Obsessive thoughts about trauma: Over 10 years of severe abuse from a parent

[lennon11]

Hi all, new here to the forum.

Over the past couple of months, I've had memories resurfacing about physical, sexual and emotional trauma that I experienced from my father for over 10 years while growing up. He had substance abuse problems and untreated mental illness which influenced the situation, as well.

Now I'm at a place where I'm basically thinking about the memories all the time. There are so many things that I am feeling and trying to piece together. I am also trying to make sense of why these things happened - what frame of mind he was in and such.

These obsessive and intrusive memories are basically starting to take over my life, specifically influencing my focus with work and school.

And it is all very isolating...I don't think anyone in my life would understand what happened or what I am going through now (nor should I expect them to). No one in my family knows what happened. I've told my partner and a couple of friends that I've been through abuse but haven't gone into much detail, basically for fear of overwhelming them. I've talked with a counselor a couple times but didn't find it completely helpful as it focused more about logistics of taking care of myself in general - I normally have a healthy lifestyle so that's not what I'm struggling with, it's the obsessive thoughts. And for reference, I've been on meds for bipolar for a while and have meds to spot treat anxiety, which generally work well. But these symptoms have been worse lately, as the ptsd has been worse.

Normally I wouldn't feel the need to talk about these things, but lately the trauma has been taking up most of my thoughts and attention. It can be difficult to not feel able to express what I'm really thinking and feeling to the people in my life.

I have tried to spend time sitting with these thoughts to process and feel. Obviously there is a lot that happened and my mind is trying to make sense of it all. But I can't just sit and think about it all of the time.

My coping lately has basically just been to distract myself. As soon as I stop focusing on something, then the traumatic memories tend to come back.

Just looking to see if anyone has similar experiences with obsessive/intrusive Ptsd thoughts. What do you do to handle them? Do you talk about your trauma with the people in your life?

Thanks very much.

[Sophie_M]

Welcome to the forums, lennon11

Thank you so much for sharing your journey with us here. It is very brave of you to do so and we are so sorry to hear about what you have been through. We understand that your last experience with a counsellor may have discouraged you from seeking help, and we are so glad that you had the courage to reach out here. Please know that you are strong and you are valuable. You've come to a safe, non-judgemental space and our community is here to support you through this- you're not alone.

We can hear that this is a really tough time for you and you're wanting some support to help with these thoughts. We would strongly urge that you contact 1800RESPECT. They offer 24/7 confidential information, counselling and support for people impacted by sexual assault, domestic or family violence and abuse. The lovely supportive counsellors have a lot of experience offering advice and support to anyone who has been through trauma like this. You can contact them on 1800 737 732 or visit  https://www.1800respect.org.au/
You are also always welcome to get in touch with our Support Service anytime on 1300 22 4636 or through Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport One of the friendly counsellors can offer you some short-term support but also provide you with advice and referrals for further support in a more ongoing way if that's something you feel might be helpful to you.

We hope that you can find some comfort in the forums and please feel free to keep us updated here on your thread throughout your journey.  
 

[ecomama]

Dear lennon11, welcome to the forums and I'm so sorry for what you've been through. I'm also sorry for how things are going for you now.

Yes I COMPLETELY understand. If you read Mara56s thread 'Complex PTSD' and my thread 'new person', you'll see we've had similar experiences and now similar reactions. You can also see what support we are getting and how it's going for us.

I'm so glad you've come to BB. Now you have others to talk to. You can say whatever you need to.

I urge you to seek a Psychologist and hopefully one that specialises in PTSD. This week I described to my friend that having (untreated) PTSD is like you've been irradiated and then it exponentially increases until you don't know which way is up. It becomes completely unmanageable.

I know you have competently managed it till now. Mara and I did over decades, still raising our families and working in challenging careers. It just got worse for us. We were not diagnosed for many years.

There are SO MANY things we've done but my healing has been exponentially enhanced by seeing a Specialist Trauma Psychologist recently (I'm up to my 4th session in 4 weeks). Basically I was treading water and sometimes felt like I was drowning until now....

The psych will be able to work out whether you have other issues (I have anxiety as well) and what else needs to be done. Sometimes PTSD can manifest as other things, so this may need to be worked out for you.

Dear lennon, tell anyone you want to but it may be advisable to do this after you begin seeing a MH Professional. They can guide you far better. You will get stronger and stronger but only you can make the decisions on who to tell. This is always YOUR business and therefore yours to tell whom you want to.

I've told my best friends. I tell everyone here lol. Have a read of our threads and see what you can take away.

We are always here to talk to.

Take care
EM

[lennon11]

Thank you for your thoughts and advice 🙂 It Is helpful to know that I'm not alone in this kind of thing.

Basically now I'm feeling 2 kinds of things:

1. Obsessive PTSD thoughts. It almost feels like my mind is addicted to thinking about the trauma. It is really hindering all of my productivity. I used to be really productive and efficient with work and everything else, and now it feels like I am just stuck.

2. Guilt/worry about what the abuser is doing now. I haven't had any real contact with the abuser in years, which is absolutely the best thing for me. And I felt like I had completely moved on with my life. But lately I've been worrying and thinking about them.

I just feel pretty consumed with PTSD stuff at the moment, like it's taking over. I feel like I need to reach some kind of "closure" and then I will be able to move forward. I'm not sure exactly what that means. Just trying to cope and do the best that I can.

[lennon11]

Thank you for the suggested links! I appreciate it and will look into getting in touch.

[ecomama]

Dear lennon

You are definitely not alone. I'll put some options for you at the bottom of this post...

In response to your points:

1. Yes this can happen. I would urge you to seek a Mental Health Care Plan from your GP for a Specialist Trauma Psychologist asap. From my own experience and that of many others here and other research I've read online, it will only get worse if you try to cope with this on your own. The Blue Knot Foundation has lots to read there. But you can have a tailored program that will help YOU. I don't believe we can do this on our own.
Things can just get beyond manageable as our brain's neural pathways are set to "habitual thinking".
A Psych can help create new pathways and then once practiced our brain "prunes" the old pathways. Alot of work! SO WORTH IT.

2. Yes this can be part of it too. Your psych will be able to help here too.

I have a Counsellor and a Specialist Trauma Psych now. I've had my Counsellor for around 4y but my friend noticed me dissociating this year and also has a psych degree and said it was urgent that I got more in depth MH support asap.

Please phone 1800RESPECT, open 24/7. You can talk to them anonymously but you can also give them your name so they can keep records and know who you are and how to keep any support flowing for you instead of you having to retell your story each time.

I urge you to call Crimestoppers anonymously OR you can call your local Police Station and ask to speak to the Police Social Worker. THEY HAVE BEEN AMAZING with us. You can still report the abuse. Whether any charges are laid is a completely other thing. Usually Police can refer you to a Sexual Assault Counsellor for free. I couldn't cope with this service - for me it seemed basically all about evidence collecting. Which has to be done for Police to gather enough evidence to charge offenders.

I needed help to cope.

When you report the abuse and you have an incident number, you can wait a while and phone Victim's Services in your State (ask the Police Social Worker about all supports available to you). Victim's Services may be able to help pay for your Psych support. Victim's Services also installed CCTV in our home as the offender was terrorising me and my family.

We're safe now.

If I don't respond to you here please post on my thread 'new person' and both Mara and I would be able to support you all along the way.

We've got you. It's ok. The abuse is in the past. Time to begin healing.

Love EM

[Guest_1643]

Hey Lennon11,

Thank you for sharing. I'm goign through some similar things. I don't really have the answers because I'm still learning myself, but wanted to tell yu that you're not alone.
I've not contacted the abuser despite sometimes wanting to (dreams of revenge, telling them the truth, standing up for myself etc, making them upset)... But I haven't had any contact and I think that does help recovery. I've also got a lot of help from support lines such as BB and Lifeline and 1800Respect. They are amazing.

I believe there is light at the end of the tunnel and hope you find healing. Thank you for sharing here I'm definitely interested to hear more about ur journey

[lennon11]

Hi all,

I've recently been dealing with many intrusive thoughts - basically obsessing over past abuse/violence/etc. that went on for years. I've also started to have lots of nightmares about the trauma. It is impacting my quality of sleep and I wake up panicked and restless.

To give more detail, my intrusive thoughts sometimes manifest as what might be dissociation - I am not sure. I basically stare off into space and feel incredibly zoned out. And I think about the details of the trauma over and over again. I don't know if that is an appropriate way to cope, or if I should try to stop thinking about the trauma so much. I just want to feel happy and fully connected to people again.

It is beginning to impact many parts of my life. I feel like I am dealing with many serious things, and my friends and loved ones (who don't completely know about the abuse) do not understand. I am starting to feel a little bit of resentment against people who complain about their "smaller" problems, when I have been through so much, and have not had anyone who can really understand. I know that everyone's experiences and pain are valid, so it is okay for them to express whatever they are feeling. I have such love for everyone in my life and I am not trying to judge anyone for the way that they interpret their pain or experiences. Honestly, I am just feeling isolated and alone in my trauma.

I have been experiencing days in a row where I basically think about the trauma non-stop. I feel like I can't really talk about it to anyone in my life because they won't understand. It is also beginning to impact my productivity in school/work. I am generally quite good at being productive, even in the face of stress or trauma. But recently I have started to feel drained and run down with all of this going on.

I have started seeing a GP, psychiatrist, and general counselor. While this has been helpful, I might still like to receive more support. I might look into seeing a trauma specialist, or something similar.

Is there anyone who deals with frequent intrusive thoughts about their traumas? Especially when they don't have friends/family members who totally understand. I would love to hear your thoughts.

Thank you.

[Guest_1643]

Hey Lennon

you write beautifully and clearly and seem to have a great head on your shoulders

i want to congratulate you on writing here, and being so open and aware

this is so important.

I noticed you are seeing a psychiatrist, just wandering if they are trained in trauma, a lot of them aren't, sadly..

I suffer nightmares too, and have a few tools I use to calm down - weighted blankets, diffusers with oils, and a little cd player with nostalgic cds, from happier times - these help transport me to safety...

I hear what you're saying about smaller problems and feeling like people don't get it. You've gone through something which seems isolating, but there are people that understand. Have you read the book The Body Keeps the Score or seen Dr Peter Levine's work on Youtube??

Have you had any thoughts about the nightmares, how you understand them ? I'm not sure myself exactly why I continue to get nightmraes, but its very painful so i really feel for you... wishing you strength over your journey

[ecomama]

Welcome back lennon11

Yes there are psychologists who specialise in trauma.
I'm seeing one atm.

You can phone 1800RESPECT and ask them for a name of one in your area. You may be best placed to talk to the Counsellor / Psychologist on this number about the precise abuse you suffered because it's then they'll know and be able to help match you more appropriately to the best MH professional.

I live in quite a highly populated area with SO MANY psychologists but 1800RESPECT only recommended one for me. Just one! I was gobsmacked.

I was seeking a "tailored individualised program" from a psychologist who specialised in trauma esp PTSD.

Turns out she was perfect for my needs. She does CBT and Exposure therapy and is a PTSD researcher. By session 3 most of my nightmares were gone. Only had 2, 2 months ago (during the same week).
I've had 7 sessions now.
My aim was to be able to "file" my memories and recall them if I wanted to but without any emotional attachment. She taught me how to do many things to achieve this. I still live in the same home as most of the traumatic events but if I do have an intrusive thought then it passes in a nano second with zero emotions. This is occurring less by the week.
During the past 3 months I also added my own studies of:
Sleepy 21s suggestion of watching Kristen Neff's online talks was so helpful.
I also ploughed through Dr Joe Dispenza's works.
Used Brene Brown's work also.

Through a culmination of all this I've managed to rid the ruminating thoughts (or the habit of doing so) - which were part of the C-PTSD. So I haven't had a full thunderous PTSD "episode" for all this time.

I was dissociating and doubt I do that anymore, the psychs around me have confirmed this.

If you have perseverance, patience (with yourself esp) & persistence, you can get there.
The sooner you get specialised help, the better.

Love EM