Living in fear or fearless living?

[white knight]

At one stage, around 1987 following a stress related workplace incident, wrong diagnosis of heart attack (panic) and ongoing therapy, I was fearful of crowds, shopping centres, cinemas, news of the day and airplanes. That's my list, others would have their own. But one fear that dominated all the rest was - people, specifically narcissistic, aggressive types. Working for 3 years in a jail might not have helped though with my bipolar, HSP (Highly sensitive person), dysthymia etc I might have been the same regardless.

My therapist identified worry as being inground and that was fuelled by intrusive thoughts of fearful events that rarely ever occurred. This led him to teach me what was pivotal in my recovery of anxiety - the ability to separate realistic and non realistic thoughts. Examples-

1. Crowds.  
2. Nasty people. The origin of this was identified as likely being my mothers BPD condition. So, to learn to not discount nastiness from someone and give them the benefit of the doubt, another chance, was significant as often I found those people nasty with one response only, not all the time.
3. Airplanes was easy. Dont fly. 
4. Fear of getting in trouble
5. Other fears

Catastrophising of thoughts is a difficult process to eliminate. Each time you have such thoughts ask yourself- is that thought realistic? Is there any likelihood this crowd will turn violent? Is not flying detrimental to my life? Do I need to know what I'm going to say if an ex prisoner recognises me? Or just being friendly is enough? 

Some unrealistic intrusive thoughts can become real however, how real? Often, no, so after an event that is rare, place it straight back into the "rare" pigeon hole.  That's realistic. Mind games created by ourselves isn't beneficial.

Fear, anxiety, intrusive thoughts all need to be assessed if they are realistic or not.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/anxiety/anxiety-how-l-eliminated-it/td-p/183873

That's one area where therapy helped me. A trained therapist, or other professional medical person can work wonders. This forum available 24/7/365 can give assistance in a supportive role by those that have experienced the symptoms. 

TonyWK

[ecomama]

Hey Tony WK, you create THE most thoughtful, relevant and powerful threads!

I'm in awe of another one. Thank you! You've given a wonderful introduction and summary of part of your journey towards much improved mental health. Wow. Loved reading this. 
I hope you don't mind if I ask more questions?? (Hope so! It's part of my own recovery ie to ask questions). 

There's so much in your first thread opener, I hesitate to know where to start! 
I guess in the logical spot, your childhood. 

I can see how you mentioned your mother had BPD. 
I respect your mother as she birthed a beautiful boy who grew up to be an amazing man. So it's with no disrespect that I ask the following: 
~ do you remember things about your childhood that you can say pinpointed you to have some ingrained ideas? 
~ what was her "attachment style"? 
~ was she erratic? unpredictable? depressed? swinging in her emotional state? 

Am I asking too many questions? Sorry. I'm so keen to know... these things give context to how much work you have had to do over your lifetime also. 

Via therapy, mainly Exposure Therapy, I was able to follow a thread of thought way back to the "perpetrator" of abuse, neglect, violence which (while uncovering my reactions to specific places or people in general), helped me PIN the trigger to the person. 
This was very powerful for me. 

It took most of the "weight" of the trigger away. Some times they just disappeared completely in an instant! 

Love EM

[white knight]

Hi em

Raised in a one income family my "stay at home" mum was a nurturer but also a manipulator, pursuer, sympathy seeker, exaggerator and emotional blackmailer. We 3 kids once adults had a life of turmoil. She owned us.

At 26yo my older brother suicided. My sister and I full of anxiety had no idea we were bipolar and now suspect our brother did also.

4 days before my wedding she ruined the event. No reason apparent. 

My father passed in 1992, her security, her best part of her arsenal was gone. 

A friend suggested I google "queen witch hermit waif" or read "Walking on egg shells" by Lawson. I did the former and read all about my mother. Finally at 53yo I realised we were not to blame, our guilt had no foundation, we weren't "evil" and we never cared we'd be "cut out of her will".

She never got a diagnosis, in denial besides "those doctors are the nut cases". My sister and I severed ties with her prior to my 2nd wedding 2011, yep, after threats to ruin it. No option, court order sort to stop her. She's 90yo now living with her "golden child" a granddaughter whom sees no evil.

Thankfully there's a lot of my dad in me.

TonyWK