Managing triggers- advice needed please

[Ely_]

Hi all,

I am starting up with support workers again soon. I had a meeting last week where I met them briefly. One of the new ladies unfortunately very much reminds me of a male from my past who caused alot of trauma. It isn't her fault my brain makes this connection. She just happens to look similar in a number of ways. Does anyone have any tips for how to handle this? There aren't many other options here, and I would definitely rather try if I can. And it doesn't feel fair to the support worker to turn her away for something like this. This is the first time I've encountered a female triggering this response in me. I have only come across  males that I have had similar reactions to in the past. So this is all new ground. 

Thanks.

[Bob_22]

Hi Ely_

Thank you for sharing some of your story with us. It is great to hear that you will be seeing some support workers soon. I myself hope to become a support worker some day and would love hearing people's experiences of having to use a service for the first time. I would hope you feel you can share your experience with your support workers if you're comfortable. Most professionals are very open to feedback in this arena and would do their best to accommodate. Of course this is only in my personal experience so can't speak for everyone. 🙂 🙂

Bob

[romantic_thi3f]

Hey Ely_

Thank you for reaching out about this and sorry you're having a tough time with it.  I'm not sure if I have any great advice though.  I think for me personally it was about managing my own trauma and feeling safe so that people didn't remind me of other people.  Whenever I see someone that feels similar, I try and point out (in my head) all the reasons things are different; so you're living in 2022 (or more specifically the 20th December as I'm writing this depending on when your trauma happened); the male isn't here, she is female, a support worker, maybe dresses a bit differently, different hair, etc.  The more things you notice (however small) can often help.

That said though, this can take time and it's not easy.

Depending on how comfortable you are, you could always put a request in; like if you were to feel safer with them not wearing a certain colour, or wearing a lanyard or a different perfume for instance.  It's also totally okay to ask for a different one.   I work in healthcare now and I wouldn't be offended at all; I'd rather the client be comfortable and feel safe, whatever that looked like.  

Hope this helps

rt

[Ely_]

Hi Bob and rt, 

Thanks for replying. Unfortunately it didn't work out with that particular worker. I had a shift with her on Saturday and it was a disaster. Only lasted an hour until I actually told her she could go. She fell asleep on the lounge twice... On her first shift with me. I have only been with this company a week! She will not be returning. I was already having trouble in my head with managing my internal reaction to my triggers. This as well... 

Rt, if it was clothes, or a drink or something like in the past, I have spoken to people about that stuff. But this lady had a similar body structure, and culture, so something for me to try to work on in the future maybe. I definitely didn't need to add to my growing list of triggers though. I even hate the word trigger now. Does anyone else? When I first started therapy I found it helpful when identifying things to work on, but in the last couple of years it just seems like the word has lost it's meaning and it feels weird to use it now. Almost like if I use it most people won't understand the depth of it properly?

Sorry for the rambling,  it's been a big day. 

Ely

[romantic_thi3f]

Hey Ely_

Oh gosh, I'm so sorry - how terrible!  That's so disrespectful to you and you deserved so much better.

What you've said is understandable; it's hard to know what might be upsetting and even I can't always identify my own so I thought it could be worth trying if that was doable.

Hm, yeah I see that.  I still use the word for me because I think it best fits my experience, but it's totally overused and I agree with you.  I find it hard when I have genuine triggers for my trauma and hear "oh, so triggered!" making a mockery of it.  Is this what you are referring to?  I've also heard of activated as an alternative term; maybe this could fit better or you could find a new word or phrase that fits.

Please don't apologise for rambling; I'm frustrated for you and I hope if you look for one in the future they can give you the support you're looking for.

rt

[Bob_22]

Hi Ely_

Thanks for the update and I'm sorry to hear that things didn't work out with your support worker. It seems she was unprofessional so hopefully you have a better one next who also doesn't remind you of your old support worker. I understand what you mean by the word 'trigger' and I don't even use the word any more. I like to use the word 'stressor' more now.

No need to apologise. This is what we're here for. Hope you had a nice xmas and found some time to do things you enjoy. It is a stressful time and I hope you take care of yourself.

Bob