Hi Arra
I feel for you so deeply as you face so much anger at this time in your life. When there is an anger that begins to turn into a quiet rage or even a screaming rage in our head, it can be so hard to manage it and make greater sense of it on our own. When guides have seemingly disappeared, it definitely adds to all the emotion we can feel churning within ourself.
It was a few years back when I thought 'I have to make greater sense of what my anger's about because I'm just so sick of feeling it slowly destroying me at times'. I'm talking about the kind of anger that's found in a depression or that deep dark hole in the ground that can feel impossible to get out of. Before making sense of it, I had no idea of just how many things I was angry about. These days, I tend to question 'What am I experiencing an angering level of or an enraging level of ?'. For me, I realised anger is not so much of an emotion itself but points to the level of emotion or the volume of the emotion I'm experiencing, if that makes sense.
While we can be feeling people dis-appointing themselves from their appointed roles as 'guide' and 'support', an angering level of disappointment or desertion is a whole other thing. While we can be feeling a sense of intolerance, a sense of what does not work (in the way of mental health strategies) and a sense of injustice, an angering level of intolerance, useless strategies and injustice is a whole other thing. And while we may sometimes feel some degree of frustration, hopelessness and more, it's a whole different experience when we're feeling such things to angering or enraging degrees. While anger can point to the volume of emotion, as I mention, I found it can also point to the frequency or how often we're led to cycle through such emotions.
While I used to believe feeling anger was wrong and there was something wrong with me for feeling it, I've actually discovered it to be a key of sorts. It has the potential to unlock the truth. In some cases the truth is 'I am feeling an angering or enraging amount of faults in a system or relationship that's just not working for me and I'm feeling those faults frequently'. The systems and relationships that lead us to thrive have a whole different feel to them. Through them we can feel relief, excitement, hope, revelations, progress, personal evolution and so much more. If your recovery goal requires a guide and you're being left alone to manage, that's definitely a fault in the system. Some systems have many faults. We just don't feel the faults until they become angering, stressful or depressing.
