Gender Identity/Expression and Sexuality After Trauma - Feeling revictimised by people invalidating mine

[GimZim]

Hey all,

I'm a straight woman but I've regularly had people make comments or question my orientation, even from childhood. It never really bothered me that people often assume I'm gay, it's not a big deal to me. However, I've had people make some really horrible comments. My sisters exhusband called me a "man hating dyke" and said I was probably raped by our dad. This was because I didn't accept a lift home from him when he was first dating my sister. I wasn't abused by my dad, he left when I was a very young child and I have no memories of him.

I had a counsellor in highschool who would make comments implying I was closeted and that's what my problems stemmed from, I've had conversations with friends where sexuality has come up and had people tell me I'm asexual, demisexual, ace, all kinds of things and it's starting to upset me. I assume they're well meaning but it feels like sexual orientation should be about how you identify yourself and not something other people prescribe you.

I recently had two male friends describe themselves as asexual and say they think it's related to bullying and trauma they experienced during school. I think it's entirely reasonable that someone could have their sexuality impacted by these things, just that mine hasn't been. It's getting to the point where I almost feel revictimised, having people treat me like I'm broken by things people have done to me. It feels like my agency is being taken away.

My old manager where I worked in my late teens, a woman who was a friend of my mothers and was a solid 30 years older than me, got on top of me while I was blackout drunk at a party and kissed me. She also made a comment about how she was bisexual and knew I was too. One weird or maybe ironic thing is no one would think that made me straight.

On the other hand, I know my gender expression changed because of being raped. I started wearing very oversized clothing, gained a lot of weight, stopped dressing as femininely as I used to. To some extent I (sadly) equate femininity with victimhood. I'm trying to move past this because, (and I think this is what all of this is about for me), I hate feeling like what happened has to change me in such a large way.

I also really don't like the idea that people who are gay and have been abused are assumed to be gay *because* of the abuse.

Have any of you experienced anything like this?

[Sophie_M]

Hi GimZim,
 
Thank you for sharing your story with us here on the forums, it is an incredible and brave thing to do. We are so sorry to hear that you have had been feeling invalidated and that you feel that people are imposing a sexual identity upon you. You are right that this is absolutely up to you to decide and no one can tell you who you are.
 
We think that it would be really great if you could call someone to talk about how you are feeling and the experiences that you have had. It can be an incredible first step to feeling better to talk to someone that is an expert in offering support and pointing in the direction of further resources. We have put a few options below and we would really encourage you to choose the option that might fit you best.
 
We would strongly encourage that you contact 1800RESPECT. They offer 24/7 confidential information, counselling and support for people impacted by sexual assault, domestic or family violence and abuse. The lovely supportive counsellors have a lot of experience offering advice and support to anyone who has been through trauma like this. You can contact them on 1800 737 732 or visit  https://www.1800respect.org.au/ 
 
Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636
Lifeline 13 11 14
 
Thank you again for being brave and sharing with us here, please feel free to update us and check back in if you feel comfortable doing so.
 
Kind regards,
Sophie M

[Croix]

Dear GimZim~

I've read a lot of your posts over the past year or so, giving good sensible advice to others. I liked your example of the wallet concerning intrusive thoughts, it puts it very well. Also your idea of asking what if someone else were telling you this?

So now you are reacting to others. Many people like the idea of stereotypes and allocate them for no good reason, then cling to them - if you are female and ride a big motorbike you must be gay etc etc etc.

It really is annoying, and it can be hard at time to remember it is a reflection on them, not you. Unfortunatly it is human nature to take a lot of notice of what others say about them. Dunno why.

I know you have freinds, those that looked after you when you passed out are good examples.

I've no idea if you were traumatized by that boss's actions or a cumulative effect of other's prejudices, if the situation was reversed I probably would be, though I might not realise it in those terms.

From what you say it sounds a bit like you have retreated from your original self and others too, with the oversize clothes, weight gain and lack of femininity. I guess I can understand why but think it a great pity as you seem to be reacting to others, rather than being you.

Perhaps a sharper tongue, rejecting and reviling those who make unwarranted and inappropriate assumptions is all you really need?

Are you alone in all this now, or do you have someone you can confide in to give you support? Not try to 'fix' things but simply listen and care, be there for you?

Croix

[smallwolf]

Hi. I cannot relate to your story per se. The closest I can get is to assumptions about my anxiety and depression.

What I am about to tell you I still struggle with to a degree... I like to listen to podcasts by Brene Brown. In one of these she mentioned having a small sheet of paper with the names of those people whose opinions matter. If your name is not on that page then your opinion does not matter. Fwiw, the paper can hold about 5 names only.

From what I have read in your post it would be incredibly frustrating and upsetting to hear unkind and hurtful remarks. Like Croix said ... Do you have anyone you can confide in to talk through this?

Listening...

[GimZim]

smallwolf said:

What I am about to tell you I still struggle with to a degree... I like to listen to podcasts by Brene Brown. In one of these she mentioned having a small sheet of paper with the names of those people whose opinions matter. If your name is not on that page then your opinion does not matter. Fwiw, the paper can hold about 5 names only.

I love this and will have to adopt it.

Croix, I think I need to start leaning into my femininity and expressing myself like that again, it's certainly one of the next steps for me to take I think.

I do have some really great and supportive people around me, I've got a great psychologist too who I'll have to chat to about this. I do find it a bit hard discussing traumatic experiences with people outside of this forum and my psychologist, people will be sympathetic but I feel like they don't quite get it and that talking about things upsets them.

Thanks to both of you for the responses, I appreciate it. I think the main reason this makes me uncomfortable is it's people overstepping a boundary and maybe I just need to express that a bit louder. Maybe just a "It's my identity and it's not up for debate."

[Guest5734]

Croix, I think I need to start leaning into my femininity and expressing myself like that again, it's certainly one of the next steps for me to take I think.

I can see why you feel this way and feel that you need to do this. However, please know that it's terrible that you feel that "need to" to look feminine to stop people from making these assumptions and comments. This situation is not in any way your "fault" for not looking "feminine". People should be able to dress and look however they like. It's horrible that people haven't been respecting the way you look or even believing your own statements about your identity and sexuality. This situation is 100% those people's fault for making assumptions like that.

[GimZim]

Sorry about that, that was poor wording on my part. I agree with you 100%.

I just meant more that my current expression isn't really authentic and I'm more just hiding my body out of fear because of previous sexual assaults. I know sexual abuse and assault aren't based on your appearance and it's not something people are provoked to or anything like that, I think subconsciously I was trying my best to make myself look invisible. I don't think the comments on my sexual orientation are generally impacted by my current appearance because they've happened since before I started dressing like that.

[Guest5734]

Hey, no need to apologise. 🙂 I just wanted to reiterate, you should be able to dress however you like, whether that's "masculine", "feminine", or not fitting either of those categories. If other people are making you feel uncomfortable, that is their fault. And your feeling of being uncomfortable is totally valid. Their remarks and actions sound way out of line -- but that is their fault, not yours. 🙂