Coping with past sexual assault, emotional neglect as a child, think I have a porn addiction

[OrangeBeam]

Hi, new to beyond blue.
Not sure where else to turn to.
Some events in my life lately have made me realise some things that happened to me as a child and as a teenager that are deeply affecting my now in my late twenties.
I am so ashamed of this but if I am honest with myself I believe I may have an addiction to viewing pornography. I believe it to be an addiction because it has gone on for years, and I want to stop and can’t. I tell myself I have it under control, but continue despite not even wanting to do it anymore. I think it is linked to the sexual assault I experienced at the hands of a stranger and other compounding events in my life.. idk.
I guess I just hope that someone sees this and responds so I can know maybe I’m not alone? Or the only one with this problem. I know in some ways porn can be normal and actually okay, but it doesn’t feel normal or healthy when I really pull it apart and analyse it for myself. I can’t bring myself to talk about it but I really want help for it, so maybe this is a good place to start. I feel so ashamed of it and like everyone will look at me differently.
I feel so alone in my life right now. I want to have a healthy mindset, healthy coping mechanisms with my pain and my trauma. I want to not feel so much shame around this. It’s kind of like, well the rape is something that happened to me, but the porn thing is my choice and my actions and it’s dirty and not okay. The way that I have been raised and the people that surround me don’t talk about sex let alone porn or anything along those lines, so how could I even get started with porn myself? I know that’s what they will wonder if anyone found out and I know I will be looked at differently.
idk if anyone can help me understand why I might be having this problem, if it is or isn’t linked to my assault and idk just where I could start in getting help. I do have a therapist but I don’t feel comfortable talking about this and asking for help with it. But I need help. I want to stop. I want to be normal. I want to feel normal.

[Sophie_M]

Hi OrangeBeam, 

A warm welcome to the Beyond Blue forums. We think you are such a strong person to have come through so much and have such a positive and proactive perspective on moving forward in your life. We are really grateful that you were brave enough to reach out to the forums tonight as we know this can be difficult to do for the first time.

We'd recommend that you reach out to the Blue Knot Foundation. They provide phone and email-based support for adult survivors of childhood trauma and abuse. You can contact them via phone at 1300 657 380 or via email at helpline@blueknot.org.au, Monday to Sunday between 9am - 5pm AEDT. They also have a number of resources on their website which might prove to be helpful to you https://www.blueknot.org.au/Resources

If you feel up to it, we'd also recommend getting in touch with our Support Service which is available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or you can visit our website www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport for online chat. One of our friendly counsellors will be able to give you support as well as advice and referrals to help you.

We hope that you keep checking back in with us to let us know how you are going, whenever you feel up to it.
 

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi OrangeBeam,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for reaching out here; I'm really glad that you found the courage to post as I imagine that it wasn't easy sharing this with us.

While this isn't something that I've experienced, I know that you are not alone in this. A lot of pornography addiction is so linked up with trauma and sexual assault. There's lots of different reasons for this and like you said sometimes it can be healthy to look at porn and sometimes not so much.

You mentioned the rape is something that happened to you but the porn thing is your choice - maybe that alone could be a big part of why you're drawn to it, because this is your choice. The rape wasn't your choice, it was completely out of control- this is. Especially with things such as BDSM because it's also a way of control especially when people didn't have it.

I hope this makes sense. I don't judge you for it and I don't think your therapist will either. Do you think maybe you could try and bring it up with them- or even print this out and show them (can be a bit less daunting).

rt

[Unbeliever]

Here is the thing...

Addictions are a result of chemicals released into the brain in response to... anything. And by anything I mean literally ANYTHING.

It can be food, or listening to music, or visiting your grandmother, or exercising, or playing video games, or watching a sunset... or even horrible things like watching people get hurt, or arguing with someone, or watching someone suffer, or harming yourself. If you can think of it, whether it is sweet and innocent or utterly disgusting and repugnant or anything and everything in between... you can develop an addiction to it.
Basically what you have done is trained your brain to release chemicals in direct response to watching pornography. The problem is... just like any addiction over time it requires a "higher dosage" and greater frequency to get the same chemical release effect feeling in your body. Before you know it... you are a full blown addict.

The other thing is... EVERYONE is an addict to something. Whether they think of it that way or not.

In my case I can't deny that I also watch too much pornography. My collection has reached a point that it is embarrassingly impressive and while most people I know are aware that I watch it no-one has any idea how much or how extensive the collection I have actually is... and I would prefer them to not know.

In moderation everything is fine. But there is nothing that is ever good in excess. In regards to pornography mine got out of hand because of my ex breaking my heart so badly that I didn't want to get close to any women anymore afterwards as a result... but unfortunately I was still a sexual being with needs. So pornography became a crutch to find some middle ground. Now it is the closest thing I have to an intimate relationship.

Sad, but true...

Anyway, since you want to stop. I have some good news. You can re-train your brain to release those same chemicals in response to anything else that you choose. As I said above, literally anything else. It will take a lot of repetition and perseverance to train your brain to do this... but do it enough times and for long enough you can replace this addiction with something entirely different... hopefully something that doesn't make you feel embarrassed or ashamed.

Just dedication combined with repetition and time and your brain will eventually do it subconsciously without any conscious effort on your part whatsoever.

Now you just need to decide what you want to transfer your addiction to...

[GimZim]

I think you might want to look into both how you view sex and sexuality just generally AND the porn issue somewhat separately. Obviously I don't know but a few things in your post make me think that maybe the porn isn't the issue but stigma around it and sexuality might be. The porn use could also be problematic but I don't know that and I think whether it's interfering with your life or not is your choice/opinion.

A few things in your post make it sound like sex in general was stigmatised and that you're concerned about what others would think. On top of that you've also suffered sexual violence which is going to impact how you feel about your sex and sexuality and how you express that.

I understand you don't yet feel comfortable enough talking about this to discuss it with your therapist, that's totally fair, I think most people would have difficulty doing so at first.

When you said you want to be and feel normal my first thought was that watching porn is normal.

Does that make sense? I hope so, I'm a bit all over the place today lol

[OrangeBeam]

Hi rt, thank you for you post.
What you said about control really makes sense, I know I struggle with control in general in my life, so that really resonates that it’s a way of having control over something deeply traumatic for myself. I’ve been raised religious so sexuality has never been a major factor in my life, but I am in my late twenties, single and basically terrified of being in a relationship.
I think I will do a bit of scientific research and digging into the possibility of links between experiencing rape and porn addictions.
thank you.

[OrangeBeam]

Hey Unbeliever,

Honestly what you have written has really helped me see things a different way. I really like the idea of being able to “re-train” my brain. While that feels a little overwhelming and I’m not sure where to start, the way you wrote what you wrote really helps.
I have tried to stop before, but I’ve literally never told a soul, and now I have, so maybe that can make all the difference.

I’m sorry to hear about your breakup. Despite being single now and having all these intimacy issues, I did try to have a boyfriend for a short period and it took me years to realise I broke that relationship up because I was way too scared. While my choice the breakup was hard and we were only in each other’s lives for a short period, so I couldn’t even imagine the heartache you’ve gone through. Not sure if I can post photos? but I actually came across this Instagram post the other day that might give you a bit more validation and reassurance?

[OrangeBeam]

Hi GimZim,

that does make sense. Tbh I have been thinking along those same lines too, just with no idea where to start really. I have been raised religious all my life and while I do take some positive values from my upbringing I’d be lying if I didn’t acknowledge it as a contributing factor to my feelings of shame around sex, sexuality, sexual behaviour etc.

I think I definitely need to do some “life checks” and dig a bit deeper internally to work this stuff out

[Unbeliever]

Yeah I might not have been clear.

But re-training your brain is not necessarily about "stopping" something, think about it more like "replacing" or supplimenting porn with alternative outlets.

Basically, the goal in your case would be to increase your range of dopamine and serotonin releases to include a far more diverse range of enjoyable activities. To the point that porn was no longer the dominant one. Or even in the top 10 for you anymore. If that makes sense.

The main problem with porn is its ease of accessibility. So to find a "replacement" that can be as easily accessed at any given moment is difficult. Which means that you might need to focus on achieving a level of quality dopamine releases over the sheer quantity overall with your chosen replacement activities.

Difficult at first. But once you find your groove, you will start to wonder why you ever found it difficult.

Best of luck...

[GimZim]

When I was younger I had issues with compulsive masturbation, wondered if my tastes were impacted by sexual assault, being groomed by a family member who was also pushing weird religious stuff on me, etc.

Now, older and wiser, I think the thing that most negatively impacted me sexually was extreme conservative religious beliefs I had pushed on me. Now that I don't have these same feelings of shame around my sexuality I enjoy a normal and healthy attitude towards it. If anything the issues I had resolved themselves once I got to the bottom of it. If you aren't comfortable talking about the porn thing with your therapist do you think you could discuss the shame issues around sex in general? That might be where to start.