First time poster & abuse survivor.

MelancholyPineapple · ‎27-09-2019

My younger sister has always been the bossy one and the one aware of her mental health and proactive in doing something to take care of herself. Her latest is telling me I have PTSD and demanding that I see a doctor and get help. I'd never really thought about this before but doing some research I have found myself here. I was physically, mentally and sexually abused for 14 years of my childhood. My home life was not great, my "safe" person (my Grandma) passed away when I was 16 and I was offered no grief counselling and to this day I struggle to attend funerals and grieve for friends and family. I was an alcoholic but have been sober for 20 plus years. I cry a lot, I have anxiety (not formally diagnosed), I have the most bizarre and vivid dreams most nights which cause lack of sleep, I have a couple of triggers that really upset me, I like to be in control of things, I hate asking for help from anyone and will struggle on and do things for myself, I prefer to stay at home and avoid as many social things that I can, I push people away, I only have a few close friends. A big issue for me is that I comfort eat, which was fine when I was younger and could burn it off easily but now I'm overweight. Part of me hates how big I am and part of me likes it as it's a big "up you" to my mother who constantly told me I was fat and had to lose weight when I was a child/teen. I've spoken to a counselor in the past but all I really did was sit and cry for the entire session as I struggled to articulate how I was feeling. I feel like maybe I do have PTSD but it's not something I know much about and wonder how to bring this up with my gp. It's nice to have read some other people's posts and know that I am not alone. Not sure what I'm really looking for here, maybe just validation that this is something I can see my doctor about and not just something I'm making up in my head. Thanks

Croix · ‎27-09-2019

Dear MelancholyPineapple~

Welcome here to the Forum, and I'm very glad you came. It would not have been easy to set things out like you have, but it does give a pretty clear picture of your life and what you have to deal with each day. To go for 14 years wiht physical, mental and sexual abuse when young mkaes a huge mark on a person. Worse that mark may not always be totally recognized for exactly what it is.

In that young life your safety was with a loving grandma, and when she passed away a lot more passed with her. Without guessing at reasons why (I'm no doctor) I can well imagine it has stopped you from the feelings you expect yourself to have when others pass away -the grief and the loss.

Crying a lot, maybe for no big reason, having vivid and unpleasant dreams, having triggers, wanting to be in control and pushing other away - plus alcohol and all the rest - all remind me when I became ill with PTSD, depression and anxiety.

I do take my hat off to you ever stopping the drink, that is a very big thing and shows your real strength. As for comfort food, I comfort smoked.

I know you mentioned counseling before and spending the time in tears. I think mine came at least in part from having an opportunity to not be alone with it all, the thought I might be able to lean on someone and not need to be in control of everything - in short relief.

Something so long and so deep is not going to be solved by a few visits, any more than it was for me, however with the right therapist (mine has been a psychiatrist), medications, therapy and patience I'm now a different person. I lead a happy full life with love and accomplishment.

As a tip I've found useful, if you think you are not going to be able to explain face to face, due to overwhelming emotion, embarrassment, or fear, then write everything down first -take a couple of days and get it right. Point form is fine. Book an extended appointment and hand the paper over in the consultation. Then no matter what happens the doctor has something to work with, a clearer picture.

Crying is very common, look how many doctors keep a box of tissues handy, just about all of them.

OK your final question. Yes, you sound like me when I was very ill, not just something in my head, and yes you do need to seek medical support. You have lived so far with unhappiness, it is time to turn it around.

Croix

MelancholyPineapple · ‎28-09-2019

Thanks for your kind words and support Croix, it honestly felt like a virtual hug. Writing everything down sounds like a plan as I know that I would just sit and cry at the doctor. It's just nice to know that I'm not alone.

Croix · ‎28-09-2019

Dear MelancholyPineapple~

Of curse you are not alone, so many people have faced great hardship, and while the causes are not all the same the endurance gives understanding. So I'm happy it has helped. I get to the stage where I need someone to say something nice, or I start to wonder if I am helping (mind you being hugged by a walrus is not all it's cracked up to be:)

It took me a while to get used to crying, in fact because I'd never done it since I was a little kid it was frightening -and even physically painful. Now if it happens it happens, no drama.

Crying or not, it is not easy to go to the doctor and if you are like I was then you will come up wiht reasons not to go. They are never really good ones.

Do you reckon you will be able to go?

Croix

MelancholyPineapple · ‎29-09-2019

Dear Croix

My sister has given me until December (when she next visits) to go to the doctor or she is going to come with me. Neither me or my doctor need that, although I'm sure my sister means well.

First excuse not to go - it's school holidays for the next two weeks!

I think I can.

Thank you.

MP

Croix · ‎29-09-2019

Dear MP~

I'm sure she means well, and sometimes I've actually found having someone with me has helped, but December is a long way away, then everyone takes time off for the new year.

Your first excuse, the pressure is off as school holidays have started is in fact the best reason to go. With less stress it will seem easier and will be more effective, a sort of running start for when things ramp up again.

I'm glad you think you can go. It is not going to be nearly as horrible as you fear. I was exactly the same and thought people would think less of me, that I'd end up in hospital or be given drugs that made me a zombie. It all worked out.

Croix

CKS · ‎01-10-2019

Dear MP

Wow i admire you. You are triumphant for getting to this age will little professional support. I hope I'm allowed to say this but whilst you are looking into things about PTSD, i think it would be a good idea to check out Complex PTSD, as your symptoms are very akin to mine some years ago, including addictions.

Take care

CKS

CKS · ‎03-10-2019

Hi MP

How are things going? We are here for you.

CKS

MelancholyPineapple · ‎31-05-2020

Hey thanks for checking in, it's been awhile since I was here and I'm doing okay. Thanks to the covid quarantine I have finally had a doctors appointment and organised a mental health plan. I had my first psychiatrist appointment last week and it went surprisingly well and looking forward to my next one in a couple of weeks. I know it's only the beginning but I'm happy to have finally made a start.

ecomama · ‎01-06-2020

Hi MP

Congratulations on getting your MHCP AND seeing a psych. What a great set of achievements and I'm so pleased for you that your first session went well.

I'm just embarking on my own additional support needs by seeing a Specialist Trauma Psych for PTSD / C-PTSD.

Just chiming in to say you are not alone in your journey. I hope you feel okay to post again,

EM