When I should be enjoying my life its full of things I want to forget

[Living57]

Ive struggled since Rememberance Day,  I tried to remember the people, but my mind kept drifting back to my nightmare, its now three years on and fight as I might I can't stop remembering, I feel asif I'm cracked and shattered inside and out and can't be fixed. At my age I had thought life would be wonderful, so nice, anything but the nightmare I endure on a daily basis.  Three years on and I still lay in bed, wishing I  could do anything but think, wishing and hoping for a night without flashbacks and nightmares,  wishing I could 'get over it' or 'move on' as so many people tell me I should. Wishing it was not endless rounds of medical appointments trying to end the horrors.
I am as tired now as i was when it happened, mentally, physically and emotionally.
And no matter what I take or how I try or what I listen to, my mind just won’t shut off.
All the things I didn't do, all the events of that night, replayed over and over in my mind, analyzing and overthinking.  I cry until I feel like i have no tears left, but they keep coming, I wish it wasn’t like this, because i hate these times when I want to sleep..
But I  just can’t.
I've  tried all the tricks and still my mind fights with my overthinking.Wondering what would have happened if I had reacted differently. And anger and frustration leads to more tears, and all I want to do is stop the thinking, stop the crying and have a night of sleep, just one night.
But its a small victory I'm here at all, and that will have to do, as i keep trying to deal with the night terrors and the constant daily reminders and the feeling I will never ever get peace of mind.

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Living57,

I’m so sorry that your having so many flashbacks and nightmares about what happened to you….

I went through a lot of childhood trauma as well as DV, and I used to think..that if I did better to defend myself and my children things could have worked out better…I constantly blamed myself…telling myself if only I tried harder to fight back…but you know, the thing is when these traumatic things are happening to us…We do the best we can at that time to survive….it’s only when we look back, we tell ourselves that we should have do this or done it that way…but the truth is Living57, that we done our utmost best to survive that situation…

Flashbacks  and nightmares are things that I still at times struggle with, when the thoughts constantly start to invade my mind…I straight a way try hard to distract them….hard I now sweetheart…in time and with much practise it’s possible to to do that….I mostly put on a song I know the words to and sing a long with it….Our minds can only think of one thing at a time…so by distracting our traumic thoughts onto something else does most times help……

At night, when it’s quiet and my mind starts to remember…I put on a sleep story when I lay down to go to sleep…I listen intently to every word the reader says, and my mind starts to calm down as I find myself listening to the peaceful scenery’s of the authors world….I fall asleep sometime through the story with a mind not on my trauma…..

These coping strategies might not work straight away but with practice each time those bad memories pop up…they hopefully will give you a bit of peace..

Thinking of you with kindness and care sweet Living57…and hoping so much that your mind finds a little peace…

Grandy..

[Living57]

Hi Grandy

Thank you for your words and ideas, they are gratefully received. I have never tried an audio book, but will now look in to it. Thank you