Going it alone... PTSD, cPTSD and undiagnosed panic disorder?

[Peace_Seeker]

Im new here. A bit at my wits end to be honest. There's no one I can talk to that Im not a burden to. I was diagnosed with PTSD after an "event"in 2012. A little after with cPTSD too. People say PTSD is with you for life. I thought I was different. I just went through a time of very mild symptoms and thought I must have cured myself through mindfulness and meditation. I was even off meds for the last two years. Managing with therapy, meditation, mindfulness and exercise. A little mild mania or anxiety but for months I had a reprieve. I guess at the least I'm lucky compared to some. But It turns out I'm not special. PTSD has come back and kicked my arse. I'm struggling to think, communicate, nightmares, crying, panic attacks and dissociating, hyper vigilant, isolating, feel safer alone, and just had to end a new relationship. I've had to take time off work again. All because I watched something on Tv that triggered me. I don't have a support network (no friends or family) beyond my therapist and I live alone with my dog. I work in law enforcement (interestingly none of my trauma is work related, I'm shit magnet outside of work!) so that's not exactly an industry leading the way in terms of support for people with PTSD. My last boss did his best to have me fired because of it. My idea of socialising is to go to the health food shop and chat with the woman that owns it. Or go to yoga. One yoga class this week I cried for 50% of my class. Probably because I saw my therapist the same day. I asked her for some suggestions to aid me in a technique where you imagine your most loved and supportive people all surrounding you and really imagine the love and supportive feelings they give you. Something to draw on in lonely dark times. It's a great resource. IF you have supportive people in your life. I asked her how might I go about this technique given I don't have anyone. She suggested imagining someone entirely new that would give and love and support in all the ways I need. For a second I thought this could work. But broke down at the thought of being so lonely and broken and pathetic that at the age of 37 I have to conjure an "imaginary friend" to feel connected and loved . So for the length of my yoga class I imagined what my new friend would wear. What he would look like, how he would listen to me and what he would say to me in support. And I cried and cried. On the plus side I have this new imaginary friend. On the negative side I now feel COMPLETELY insane.

[Peace_Seeker]

😞 having a struggle today. Woke already feeling the adrenaline in my veins. I saw my GP today and she suggested thinking about anti depressant meds again. I really don't want to. Of the many I've tried the side effects and general crazy making affect they have on me really have put me off. I'd rather persist with mindfulness and meditation and therapy. The GP commented on how calm I seem. I go really still when feeling and observing panic/terror. Until I get too many outside stimulations and then flip out and start crying.

Not sure what I'm looking for today. I'm going to drag myself into work tomorrow and see what happens. As you guys know there's no such thing as taking it easy at work. On any given day you get what ur given and you've got to be able to handle whatever the workload may be. Heavy/light.

[Guest_989]

That's no good, but at least you recognise your not 100%

I must admit talking about my kids on here last night affected my mood, thought about calling in sick, just made myself get up and go....now I feel fine

Sometimes seeing the gp can be a negative experience, it's up to you about meds, if you want to keep trying mindfulness that's up to you. I don't take meds myself as I feel no better on them

How are you feeling this afternoon?

[MarkJT]

Peace Seeker, that is awesome that you realise that you are not alone. That is very powerful - there are so (unfortunately) people in society that are walking in your exact shoes. The difference with you to so many others is that you are eating and living healthy. This has such a massive impact on your mental health so well done!

You will have bad days, that is part of the journey. When those bad days come along, surf the waves of emotion. Just like surfing the ocean waves, you will learn to surf the emotional waves. The more you surf them, the better you will get.

Great work Aztec about getting up and going to work - must be something the thread as I woke up crap today as well!! Exercise, music and mindfulness this morning got me enough brain juice (mental energy) to get through the day.

Mark.

[Peace_Seeker]

Hey Az

im sorry you were affected like that 😞 usually stuff around people's kids make them happy? I'm happy to listen if want but completely understand if that's not necessary particularly considering you're feeling better.

i just smashed myself at hot yoga (again). Some days it releases energy other days it ramps me up. It's having the later effect this evening. Not in a really bad way but I think sleeping is gonna be tough tonight.

ill set my alarm tomorrow early enough to meditate before I leave for work I think.

[Peace_Seeker]

Once again Mark your replies are so kind and supportive..

do you meditate? My meditation guru often refers to "surfing the waves". That our feelings and emotions are the waves. But waves are only on the surface. And that deep within everyone is a "presence" or calm as vast and deep as the ocean. "Remember, you are NOT the waves. You are the ocean" 🙂

Hey your day sounds like mine a bit! Mine was...Hot yoga, mindfulness and singing. I see a vocal coach and she is awesome with my anxiety and PTSD. Before January I didn't think I could sing in front of anyone ever again because of anxiety. I still haven't yet but my gosh she has got me singing and sounding better than I have in my entire life 🙂

[Guest_989]

I posted last night in the family relationships section if you'd like some insight

I too just finished at the gym, it's a good release for me, the stronger I feel physically the better I feel internally...for me at least

Im really glad your still planning on going to work tomorrow, I think you'll feel better once you've gone and done a day!!

Hot yoga, sounds fun. Im the most inflexible guy in the world I couldn't do that!

[Peace_Seeker]

Az.

I love hot yoga. It's affectionately referred to as "Bikram's torture chamber". it sure does get you present and develop an ability to be with suffering and move with it rather than against it. I have no doubt it's been integral to my recovery in the past. I also got a little puffed up tonight when the instructor thanked ME for my strong practice. Teehee! 😄

Az, i did read you're post on the family forum. I think you are so courageous and I admire your heart and honesty. X I don't have kids but I imagine you are a very good man doing the very best you can under your incredibly difficult circumstances. And you seem to be doing all the right things to heal and understand and move forward. I hope you are incredibly kind to your heart.<3

[Guest_989]

Nothing wrong with a yoga ego boost from the instructor!! 😂😂

Hopefully my feelings towards the kids change, it'd be a sad life otherwise

Make sure you reply tomorrow on how your day goes, even if you don't go in

Az

[Peace_Seeker]

Az

I'm not a professional obviously but I feel in my heart that as you shift the anxiety and flight/fight response you have when they are around, you will then be able to access the love that is there.

Have you heard of Dan Siegel? He's a clinical professor of psychology and has a great "hand" model to explain how our brain works in Fight/flight/freeze. He explains when in these heightened states of survival arousal (like anxiety) we can't actually access the parts of the brain for higher functioning like compassion etc. if you Google his name and "brain hand model" you'll find a YouTube clip with him explaining it. It's amazing. Makes me realise how and why I can't always respond in the way I want to under stress.

And yes! I will def be in touch tomorrow. You're not going to get rid of me now 🙂

[Guest_989]

Thanks, just watched. These are the sorts of things that benefit, being a person of science it helps me understand a physiological reason to my actions

Its a pity they don't condone interaction of members outside the forums as it's nice to talk to some ppl with similar outlooks