PTSD and Trauma

CPTSD from Family of Origin/Enmeshment

replies: 1

Hi all, I'm struggling a lot from a recent realisation that spun a lot of my internal thoughts on their head, I used to think more along the lines of having to deal with how I was responding to a dysfunctional family environment; having to be the one... View more

Hi all, I'm struggling a lot from a recent realisation that spun a lot of my internal thoughts on their head, I used to think more along the lines of having to deal with how I was responding to a dysfunctional family environment; having to be the one that stepped in between family disagreements/fights/yelling matches. This alone has left me in a lot of ways feeling like I am a failure for not being able to keep the family together. My therapist introduced me to the term of enmeshment, which started to unravel a series of thoughts because some of the ongoing symptoms of being raised in an enmeshed family described me perfectly. The void that seemed to grow from that recently is; that having to be there for my parents as a 'voice of reason' has left me with years of not being 'seen' or 'heard' by my parents (reaching into up until recently, some 20 years at least) as someone that was suffering from the fall-on affects of them being both too proud to admit there were difficulties which left me with nobody to talk to about how hard it was for me (because in order to come to my level they would have to admit they were doing something wrong). This has hit me for a six, and I'm feeling a bit emotionally overwhelmed. Has anyone else had any experiences like this growing up? I'm trying to listen to resources around it, but they are making me feel more and more raw. It might help to have someone to talk to that has been similarly affected.

Burnt out, ugly and alone.

replies: 12

Hello anybody out there. My first post. Reduced story is I am 48 Single mum of 4 for 18 years. Left my kids father for domestic violence, shunned by my family along time ago so I am all my kids have it has been a long journey. I try to be grateful fo... View more

Hello anybody out there. My first post. Reduced story is I am 48 Single mum of 4 for 18 years. Left my kids father for domestic violence, shunned by my family along time ago so I am all my kids have it has been a long journey. I try to be grateful for what I do have. I do believe the universe is on my side as we have been housed clothed and fed with very little drama. The years are telling on my me i have not aged well. I have no friends but strangers seem to sick me dry and when they feel better I am lime a lepper.. I am really struggling with what is it all for....my soul is just so empty.

C-PTSD/developmental immaturity... Living in fear. (¿Trigger warning?)

replies: 7

I’ve been scoping out this forum for awhile now, I’ve been afraid of posting... until now I guess, okay then. Recently I was diagnosed with c-PTSD due to living with child/adulthood trauma. I am 25 yrs old and, well, I don’t remember a day in my enti... View more

I’ve been scoping out this forum for awhile now, I’ve been afraid of posting... until now I guess, okay then. Recently I was diagnosed with c-PTSD due to living with child/adulthood trauma. I am 25 yrs old and, well, I don’t remember a day in my entire existence when I wasn’t being subjected to trauma or abuse. If the abuse wasn’t being dished out by another, then it was me abusing me, after all I could only take so much until I had to stop and think, if in fact there was something internally wrong with me that was the reason why these horrible things kept on happening to me. I was bullied from the day I walked into primary until the day I left high school in year 11. I was verbally abused, physically harassed, humiliated and neglected at every turn by the people (i.e. teachers and parents) who were meant to protect me from such acts of cruelty. The teachers I blame the most, my parents, well they are certainly at fault in many ways, but there came a time where my trust in adults evaporated, and as a result I kept a lot to myself... I can can go on and on about my childhood with the bullying, the neglect and my battle with mental illness which between the ages 18 & 20 I spent more time in mental health institutions then out — s-harm/s-attempts/dissociation etc.— same as recently tbh, but none of that compares to the last 5 years. At 20 yrs of age I got on NDIS, shortly after my last hospital admission my family had very little hope left, so their last attempt was to put me on NDIS. Thus began the 5 worse years of my life... I was soon paired with a DSW who became my full-time “carer”... well that was a joke, because in those 5 years he raped me/physically and psychologically abused me/threatened me/manipulated me into being his slave by working intensively for 90hrs a week without a dime, only with the promise of not facing his wrath if I do... not that he kept that promise anyway. He put my life in danger (erratic driving/taking me to his drug dealer/other)/he leveraged my already addictive persona by getting me on the drugs & alcohol (“drink with me or you’ll regret it”) controlled my finances putting me in dept after my escape and worse of all making me bare witness to his abuse of others (“tell anyone and you’ll regret it”)... gaslighting — made me believe I was Bisexual to justify him raping me (“I see you’re confused, if you want you can experiment with me, let me help you” etc.) I’m scared and I don’t know how to cope with any of this.

I can't remember it all, it doesnt feel valid

replies: 9

I don't remember much of what happened. And I only remember little things ...BUT WHAT IF I MADE IT ALL UP. Or it wasn't as bad as i think it was. Or I just want an excuse as to why I feel so bad I don't feel my PTSD is valid because why did only reme... View more

I don't remember much of what happened. And I only remember little things ...BUT WHAT IF I MADE IT ALL UP. Or it wasn't as bad as i think it was. Or I just want an excuse as to why I feel so bad I don't feel my PTSD is valid because why did only remembers some things at later age and my parents didn't know about it. And they were also part of it. And then the stuff I caused to happen. Anyway. Idk why I wrote this. I just want to be heard I guess. I saw something this morning that really got to me and I had a flashback of something I had never had before. BUT WHAT IF IT WAS FABRICATED, like it was my imagination or something making something up to explain why that triggered me, despite it being something completely wrong and terrifying in its own right.

Daughter of a Narcisstic Mother

replies: 2

I think I am a daughter of a narcissistic mother. I'm confused and depressed, she's my mother, she birthed me how could I even think like this about her, I am betraying her even just by writing this. I don't want this to be true, please someone tell ... View more

I think I am a daughter of a narcissistic mother. I'm confused and depressed, she's my mother, she birthed me how could I even think like this about her, I am betraying her even just by writing this. I don't want this to be true, please someone tell me I am over reacting, being too sensitive, the same thing I kept getting told my whole life. So Here's why: Until a few months I was renting a house off her, to everyone she knew, she made sure she told them that I was a 'loser' and that she bought a house for me to rent and if it wasn't for her kindness and generosity I would've still been homeless or dead. During the time I was there she tried to evict me once, because she thought I was going to end my relationship with my partner and when we started working things out, she sent out a notice, she rescinded after certain 'conditions' were met. Me and partner were in trouble relationship wise and she knew this, about 6 months later me and my partner reached breaking point. She then sent an eviction notice to my partner and told me she wasn't happy with how things were and that she wasn't evicting me just him and that if we chose to stay together then we could but not while living under the same roof. I told her that if he goes I go, this time she refused to rescind the notice but allowed him to stay, once again providing 'certain conditions' were met, the main one being we had to go from an open relationship to a monogamous one, because their wrong. For the rest of the time we were there she would remind my partner if he ever disagreed with her that she hadn't rescinded the notice or she didn't have to renew the lease, she did that out of kindness. When we left nothing was right or good enough, despite at the final inspection she said it was good enough, but then she changed her mind every call there was something else, more money, I gave in and handed over the bond, so I could end the nightmare. She is image and cleanliness obsessed no matter how clean we kept the house everytime she visited I could feel her eyes examining everything trying to find a speck of dirt so she could let me know, I also believe she regularly went through the house while we were renting. If I don't wear makeup up when I go out with her she tells me off that I could have at least made an effort and that others will probably think I'm a slob and I need a little pride, too much though and I'll look like a stuck up tart. This is just the tip of how deep things go there is so much more.

Remembering childhood abuse.

replies: 2

Me again Has anyone had very little to no memory of their childhood abuse/ trauma but had memories come back after treatment? I only have memory of one pretty mild event, my sister told me she saw an event happen to me (also quite mild) but I remembe... View more

Me again Has anyone had very little to no memory of their childhood abuse/ trauma but had memories come back after treatment? I only have memory of one pretty mild event, my sister told me she saw an event happen to me (also quite mild) but I remember a friend of mine was staying with me and asked me if the abuser did a certain thing, and I remember having this sick feeling in my stomach and told her yes but now I don’t remember any of it, nothing. I get a very sick feeling in my stomach if anyone touches me on certain parts of my body and I do not let anyone use certain methods when it comes to sex because I can’t handle the sick and anxious feelings that come with it and I’m wondering if that has anything to do with something happening to me or if it’s just a feeling I get. I know he did stuff to me which was enough to take him to court (I was about 12) and if he pleaded guilty to all of his charges he would have gone to jail but he said he would plead guilty to half if I dropped the rest so I settled for that. Now almost 20 years later I don’t remember what any of the other events that I had him charged over were and it makes me feel so crazy and question if anything else even happened?! Like surely I would have at least some memory of it? I’ve had flashbacks of other sexual trauma I’ve experienced in my teens and 20s but nothing more of him. Just flashes of his face and him playing games with us like chasey outside (we’re currently staying with my mum and she still lives in the house the abuse happened) so I have had flashbacks of him being at the house but no more of the abuse by him.

How can you be comfortably intimate after new triggers arise from childhood abuse?

replies: 13

Hi everyone, I’ve posted on here a few times for different reasons but they all pretty much relate back to the fact I experienced sexual abuse as a child. I have been with my partner for almost 10 years, we have two kids together and we’ve always had... View more

Hi everyone, I’ve posted on here a few times for different reasons but they all pretty much relate back to the fact I experienced sexual abuse as a child. I have been with my partner for almost 10 years, we have two kids together and we’ve always had a regular and strong sex life. But in April I went through a traumatic event where I was unexpectedly hospitalised with a heart condition and wasn’t allowed to see my family due to covid, I was in ICU and then transferred to a Melbourne hospital. Luckily the procedure was straight forward and although traumatic as I was kept awake and painful it was fixed within a couple of hours. I had severe health anxiety for months afterwards and seeked help from a psychologist. A few months after seeing her I had a trigger surrounding my childhood abuse and I told the psychologist, she referred me to CASA (centre against sexual assault) but it’s taken me a couple of months to actually get the courage to go through with it and I am currently on a wait list. although once I had my first trigger, intimacy was different and my partner had to accept that we couldn’t do the same things we used to, I could still continue for him and not be too uncomfortable, but the last few weeks I am struggling to be intimate at all, every time we try I have triggers and panic attacks and I was just letting him finish anyways to make at least one of us satisfied but the longer I’m waiting to talk to CASA the harder it is getting to even do that and although my partner is trying to be supportive, he doesn’t understand how we can have a strong sex life for 9+ years to nothing so he does get really frustrated and grumpy toward me and the kids when I can’t go through with it for him. I have tried to tell myself I am safe and he is not going to hurt me but I just get so shaky and anxious and end up having flashbacks or nightmares which is really affecting my coping level. Has anyone found something that works to stop having these triggers every time you even try to be intimate? I can’t help but feel like our relationship is wearing thin because of the lack of intimacy.

Missing my children

replies: 1

Its been 7.5 years....long, long, traumatic years without my children. My ex husband and my old friend...his partner one day didn't return them. By the time I had spent and sold everything I owned to try and see them...yes, apparently they may do thi... View more

Its been 7.5 years....long, long, traumatic years without my children. My ex husband and my old friend...his partner one day didn't return them. By the time I had spent and sold everything I owned to try and see them...yes, apparently they may do this...police were no help...just inflamed the situation....by that time it ws many many months and my once loving little angels were 'terrified' and scared of me and didn't want to know me. It's alienation...i am reconciled with that and don't blame them for rejecting me...but it doesn't stop my sadness and devastation of it all. I get flashbacks daily of all sorts of things....despite me being a nice person and law abiding...i have been arrested twice (Seriously...you wouldn't believe it could happen based on no evidence of anything, just phone calls made by my old 'friend')...I have lost any money I had...furniture , everything sold, nearly lived in my car with my dogs twice over 5 moves in 2 years...I had to keep downsizing to more affordable places...I didn't have very many options...my self esteem is shot...I'm trying to do uni at my older age and my 20 year old self (that failed uni) is screaming loser constantly....so 2 essays are due and I have to deal with the actual process as well as calming my inner guard that wants to protect me from more failure...in my job I often have people that get upset...that happened this morning...I did a favour and said I wouold train someone...I didn't want to..and I ask for too little money...anyway...she got upset over a family thing...so I gave her coffee and a chat and then she wanted to train after...so I have given up my morning when I desperately need to get my uni work done now....and I am emotionally spent comforting her...I am being selfish now...shes a lovely person , but she has her daughters...i don't... I miss them so much...what are they doing? What do they look like... I social media stalk everyday...but they rarely ever post any photos...The ones they do have comments...all from people I once knew...some who sympathise with me...some who even said they would find more pictures for me and share them...they never have. I am so so sad...I just constantly feel like crying....I keep a brave face for everyone else...no one wants to hear about my stuff...I don't blame them...there is nothing that can be done ...., but I am so tired and exhausted of listening to everyone's stuff...it always leaaves me very flat and unable to focus on...my assignments...argh! sorry

Probably the most pathetic person you will ever read about.

replies: 18

Hey, I hope everyone is doing well. I'm a 27 year old "man" and I've never had a job, never lived on my own, never had a girlfriend or so much as held hands with anyone in my life. As you can see, the title was not hyperbole. My parents split up when... View more

Hey, I hope everyone is doing well. I'm a 27 year old "man" and I've never had a job, never lived on my own, never had a girlfriend or so much as held hands with anyone in my life. As you can see, the title was not hyperbole. My parents split up when I was around 7 or 8, Dad moved away and I haven't seen him much since then. Around 2 years later Mum got a boyfriend, he seemed nice but he was also an angry drunk. Around the time I started High School it got a lot worse. He'd be drinking before I even left for school in the morning, and by the time I got home he was always in a really bad mood. He started getting violent with us and I was always scared, it was like walking on egg shells for years trying not to set him off. I can remember him yelling and physically abusing us, then 15 minutes later he would be crying, saying he loved us and he'd "never hurt us". I started waking up most nights to loud arguments, sometimes I had panic attacks listening to him. We called the police several times but there was never much they could do. Over this time I put on a lot of weight, people bullied me at school for being fat and ugly and I didn't really have friends. I used to love school and I wanted to do well, but my grades went downhill. By the end I never wanted to go and I was always so tired, I barely even passed. Shortly after I finished school, Mum's boyfriend physically assaulted me. This was the final straw and he finally left us, but we didn't have the money to get my teeth fixed. I was so embarrassed and ashamed I stopped looking after myself completely, I just wanted to hide away and never be seen again. ... And that's basically what I did. It's almost 10 years later and like a useless child I still let Mum support me. I've been trying to apply to jobs for years and I just can't, I basically have a breakdown just trying to figure out what to put on my blank resume, I have tears in my eyes just thinking about it. I know how pathetic it sounds but I can't explain it, anxiety just cripples me. I lost weight but I actually feel worse about how I look now, I'm so ugly and scrawny. I'm too scared to even ask for help, I have a lump in my throat just posting here. Worst of all is knowing I've wasted what should've been the best time of my life, the regret is so painful. I don't know what to do. I just want to be normal.

First time poster & abuse survivor.

replies: 12

My younger sister has always been the bossy one and the one aware of her mental health and proactive in doing something to take care of herself. Her latest is telling me I have PTSD and demanding that I see a doctor and get help. I'd never really tho... View more

My younger sister has always been the bossy one and the one aware of her mental health and proactive in doing something to take care of herself. Her latest is telling me I have PTSD and demanding that I see a doctor and get help. I'd never really thought about this before but doing some research I have found myself here. I was physically, mentally and sexually abused for 14 years of my childhood. My home life was not great, my "safe" person (my Grandma) passed away when I was 16 and I was offered no grief counselling and to this day I struggle to attend funerals and grieve for friends and family. I was an alcoholic but have been sober for 20 plus years. I cry a lot, I have anxiety (not formally diagnosed), I have the most bizarre and vivid dreams most nights which cause lack of sleep, I have a couple of triggers that really upset me, I like to be in control of things, I hate asking for help from anyone and will struggle on and do things for myself, I prefer to stay at home and avoid as many social things that I can, I push people away, I only have a few close friends. A big issue for me is that I comfort eat, which was fine when I was younger and could burn it off easily but now I'm overweight. Part of me hates how big I am and part of me likes it as it's a big "up you" to my mother who constantly told me I was fat and had to lose weight when I was a child/teen. I've spoken to a counselor in the past but all I really did was sit and cry for the entire session as I struggled to articulate how I was feeling. I feel like maybe I do have PTSD but it's not something I know much about and wonder how to bring this up with my gp. It's nice to have read some other people's posts and know that I am not alone. Not sure what I'm really looking for here, maybe just validation that this is something I can see my doctor about and not just something I'm making up in my head. Thanks

Pinned discussions

PTSD for Medical and First Responders

replies: 276

All discussions

CPTSD from Family of Origin/Enmeshment

replies: 1

Burnt out, ugly and alone.

replies: 12

C-PTSD/developmental immaturity... Living in fear. (¿Trigger warning?)

replies: 7

I can't remember it all, it doesnt feel valid

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Daughter of a Narcisstic Mother

replies: 2

Remembering childhood abuse.

replies: 2

How can you be comfortably intimate after new triggers arise from childhood abuse?

replies: 13

Missing my children

replies: 1

Probably the most pathetic person you will ever read about.

replies: 18

First time poster & abuse survivor.

replies: 12

PTSD and trauma

PTSD for Medical and First Responders replies: 276

CPTSD from Family of Origin/Enmeshment replies: 1

Burnt out, ugly and alone. replies: 12

C-PTSD/developmental immaturity... Living in fear. (¿Trigger warning?) replies: 7

I can't remember it all, it doesnt feel valid replies: 9

Daughter of a Narcisstic Mother replies: 2

Remembering childhood abuse. replies: 2

How can you be comfortably intimate after new triggers arise from childhood abuse? replies: 13

Missing my children replies: 1

Probably the most pathetic person you will ever read about. replies: 18

First time poster & abuse survivor. replies: 12

PTSD for Medical and First Responders

replies: 276

CPTSD from Family of Origin/Enmeshment

replies: 1

Burnt out, ugly and alone.

replies: 12

C-PTSD/developmental immaturity... Living in fear. (¿Trigger warning?)

replies: 7

I can't remember it all, it doesnt feel valid

replies: 9

Daughter of a Narcisstic Mother

replies: 2

Remembering childhood abuse.

replies: 2

How can you be comfortably intimate after new triggers arise from childhood abuse?

replies: 13

Missing my children

replies: 1

Probably the most pathetic person you will ever read about.

replies: 18

First time poster & abuse survivor.

replies: 12