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A_Tech PTSD for Medical and First Responders
  • replies: 276

Hi, Well obviously this my situation. I was hoping to find others here that might have a similar background to chat with, it can be so hard to talk about this stuff with non-med people (and I mean no disrespect, it's just often graffic or upsetting t... View more

Hi, Well obviously this my situation. I was hoping to find others here that might have a similar background to chat with, it can be so hard to talk about this stuff with non-med people (and I mean no disrespect, it's just often graffic or upsetting to others). Im a 40 year old female that has spent the last 10years in the State Trauma Hospital as an Anaesthetic Technician. My PTSD was brought about after years of exposure to shocking traumas, deaths, and no support from management. I would love to hear from anyone that has a similar story, or just wants to chat. Cheers

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MIB Looking Over My Shoulder
  • replies: 3

Hi,I trace my change back to 2011, I was in Christchurch New Zealand during the major Feb quake that took 185 lives and left the city in ruins. I was working at home when it struck, both my son and wife were in the Christchurch CBD. I was in shock as... View more

Hi,I trace my change back to 2011, I was in Christchurch New Zealand during the major Feb quake that took 185 lives and left the city in ruins. I was working at home when it struck, both my son and wife were in the Christchurch CBD. I was in shock as I picked myself up off the floor ( Not sure how I ended up there ). I remember jumping in the car and heading into the city, with no power for traffic lights, and big aftershocks causing the road to snake in front of me. I was numb and scared, I could see as I got closer to the city the destruction and smoke rising. I got lucky and got my son on the mobile and arranged a spot for pickup ( Not knowing if that was possible ).I did pick up my wife her building was very damaged and she had some bruises, we headed into the CBD for our son, driving through none existent roads and bridges that we had no idea if they were safe. We ended up parking 4 or 5 blocks out of the CBD and walked barefoot due to the liquefaction, we found my son in the crowd. That was the first part of my personal mission, save my family, now get them home ( This took 4 hours enduring many aftershock quakes ). I have a very clear memory while sitting in traffic looking over and seeing a woman with 2 young children in her car, her eyes were like saucers, and I had never seen that much fear ever it really upset me at the time. Fast forward a few years and I was forever looking over my shoulder, what was out to get me, catastrophizing all parts of my life. I had a short fuse, I thought everyone was out to get me. It's a very exhausting way to live, I did get medication and time did heal but the need to look over my shoulder is a hard thing to conquer, I am lucky to have a great wife to help me step back. I watched the 10 year remembrance on TV, it really got the emotions of the day flowing, its the sounds of the sirens that sets me off. That night I had a vivid dream that ended up with me sprawled on the floor after in my sleep I threw myself under a table so I thought. I have been in Australia for a few years now and fresh start has helped, but the mood swings and old habits still rear their head and this week is one of those times. Sleep patterns shot, the mood is low, Not see a way forward, and wanting just lay down and not deal with anything. It will pass, but it will be back

Booots Ptsd ?? I don’t understand my situation
  • replies: 8

Hi guys , firstly I want to acknowledge that I don’t feel my situation compares to most of the people on here .others have it a lot worse but hoping someone has time to share some insight . I have developed severe anxiety and depression , social anxi... View more

Hi guys , firstly I want to acknowledge that I don’t feel my situation compares to most of the people on here .others have it a lot worse but hoping someone has time to share some insight . I have developed severe anxiety and depression , social anxiety from some bad Experiances that I won’t go into been seeing a psychologist who suspects ptsd - but I read with ptsd there is emotional numbing ... but my emotions are all over the place - anger , guilt , depression , agitation , irritable and withdrawal Anybody have any insight on this ? Because I’m a bit confused by this diagnosis im coping ok ,one day at a time but wondering if I’m going down the right path and getting the right treatment thanks

Ely_ Managing triggers- advice needed please
  • replies: 5

Hi all,I am starting up with support workers again soon. I had a meeting last week where I met them briefly. One of the new ladies unfortunately very much reminds me of a male from my past who caused alot of trauma. It isn't her fault my brain makes ... View more

Hi all,I am starting up with support workers again soon. I had a meeting last week where I met them briefly. One of the new ladies unfortunately very much reminds me of a male from my past who caused alot of trauma. It isn't her fault my brain makes this connection. She just happens to look similar in a number of ways. Does anyone have any tips for how to handle this? There aren't many other options here, and I would definitely rather try if I can. And it doesn't feel fair to the support worker to turn her away for something like this. This is the first time I've encountered a female triggering this response in me. I have only come across males that I have had similar reactions to in the past. So this is all new ground. Thanks.

Eagle Ray Overcoming fear
  • replies: 4

I feel I’m now in a recovery phase from complex trauma but I still struggle with fear that comes up in nearly all situations. Multiple instances of abuse in childhood and adulthood taught me that the world is not safe. I have come a long way, but sti... View more

I feel I’m now in a recovery phase from complex trauma but I still struggle with fear that comes up in nearly all situations. Multiple instances of abuse in childhood and adulthood taught me that the world is not safe. I have come a long way, but still get overwhelmed by fear at times. I am starting to build healthier relationships with people I can genuinely trust. In the past it was nearly impossible for me to know who is safe and who isn’t. This is getting clearer for me in that my capacity to sense a safe, warm, empathic, balanced person from someone who is potentially unsafe or abusive is becoming more attuned and intuitively present. I’m now trying to ease myself back into the workforce but this in itself can activate a lot of fears. I’d love to hear from others who have transitioned from a collapsed trauma state into a more functional human being where fear is on the back burner, something that might still present itself but no longer overrides your whole being. What were your processes in getting there? I know deeply caring for the child part of myself that was injured is a key factor and this process is under way but still in development. Fear was so much a normal state for most of my life, I was like a fish in a bowl of water, not really aware of the medium I was swimming around in. It’s like I didn’t even register for a long time that fear and terror governed pretty much my whole being. I have particular safe places in nature that are consistent places of safety for me. I also feel very safe with animals, even ones other people are scared of. I’m really calm meeting a poisonous snake on a walk trail but can still be really frightened of people. I co-regulate way more easily with animals too. I’d be interested to hear other people’s stories of trauma recovery and what worked for them on their healing journey, especially where fear was embedded in childhood onwards. How did you feel more consistently safe? Feel like I’m gradually getting there but still feel very fragile at times.

Ghost_Rider On Call For Life
  • replies: 7

Former First Responder here. Unsure if this forum is for me but it’s a start. Will see if this introduction is received before writing more.The last one failed after much effort to put my thoughts down. Regards.

Former First Responder here. Unsure if this forum is for me but it’s a start. Will see if this introduction is received before writing more.The last one failed after much effort to put my thoughts down. Regards.

OrangeBeam Coping with past sexual assault, emotional neglect as a child, think I have a porn addiction
  • replies: 12

Hi, new to beyond blue. Not sure where else to turn to. Some events in my life lately have made me realise some things that happened to me as a child and as a teenager that are deeply affecting my now in my late twenties. I am so ashamed of this but ... View more

Hi, new to beyond blue. Not sure where else to turn to. Some events in my life lately have made me realise some things that happened to me as a child and as a teenager that are deeply affecting my now in my late twenties. I am so ashamed of this but if I am honest with myself I believe I may have an addiction to viewing pornography. I believe it to be an addiction because it has gone on for years, and I want to stop and can’t. I tell myself I have it under control, but continue despite not even wanting to do it anymore. I think it is linked to the sexual assault I experienced at the hands of a stranger and other compounding events in my life.. idk. I guess I just hope that someone sees this and responds so I can know maybe I’m not alone? Or the only one with this problem. I know in some ways porn can be normal and actually okay, but it doesn’t feel normal or healthy when I really pull it apart and analyse it for myself. I can’t bring myself to talk about it but I really want help for it, so maybe this is a good place to start. I feel so ashamed of it and like everyone will look at me differently. I feel so alone in my life right now. I want to have a healthy mindset, healthy coping mechanisms with my pain and my trauma. I want to not feel so much shame around this. It’s kind of like, well the rape is something that happened to me, but the porn thing is my choice and my actions and it’s dirty and not okay. The way that I have been raised and the people that surround me don’t talk about sex let alone porn or anything along those lines, so how could I even get started with porn myself? I know that’s what they will wonder if anyone found out and I know I will be looked at differently. idk if anyone can help me understand why I might be having this problem, if it is or isn’t linked to my assault and idk just where I could start in getting help. I do have a therapist but I don’t feel comfortable talking about this and asking for help with it. But I need help. I want to stop. I want to be normal. I want to feel normal.

Anzee Dissociation
  • replies: 2

Hi all, I am having a lot of trouble with dissociation at the moment, it’s chronic and is leading to frequent panic attacks. I am currently going through court (not my decision) and things have been extremely stressful with that and my daughters have... View more

Hi all, I am having a lot of trouble with dissociation at the moment, it’s chronic and is leading to frequent panic attacks. I am currently going through court (not my decision) and things have been extremely stressful with that and my daughters have now been allocated lawyers also, but I can’t find any info on the children’s lawyer they have been allocated and I haven’t had great experiences with lawyers or registrars through the family court system so I was really hoping I’d be able to find some info on their lawyer just to help alleviate some of their anxiety about it all, and I think not being able to find any info on their lawyer at all is causing severe stress for me which is leading to chronic dissociation and panic attacks. I have a therapist I see once a week but my apts are on fridays and I’m feeling like I’m really struggling in that time between so I’m wondering if anyone else suffers dissociation along with their panic/ anxiety?

tired_14 Shame, disgust, guilt and self-loathing
  • replies: 2

I have been living with C-PTSD, Depression, Anxiety, OCD and an ED since I was a child. Every time I feel like I have taken a step...I find myself hitting rock bottom again. I just feel so incredibly disgusted in myself from the many many years of ch... View more

I have been living with C-PTSD, Depression, Anxiety, OCD and an ED since I was a child. Every time I feel like I have taken a step...I find myself hitting rock bottom again. I just feel so incredibly disgusted in myself from the many many years of childhood and adulthood SA from my family. I hate myself and feel so ashamed....I can't help but feel like this is what is holding me back. Stopping me from learning to live rather than just existing. How do I do it? How do I move on from the guilt, disgust, hatred, shame and self-loathing?

DIDbloke Guilt after trauma
  • replies: 2

Hi All I experienced sexual abuse as a 5 and 6 yo. At the time I was obviously not able to understand what and why this was happening to me. I twisted it all around in my immature mind and thought it was my fault, perhaps I had been naughty or bad or... View more

Hi All I experienced sexual abuse as a 5 and 6 yo. At the time I was obviously not able to understand what and why this was happening to me. I twisted it all around in my immature mind and thought it was my fault, perhaps I had been naughty or bad or something. I also (for reasons I don’t understand) thought that if I had been a girl, this would not have been happening to me, so it was my fault for being a boy. Even though I realised years later that I was a victim the guilt lodged on my subconscious or unconscious mind and is still there undiminished. The combination of this guilt, DID and PTSD, have left me with very low self esteem and a subconscious drive to punish myself physically, mentally and in other ways. Are there others with guilt from childhood abuse and how do you handle it?

Echtis I don't think I'll ever recover
  • replies: 2

I experienced a wide variety of sexual and emotional abuse as a child and teenager. My sexual abuse occured between the ages of 12-17 and I believe it fundamentally broke something in me. I'm seeing someone, and I stayed over at their place, and I wo... View more

I experienced a wide variety of sexual and emotional abuse as a child and teenager. My sexual abuse occured between the ages of 12-17 and I believe it fundamentally broke something in me. I'm seeing someone, and I stayed over at their place, and I woke up to them cuddling me. I had a breakdown right then and there. I haven't had sex since I was 17, with my abuser, and still to this day the idea of it scares and disgusts me. I want to make my gf happy, and I know she wants to do this stuff, but I don't know how to overcome this. It really just makes me hate myself, I'm afraid, she asked if I'm a virgin and that's why I'm nervous/afraid. This stuff is too difficult to talk about and I don't think anyone believes me when I do, so I said I couldn't explain and she wouldn't believe me, which was bad on my part. Either way, I'm hopeless. 24 year old male and I start shaking if someone puts their hand on my leg. It's just over.

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