Formally reporting past childhood abuse

[Catie 08]

I experience abuse as a child for a prolonged period of time.  I didnt disclose this to anyone until I was in my late 30's.  I have been going to therapy since then and have made some really good progress but lately I have been considering making a formal report to the police.  My abuser passed away some years ago so I missed my opportunity to have him punished for his crimes but I think reporting this properly, making it formal and having a record of what he did could be a helpful line in the sand for me to move forward.  I know it will never erase the past, however i feel reporting it may put the power back in my hands? I wondered what others may have experience in similar situations? Did you find it helpful or did it make it worse?

[Croix]

Dear Catie 08~

Welcome back, we have talked a bit about how you felt about being thought of as a victim or survivor.

I would suspect the idea of formally reporting the matter although the perpetrator has passed away is possibly part of an attempt to change from being labeled to a more self respecting state, changing your old thoughts about yourself.

I could not really say if the reporting will be all beneficial, there are sometimes unexpected effects, sometimes good, sometimes bad. For instance you may find just the reporting is more traumatic than you had anticipated, then again it may give you a sense of freedom. 

Incidentally did you contact his wife? As you might have seen from my response I was in two minds about that.

There is nothing to stop you reporting the matter, and in fact from a practical point of view your information may assist authorities with other cases. It can however become tangled if you wish to take out a civil action if the perpetrator was part of an institution, I'd wonder if that part would be worth it. 

If I remember correctly your family's belief was very supportive, I hope that there is someone, a family member or friend,  to be with you as doing this alone would be hard.

Forgive me but I forget if it has been suggested you contact the Blue Knot Foundation, who are very experienced in assisting adults who where abused when young. They can certainly tell you of other's experiences.

If you would like to say I would like to know where you decide to go from here

Croix

[Catie 08]

Hi Croix,

Great to hear from you!

I attempted to contact his wife but wasn't successful as the contact details I had were outdated and ended up at a dead end.

I didnt know about the blue knot foundation. Thank you for the suggestion, I will check them out.

Yes. Although I still don't want to be labelled, its more about the balance of power that he held.  I never felt able to speak up against him then, but now that I have had some time to begin healing, I feel stronger and safe to make what he did official.  He wasn't part of an institution so no problem there.  

I do worry that im poking a hornets nest by reliving it all again.  Its a hard call.

I am believed by my family however I don't think they will understand me wanting to report to the police since he is already gone.  I almost don't want to discuss it with them as I don't really want to have them try and talk me out of it.

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Catie 08,

I think that a decision to report your abuser is something that only you can decide…I like everything our dear Croix has posted…

I was sexually abused by my brother over a period of time….a few years back I was being counselled by victims services over that and some other long term abuse…They did ask me if I wanted to formally report it, one of my abusers had passed away, the other is living a good life (as far as I know)…

I thought hard about reporting him…but decided not to…because he has children, grand and great grandchildren…the innocent children who were born to such an evil person, they would have been devastated to learn of his abuse that he inflicted on me, and it would have more likely broken a family apart, sibling taking sides etc, I couldn’t do that to the innocent members of his family…but sweety, that is only my decision and I don’t want to sway you either way with your decision…

I have forgiven him, (not forgetting) though,  because unfortunately it happened and it’s implanted deep in my soul and brain…by forgiving him my thoughts are not constantly circulating around the incident….I have learned to move on…he has no more control over my emotions or life anymore…I won’t let him…because it’s my life to live not his..

Maybe by reporting him, you will gain the power back into your hands…and maybe not…reporting him won’t unfortunately change what’s happened to you…it’s a decision dear Catie,  that only you can decide….everyone thinks differently and does things differently to help their soul heal…

Sending a caring warm hug 🤗 and thinking of you with kindness..

Grandy…

[Croix]

Dear Catie 08~

I think that Grandy has given a caring and wise post, and agree with it all.

You talked about wanting to put in a formal complaint being more concerned with the balance of power, taking it away from him.

I believe you have already achieved that. The very fact you are in a position to make that  complaint now indicates you have the balance of power on your side already. You have reached htat position after many years  recovering form the injury done you  but are there.

True you can now make a complaint, but do you really need to? The fact you now have the power could be a source of great satisfaction and comfort to you. You can do it even if you know it will have some adverse reactions, but know they will not be the same as before. You are able to deliberately face them if you think it worth it -so again you have control.

There are many women and men who have not reached the level you have and it is they that need assistance. While I'm sure you still have ill effects have you considered joining a group who advocates to lessen the incidence of abuse, using your own lived experience, just as Grandy has? 

It may not be just a simple decision -to report or not to report - but something broader where you can feel you are effectively eroding the ability of abusers. 

Croix

[Catie 08]

Thank you Croix and Grandy for your posts.  It has certainly given me some more to think about.

A few years ago I did the lifeline training to become a call taker - in the hope that i could help others who were hurting - but it didnt end well as I ended up re-triggering myself and had to drop out of the training.  I knew it was always a risk but at the time I wanted to help others.  Since then, I have become fiercly protective of my own well-being.  It certainly has been a journey!

There is every possibility that this could happen again if I choose to report this so I will take some time to carefully consider my next move before jumping in.

I am definitely at the point of doing what is right for me.  I have lived my entire life thinking only of what is right for others and I have had immense suffering as a result. My needs are now front and centre (of course still with consideration of others - im not a total monster! Lol).

I will never forgive him, he took too much from me, but I have made peace with the fact that I did the very best I could with the options I was faced with and there is no blame placed at my feet. I always felt so powerless. This is perhaps why I feel the need to take the power back? I will take some time to sit with my options before I make a choice.