Going it alone... PTSD, cPTSD and undiagnosed panic disorder?

[Peace_Seeker]

Im new here. A bit at my wits end to be honest. There's no one I can talk to that Im not a burden to. I was diagnosed with PTSD after an "event"in 2012. A little after with cPTSD too. People say PTSD is with you for life. I thought I was different. I just went through a time of very mild symptoms and thought I must have cured myself through mindfulness and meditation. I was even off meds for the last two years. Managing with therapy, meditation, mindfulness and exercise. A little mild mania or anxiety but for months I had a reprieve. I guess at the least I'm lucky compared to some. But It turns out I'm not special. PTSD has come back and kicked my arse. I'm struggling to think, communicate, nightmares, crying, panic attacks and dissociating, hyper vigilant, isolating, feel safer alone, and just had to end a new relationship. I've had to take time off work again. All because I watched something on Tv that triggered me. I don't have a support network (no friends or family) beyond my therapist and I live alone with my dog. I work in law enforcement (interestingly none of my trauma is work related, I'm shit magnet outside of work!) so that's not exactly an industry leading the way in terms of support for people with PTSD. My last boss did his best to have me fired because of it. My idea of socialising is to go to the health food shop and chat with the woman that owns it. Or go to yoga. One yoga class this week I cried for 50% of my class. Probably because I saw my therapist the same day. I asked her for some suggestions to aid me in a technique where you imagine your most loved and supportive people all surrounding you and really imagine the love and supportive feelings they give you. Something to draw on in lonely dark times. It's a great resource. IF you have supportive people in your life. I asked her how might I go about this technique given I don't have anyone. She suggested imagining someone entirely new that would give and love and support in all the ways I need. For a second I thought this could work. But broke down at the thought of being so lonely and broken and pathetic that at the age of 37 I have to conjure an "imaginary friend" to feel connected and loved . So for the length of my yoga class I imagined what my new friend would wear. What he would look like, how he would listen to me and what he would say to me in support. And I cried and cried. On the plus side I have this new imaginary friend. On the negative side I now feel COMPLETELY insane.

[Peace_Seeker]

You have a science background too? I wonder if that stuff is helpful to non science nerds too 😂

I agree with you there Az. You can make connections and get support online but real friends are not allowed 😂 I'm sure their reasonings for it are sound. But it's still a shame.

[Guest_989]

I'm fascinated by space, physics and science. Grew up watching discovery channel.

Heres to our BB friendship 😂

Hope your day goes good tomorrow, look forward to hearing from you

Az lucas

[MarkJT]

PS, mediate as in mindfulness i do. Haven't been doing it enough lately and that is probably why i woke up crap this morning. After my exercise, lay down on the mat, listening to music staring at the moon and marveled at it. That certainly helped. Like what is said above, the moon, planets, stars - wow. So awesome.

I love singing but i am completely crap at it but when i am in the the car, i am Dave Grohl for sure! You will get back to singing in front of people again, i have no doubt about it.

Bean meaning to do a session of bikram, have to get around to it shortly. A mate of mine who is chockers with PTSD did it and loved it.

Remember tomorrow to break the day down, you will be fine. Surf the waves.

Mark.

[Peace_Seeker]

Yeah doooooo it. I've been practicing yoga most of my life but Bikram since 2010. It's full on. Especially when you first start. But I'm so incredibly focused and strong in my practice now. And I'm going to use outside the hot room. That's me tomoro. Small steps like you said.

[MarkJT]

How much do you find that yoga helps you?

[Peace_Seeker]

I pressed post too quickly 😂

Id love to put a mattress up on the roof of my car port and watch the stars some night. I don't get much light pollution where I am. It's nice to feel small compared to the universe sometimes. Feels like there's more space to hold everything if you know what I mean.

I love Dave Grohl 😍 Thanks for having faith in me ☺

[Peace_Seeker]

Mark

Incredibly. Particularly Bikram because of the extra pressure of the heat and humidity of the room. There's no time or space for you to be in your head. Only in your body. Like forced mindfulness.

I was practicing before my "biggest most recent" trauma. I had a break from practicing but when I came back to it. It was like coming home. A couple of weeks ago I was having one of the worst panic attacks I've ever had. Although externally I appear calm to most people, I was practically catatonic. A friend drove me to class and with the first 20mins of class I was back. It was incredible. By just over half way through (it's a 90min class) I felt real peace. It's priceless. For me anyway. I'm looking to buy a house at the moment and one of the biggest factors affecting where I purchase is the distance to Bikram. Crazy!☺

[MarkJT]

PS, that is awesome that you get so much out of it. Is there anything stopping you, when you buy a house, to set up your own bikram room just for you? In the meantime, i do not think it is crazy at all to look for a place near a bikram studio, i actually think that is smart thinking!

How did you go at work?

Mark.

[Peace_Seeker]

Mark

i could try. It I think the power bills would be enormous!!

So work.., it started out rough finding out we are short staffed and my workload has doubled for the next three shifts 😖But I just breathed and felt my body do its fight flight thing. Although I felt/feel like it's regularly me picking up the slack in these situations I kept quiet. Did bitch or moan. It is what it is and I can only do what I do right?

i did my work and at the end of the day requested a meeting with my supervisor. I have a decent relationship with him. It doesn't feel entirely safe but after my Snr sgt left the job out relationship def has improved. And I just got real with him. Told him basically what's been going on with me, that it's been a month of it but wanted/needed him to know. I was a little anxious going in but not peaking. He said he hadn't noticed but was happy I felt comfortable enough to share (he seemed quite touched actually) and made it clear that he supports me and if I need a sick day it's cool. If I have to walk away from a job that's too much that's cool too. He asked questions about my triggers and we talked openly and kindly. It was more than I ever could have hoped for. I'm def feeling supported and therefore even stronger about being there. There is so much strength in being real and vulnerable sometimes. I took an exquisite risk and he was there for. A very good end to what started out as a stressful day. I'm very very grateful 🙏

How was your day Mark?

[Car-rit]

I feel your pain, I was diagnosed with ptsd last year and received no treatment other than cognitive. As a result of the abuse I am living now the anxiety got worst plus some incidents of trauma and grief that make me cry and cry. Nobody listen to me. I don't know what to do as the treatment I was receiving was focus on anxiety. Nothing specific to ptsd.

Today something happened that trigger my ptsd and I can't stop crying. Tomorrow I have an appointment with my gp but she is my new doctor and I don't want her just to prescribe pills.

if you think you are alone out there, you aren't, we are out there in the saek place. I hope you feel better once you start doing more yoga. I know that yoga is the best treatment for ptsd.