Overcoming fear

[Eagle Ray]

I feel I’m now in a recovery phase from complex trauma but I still struggle with fear that comes up in nearly all situations. Multiple instances of abuse in childhood and adulthood taught me that the world is not safe. I have come a long way, but still get overwhelmed by fear at times.

I am starting to build healthier relationships with people I can genuinely trust. In the past it was nearly impossible for me to know who is safe and who isn’t. This is getting clearer for me in that my capacity to sense a safe, warm, empathic, balanced person from someone who is potentially unsafe or abusive is becoming more attuned and intuitively present.

I’m now trying to ease myself back into the workforce but this in itself can activate a lot of fears. I’d love to hear from others who have transitioned from a collapsed trauma state into a more functional human being where fear is on the back burner, something that might still present itself but no longer overrides your whole being. What were your processes in getting there?

 I know deeply caring for the child part of myself that was injured is a key factor and this process is under way but still in development. Fear was so much a normal state for most of my life, I was like a fish in a bowl of water, not really aware of the medium I was swimming around in. It’s like I didn’t even register for a long time that fear and terror governed pretty much my whole being.

I have particular safe places in nature that are consistent places of safety for me. I also feel very safe with animals, even ones other people are scared of. I’m really calm meeting a poisonous snake on a walk trail but can still be really frightened of people. I co-regulate way more easily with animals too.

I’d be interested to hear other people’s stories of trauma recovery and what worked for them on their healing journey, especially where fear was embedded in childhood onwards. How did you feel more consistently safe? Feel like I’m gradually getting there but still feel very fragile at times.

[white knight]

Hello again, great topic,

I might have mentioned to you previously, that my intrusive thoughts became so rampant around 1987 that I attended a therapist where he taught me how to label them in either category of "realistic" or "non realistic".

The non realistic thoughts are seeds for fear. 

I'm 66yo and throughout my life I've grown more aware of how many people out there are destructive, hurtful, narcissistic or just bad and nasty. So I've developed my own "fortress of survival" to make sure I have a good chance of keeping my fragile mind safe.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/relationship-and-family-issues/fortress-of-survival/td-p/216226

Like you I like animals more, they wont hurt me with nasty words and respect my attitude towards them.

But to rely on this attitude is not the end of the survival story, we must live in a society that essentially has conflict in its veins. Therefore I drew ability as a one time prison officer to exercise a strong vocal defence. I'm also a large broad shouldered guy so that alone can be intimidating. The saying "going on the defence with attack" has some merit. If you believe someone is trying to control you, hurt you etc, you have every right to defending yourself. If you dont then that doesnt mean you are doing the right thing by yourself. 

• Defending by countering
• Retreating from society to a measured amount
• Choice of good people
• Slow pace in familiarising yourself with new people

TonyWK

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you Tony for your thoughtful response.

My fears do often fall into the non-realistic category because they are based way back in early life interpersonal dynamics that may not apply at all to current situations. As a young adult I was even scared going up to a shop assistant to ask for assistance, always expecting unpredictable attack from everyone when it was most unlikely. Just because this happened to me as a child, it doesn’t mean it’s going to happen in most situations now.

Then there’s situations where some form of defence/protection is still necessary. I didn’t used to recognise boundary intrusions well, but I’m intuitively identifying red flags faster now. I like your idea of a fortress of survival. It’s a helpful approach to boundaries. Those of us who’ve been interpersonally injured do need to create a safe haven for ourselves in which we can self-nurture and build our own strength and wellness.

This morning I did a meditation focusing on my inner child. I had trouble accessing her so imagined her sitting next to me about age 4 or 5. I realised I still have great difficulty nurturing my child self. I’m even distant and disdainful towards her at times (the way I was actually treated in childhood) even though I’m endlessly kind and nurturing towards others. It made me cry when I realised I’m still treating myself this way. It’s no wonder I still get scared of the world. I definitely have to further develop the capacity to love and care for my child self.

 I’ve realised that because I feel safe with animals they provide me with great guidance where I might find the same thing intimidating with humans. For example, if I watch how parent animals care for and nurture their young, it’s like a model for me how to do this for myself. I find it harder learning from other humans, but I’m still trying to do that too, from those humans I know are safe, good people.

Your bullet points are excellent advice for me. I’ve chosen to live in the country this year and it’s definitely a form of retreat for me that gives me the right kind of space in which to heal. Traumatised animals will retreat in order to heal. They will also bare their teeth when they need to defend themselves and will be cautious in approach to situations and other creatures to ensure they’re safe. They develop wisdom by staying close to their instincts and intuition. I need to do all of the above.

[white knight]

Hi ER

Such a good read, I'm enjoying it so much. Your challenges are piled up but you seem to be "on your way".

I have focussed sometimes on a balance. With all your challenges there is a balance to seek out so you can spread thin your recovery to a liveable level, the balance of happy living while recovering and the happiness ends up winning the weight battle but likely in years to come, then one day you climb a hill and watch a sunset, tears stream down your face as you realise it's as happy as you will get and that's the ultimate.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/the-balance-of-your-life/td-p/102526

Many years ago I was talking to a guy that planned to move interstate away from his toxic family. It seemed a radical move. He'd been raised in the area. I asked him how often he had bumped into scholl friends from 20 years ago "I havent, not one". So I then suggested he consider a location of living two suburbs away as the likelihhod of that with his family is highly unlikely. Reason being is a far away move generates extreme feelings, area not familiar, away from friends etc. So a measured balance is preferable at visiting range.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/want-to-be-a-hermit/td-p/273204

Fear, your post topic is again something I've faced. It's a tug of war between experiencing fear when there is no need to and experiencing fear when its justified.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/anxiety/living-in-fear-or-fearless-living/td-p/548514

Perhaps those posts will help a little.

Reply anytime.

TonyWK

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you Tony, yes those posts all help. The process of balance you describe is exactly what I’m going through right now. At times the scales tip back to trauma and fear, but right now I can feel them tipping towards a happier, more positive place and future. It doesn’t mean that past trauma and grief disappear, but as you describe recovery to a liveable level is possible. The hard things still arise, memories get activated etc, but overall there’s enough balance to find some peace and deep feelings of gratitude.

This morning I felt the greatest gratitude going into town to do some shopping. I’ve been here a number of months and was reclusive at first because I was in a collapsed trauma state when I arrived. This morning multiple others who know me now wished me a merry Christmas, some coming up to give me a hug. I can’t even put into words how much that means to me.

To borrow lines from a Bruce Springsteen song , this town “just wraps its arms around you. Nobody crowds you and nobody goes it alone”. I fantasised about becoming a hermit when I was quite young. The thing is I’m a friendly person who loves people, but fear and mistreatment by others also made me afraid of people. I felt like escape from people was the only way to safety. Now I feel I’ve found a balance between personal space and self-protection, and being connected with others.

 I still dissociate at times, leaving my body and becoming disconnected from both myself and others. This is involuntary and I can feel shame and embarrassment afterwards. But I’m slowly learning not to beat myself up over it, that it’s part of having a trauma history and hopefully will keep improving over time.

It’s when I have an irrational fear and dissociate that I often feel especially bad, because when I realise the fear was unnecessary I feel ashamed for being that way (more ingrained childhood self-punishment). But I am getting kinder to myself and also much stronger when fear and a need for self-protection and boundary setting is justified. It’s like I value myself enough now to defend my own boundaries.

So I feel I’m on the right track even if I hit a few potholes along the way. Thanks again for your encouragement.