Frequent Dreams about the older man who tried to take advantage of me when I was 15/16

[PsychedelicFur]

Hello there, 

A bit of a background story - when I was 15 or 16 years of age my family and I befriended a much older man, at our volunteer work. Over a matter of months and a couple of years him and I grew enormously close. He was 68 years of age at the time and we both got along 'so well' because we were both passionate about 1960s and 1970s music. At first, it was just a friendship. Although, as time progressed, he started grooming me. 

I grew up in quite an emotionally unavailable household. I am now estranged from my psychologically abusive Mother. And he built that trust with my parents, as he built a 'friendship' with all of us. 

I was starved from affection, protection, love and security.. when I was younger. I felt very ignored at times and I felt like my feelings/emotions did not matter. 

So, I began to really enjoy the attention and affection he gave me. He would call me pet names. He would say he loved me- I love you. And eventually he created a secret email address, that his Wife wasn't aware of, so we could privately communicate with each other. 

He would pick me up from school and while no sexual relations did occur.. he and I became quite close, physically and emotionally. He would constantly tell me how beautiful I was. And I thought he was charming and I liked the attention and 'love'. 

Realizing this now, I am trying to come to terms that THIS MAN was exploiting me at such a vulnerable and impressionable age. I am getting nightmares still, at 20 years old now. It's deeply traumatic and upsetting. Luckily, I am safe now and nothing like this is happening to me anymore. It is just still affecting me. 

And I avoid going back to the location of the volunteer work because it brings back some traumatic memories of what happened when I was much younger. I wanted and yearned for protection, love and genuine friendship. ALL HE WANTED TO DO WAS EXPLOIT ME! 

Luckily, when I was almost 17 I CUT ALL CONTACT WITH HIM. Blocking his phone number and email addresses. I started to realize that it wasn't a healthy connection. And now I am COMPLETELY NO contact with him, thankfully.

I DETEST HIM. I AM SO ANGRY THAT HE WAS GROOMING ME. I HAVE SO MUCH ETERNALISED FRUSTRATION AND SADNESS. It's too much sometimes. I am trying to move forward but how can I when I keep getting dreams about him?

[white knight]

Hi PF, great to hear from you again.

Being a male and around that guys age (I'm 66) I can give you some thoughts as I've previously worked with a guy or two I didnt trust. Quite simply his actions is unforgivable and wrong as you well know and I'm so proud of your ability to shut him out of your life. 

We cant stop dreams. We can however over time fill our awake mind with a full life and that can assist in not dreaming about these topics. Time is your friend but time cant be rushed.

You have a lot of built up anger. This is a concern even though its understandable. You might need some professional help with that. One thing I think you might be able to do is increase your "real" thinking. Eg dismiss non real thoughts. As soon as you think of him like- if you think you'll pass him on the street, ask yourself "is that likely". The answer would be "no" ( unless you live in a small town). So if it is unlikely then you are wasting valuable time thinking unrealistic thoughts and that is something my therapist in 1987 trained me to do. It is 35 years ago yet I benefit even today for that training.

You might also consider that these experiences make you stronger and "worldly". You will be more aware now with any man even much older men. You are maturing. There is a normality in this experience, not the exact thing but people go through many different experiences. I was a prison officer at 21-24yo. That experience left me with terrible memories of nastiness and violence even from hardened officer as well as inmates. Some have car accidents that leave them badly injured, others tolerate people that rob them and so on. It's called "life"... sadly... and its hard. More the reason to replace thoughts of that guy with happy experiences. 

TonyWK