether again a couple of days ago. I gave up coffee last year but at some point I started drinking it again and was sometimes having 3 a day. Whoops! That's a great find for me so thank you for telling me to look where I've dropped tools.

and I will go to work Wednesday with my head up 🙂

Thank you for sharing your work stuff. I appreciate it. It's definitely an intense situation to be managing so well. I respect that.

Fi x

[Peace_Seeker]

Nutelllaaaaaaaaah. I ate 100gms of it yesterday. Easter present to myself. Haha. I don't know how I'm not fat. Hahaha!

Thank you Mark. So much for your support. You and Azbox are awesome and I am so so grateful. It's been a while since I felt so alone and now with you blokes I feel like I've never been so understood and supported. I would never had guessed jumping on this forum would have had such a positive outcome.

And I love the breaking it down idea for getting to work. That's brilliant. All of a sudden it's not so daunting. X

Fi.

[Guest_989]

I'm really happy to hear how well you feel today.

Youre not alone Fi, make sure you let us know how you go Wednesday. Take your toolbox with you

Az