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sexual assault trauma & advise

Leona_Maree
Community Member

Hey everyone!
At the start of this year I flew back to my country town for a week before my next uni semester, to stay with one of my old high school friends. My ex boyfriend was one of his roommates, but we were on good terms & keen to catch up. On the last night I blacked out due to an OD at some point when my ex & I were talking. I don't remember a lot but I remember enough to know that I was molested. 

I hate myself for not doing anything or going to the hospital or police straight away, but I just shut down completely and wanted to pretend it didn't happen. I know I need to seek professional help, but when I spoke to my psych about it she told me that I was responsible for putting myself in that situation. Though I logically don't agree with her, emotionally I haven't been as strong. I keep thinking I'm alright and I can move on but I feel so much guilt and shame and disgust in myself. My current boyfriend knows and it took a lot to stop him from going after my ex.

I've started to lose close friends because of the fallout of the assault. My ex is a very influential and charismatic guy in my home town, and he's been busy damaging my reputation back home, in order to save his. There's no evidence to go to the police. I knew in the morning that it wasn't an option considering the serious conservative corruption in my town - no rape claims are ever investigated. I just would really appreciate some advice on how I can emotionally heal from this. It's effecting me in ways I could never imagine. I'm not sure how to explain all this but I'm definitely just not feeling great in myself to a pretty concerning extent. My boyfriend has been really incredible during this and so supportive & understanding - so please know he's done everything right! I had been dealing with drug addiction issues for a while at that point and if I had just not taken it so far that night I could have fought him off.
Thank you for those who read this & reply :))

5 Replies 5

Curious77
Community Member
That is so shocking that you taken advantage of like that while you were in such a vulnerable state. You have nothing to feel guilty or ashamed of, only he has. I am so sorry that your psych engaged in victim bashing like that. He had no right to impinge on your rights like that and you are not a piece of meat, you are a human being that deserves to have control of your body and what you want. Please don't beat yourself up when you aren't to blame.

Sophie_M
Moderator
Moderator
Hi Leona Maree,

We are so sorry to hear about what you have been through and that upon seeking help you were made to feel that you are at fault in any way. We understand that this negative experience may have discouraged you from seeking help, and we are so glad that you had the courage to reach out here. We hear you and we believe you. Please know that you are strong and you are valuable. You don't have to do this alone. Our community is here for you.

We can hear that this is a really tough time for you and you're wanting to heal emotionally. We would strongly urge that you contact 1800RESPECT. They offer confidential information, counselling and support 24/7 for people impacted by sexual assault, domestic or family violence and abuse. The lovely supportive counsellors have a lot of experience offering advice to support to women who have been through trauma like this. You can contact them on 1800 737 732 or https://www.1800respect.org.au/

We hope that you can find some comfort in the forums and that you can find the courage to reach out to a health professional again. Feel free to keep us updated here on your thread throughout your journey.
 

romantic_thi3f
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi Leona Maree,

Welcome to the forums and I'm really glad that you're here and decided to post.

I am so sorry to hear about what happened that night - it's understandably traumatising, and yet to hear how your psychologist reacted sounds even more traumatising. Nobody ever 'puts themselves in a situation to be sexually assaulted'. This isn't in anyway your fault. You did not ask for this.

While I understand hating yourself for your own reaction and not going to the police, this is a really really normal response. Shutting down and pretending things happen are our own ways of coping - our brain does what it needs to do to cope with awful situations. Hindsight can be a valuable thing but when we are that vulnerable a lot of the time we just want to do what feels safe.

As for 'emotionally healing' I think that really starts with having a safe space. Finding a counsellor or psychologist who can be there with you and hold all that hate and shame and disgust without any blame whatsoever. It makes sense that you feel this way, but you don't deserve to feel this way.

I hope that you can find some comfort in these forums. I'm really glad that despite your experience with the psychologist (that frankly makes me mad) you were able to reach out again here.

rt

Just want to reiterate what everyone else is saying: none of this is your fault, you didn't deserve it and your psychologist is wrong, that was really cruel of them. I'm so sorry.

I've got into arguments before about victim blaming people who are incapacitated by drugs/alcohol, this idea that "You had it coming, you should have taken better care of yourself" or telling people they're lucky they didn't get sexually assaulted after blacking out at a party. Sure, being incapacitated like that will make you more vulnerable to predatory people but they are responsible for their actions, they are choosing to take advantage of your vulnerable state. A person like that is looking for opportunities to hurt people, it isn't happening on accident.

I've only blacked out at a party once but my friends took care of me. One of them picked me up and put me on my side on a sofa, got me a blanket, a glass of water, painkillers in case I had a headache when I woke up, etc. And 2-3 people stayed with me to keep me safe. That's what good people do when someone is in a vulnerable position, they don't take advantage of them.

I'm sorry this has happened. I hope you are able to heal from it and wish you luck recovering from addiction too.

Your ex-boyfriend is a disgusting person if he did this to you and now spoils your honest reputation. You did well to go to a psychologist and work on this problem, I believe in your success.