Going it alone... PTSD, cPTSD and undiagnosed panic disorder?

Peace_Seeker · ‎16-04-2017

Im new here. A bit at my wits end to be honest. There's no one I can talk to that Im not a burden to. I was diagnosed with PTSD after an "event"in 2012. A little after with cPTSD too. People say PTSD is with you for life. I thought I was different. I just went through a time of very mild symptoms and thought I must have cured myself through mindfulness and meditation. I was even off meds for the last two years. Managing with therapy, meditation, mindfulness and exercise. A little mild mania or anxiety but for months I had a reprieve. I guess at the least I'm lucky compared to some. But It turns out I'm not special. PTSD has come back and kicked my arse. I'm struggling to think, communicate, nightmares, crying, panic attacks and dissociating, hyper vigilant, isolating, feel safer alone, and just had to end a new relationship. I've had to take time off work again. All because I watched something on Tv that triggered me. I don't have a support network (no friends or family) beyond my therapist and I live alone with my dog. I work in law enforcement (interestingly none of my trauma is work related, I'm shit magnet outside of work!) so that's not exactly an industry leading the way in terms of support for people with PTSD. My last boss did his best to have me fired because of it. My idea of socialising is to go to the health food shop and chat with the woman that owns it. Or go to yoga. One yoga class this week I cried for 50% of my class. Probably because I saw my therapist the same day. I asked her for some suggestions to aid me in a technique where you imagine your most loved and supportive people all surrounding you and really imagine the love and supportive feelings they give you. Something to draw on in lonely dark times. It's a great resource. IF you have supportive people in your life. I asked her how might I go about this technique given I don't have anyone. She suggested imagining someone entirely new that would give and love and support in all the ways I need. For a second I thought this could work. But broke down at the thought of being so lonely and broken and pathetic that at the age of 37 I have to conjure an "imaginary friend" to feel connected and loved . So for the length of my yoga class I imagined what my new friend would wear. What he would look like, how he would listen to me and what he would say to me in support. And I cried and cried. On the plus side I have this new imaginary friend. On the negative side I now feel COMPLETELY insane.

MarkJT · ‎20-04-2017

PS, that is so friggin awesome what you did today. Well done massive! Takes so much courage to do what you did and you will gain so much out of that and brilliant to hear that you are being supported. That is so important to be healthy within the workplace.

Use today's experience to move your forward, propel it. There will be times in the future that you will be challenged so remember what you achieved today and use that to ground yourself.

Had a great day here as had a dip in mood at the start of the week and got my mojo back fully today - was so cool when you feel that happen!

Mark.

Peace_Seeker · ‎20-04-2017

Thank you Mark

Im ashamed to stay today wasn't a good one. I had to leave work early. I held it together for half the shift but I was losing my grip. I dropped into my local medical centre to see my GP however my usual wasn't available and saw a Locum. He was nice enough but he saidafter I told him about my work situation and multiple traumas and complex ptsd, I'll paraphrase here, you can't be a victim all your life. Not exactly what I was wanting to hear nor is it appropriate or kind. In my opinion. I also had a possible new friendship implode. Today has not been fun. 😔 Feeling hopeless and inadequate

Peace_Seeker · ‎20-04-2017

Hello Car-rit

thank you for reading and replying to my post. I'm sorry you're suffering too. It's absolutely exhausting isn't it? 😞

I think medication can help some people but it's really a very personal thing. I tried it but not on any now.

Im glad you have therapy too I find my therapist is amazing. She gives me lots of tools.

Have you tried yoga? Apparently doing inversions (where ur head is below your heart, like a handstand or headstand) is really good for anxiety.

i hope you feel better soon

MarkJT · ‎22-04-2017

PS, never ever feel ashamed for leaving work - it is called tactically retreating and there is nothing at all wrong with that. Sometimes we get hit with levels of anxiety that we must just stop what we are doing and concentrate on getting through the day, nothing else. I have done this a fair few times so do not stress about that.

Agree that being told that you cannot be a victim all your life is not required in any sense of the word. Please do not waste to much of your time thinking about this. Put it in the trash where it belongs.

Sorry to hear about that new friendship but that day was not a waste. It was a learning exercise that sometimes we need to take a couple of steps backward to get through the day. We then re-load and take the next day on. That is learning and learning is good.

Mark.

Peace_Seeker · ‎23-04-2017

Hi Mark

Thanks for your reply. I've just been bunkering down. Trying keep the negative thoughts at bay. Sometimes I'm successful.

MarkJT · ‎23-04-2017

PS, when i first decided to try meds, the first batch was a epic failure and I bunkered down for several days. Just sat in my room, watched movies, ate grapes (yep i could only eat grapes!!) and only surfaced to go to the toilet. Fortunately I had my wife helping out with food and water so was lucky there.

I ceased those meds and when i felt strong enough, I ventured out of my bunker and went for a walk and then eventually a few days later, back to work.

Moral of the story - 100% fine to bunker down. As long as it is not for a prolonged period though, keep watch on that. Gain your strength back and attack again.

Mark.

Peace_Seeker · ‎23-04-2017

Thanks Mark. After posting that I made it out the breakfast, walked the dog, fed the chickens, groomed the horse and went to yoga. Lots of mindfulness today and belly breathing. I also ate ALL the food. About to do some meditation. I'm feeling better this arvo. I saw my naturopath Friday and seeing my therapist tomorrow thank god (she's been on holidays)

thank you for your support. I really don't want to go on meds again but I'm keeping an open mind.

thanks again

Peace_Seeker · ‎23-04-2017

I also wanted to say I read your story in the introduction to CC thread.

You really are a success story. I've known so many people who have had PTSD in the job. There's not many out there that rehabilitate they way you have from the depths of where you went. It's inspirational.

MarkJT · ‎23-04-2017

PS, great to hear that you have had a great day and it is a really good lesson that even though you can be flattened, you can return to having productive days.

Hope the session with the therapist goes well for you.

Yep i am a very lucky person getting to where i am now. Pretty much everything i tried worked (aside from the the first batch of meds!!) and don't get me wrong, I am really happy where i am at the moment but I live with the constant beast of PTSD sitting right behind me so have to keep a close eye on it.

Mark.

Peace_Seeker · ‎25-04-2017

After five weeks of panic and constant anxiety/fear... I'm spent. No reserves left. I'm so alone in this. I told my sister two weeks a ago I was struggling and need help. Need her to be there. So for two weeks I hear nothing. 🙁 So I call her and we talk but it's not enough. I should be grateful but it's not enough. My negativity bias is strong. All I see when I look around is a distinct lack of support and love in my life.