First step (trigger warning: sexual assault)

[New_Moon]

Hello.. I've visited this site several times over the past few years, wanting to join, wanting to feel the relief of connection that shared suffering can bring, longing for an anonymous voice that could blurt out all my woes and worries to an anonymous ear. But each time I stopped myself. Compared to some of the posts I read, my situation and my feelings seemed so normal. I was just being a wimp or a drama queen, and my depression would surely wane as it always has in the past. I can cope. I will self-help myself out of this limbo life somehow.

This morning, as I lay in bed crying again and knowing that I would probably spend another lost day not doing anything, not seeing anyone and not moving far from my bed and laptop, I at last realized that I'm not coping and that maybe it's time to seek help from others.

It's been over three months since I've had energy to do anything. I've just scored 'High"on the Q10, and been advised to see my GP. I don't have one, and even if I did, the motivation to get to them just isn't there. I used to do regular gardening and send myself to sleep with hypnotherapy recordings every night, now I just lay in bed, addicted to the cyberspace screen and staying cocooned from the real world. I do volunteer work one day a week. It's the only day I venture out and pretend to be OK. It's a real effort. I feel as though I am waiting to die, and some days I am really impatient for him to arrive and take me.

There are of course life experiences that have led me to this state, but my stories are not unique. My prolonged inability to steer my thoughts and body into healthier directions is what worries me. I'm not used to asking for help, but if someone can reassure me that 'this too shall pass' I'd be really grateful.

[Starwolf]

Good to meet you New Moon,

You have been through traumatic situations. It has taken a toll on your mental/emotional well being. It always does, whether we acknowledge it or not. Your distress leaps at me through the screen. There comes a time when it all becomes too overwhelming to be ignored, to continue hoping it will eventually go away. The sad reality is that it won't.

I know. I am familiar with abuse allsorts, being sole carer for a difficult child, PTSD, dissociation, depression, anxiety, isolation, despair etc...I also am "the strong, independent one" everyone else tends to lean on. The truth is I was also crumbling down deep inside. I too had to put an end to inner destruction and begin the daunting task of salvage and reconstruction .

I too have had to learn that reaching out, accepting help was not a sign of weakness but a show of courage. That working as a team with someone else is not dependence but being proactive.

The mind is a complicated maze at the best of time. Besides, trauma and our response to it sends brain mechanism out of whack. The mind depends on brain function. That's when it all becomes too complex to struggle alone. We keep taking wrong turns, bump against dead ends and wander around endlessly, exhausting ourselves without ever finding a way out. We are trapped.

This is why a professional guide is needed to help us through the maze.

We are not here to tell you what to do. Only to reveal options that have worked for us, share what we know and how we came to that knowledge. To support and cheer you on.

Kindest thoughts.

[New_Moon]

I thought I'd let all you dear mother surrogates know that I have a long appointment booked with a Doc on Friday. I was feeling a lot more balanced yesterday and was thinking "Hey, I'm not so down after all," but this morning when I came on site and couldn't find my posts in the Welcome Forum, I instantly plummeted again. It took me a while to find my new forum, and all the time there were tears, and anger, and frustration...and a part of me was watching and aware that my reaction was very extreme, and not a very healthy one. So despite my reluctance, I'm now starting to agree with you that I do need professional help.

Croix writes, If you falter think of all of us having had the same experience. You all say that in one way or another, and that brings a strange comfort. As much as I cringe at the thought of other people suffering, it's brings a certain 'normalcy' to this fragile, shaky existence.

Pawsy - you and I sound like Soul Sisters! I used to be called Greta Garbo by my family ("I vant to be alone").

Starwolf, congratulations for making me bawl again. Why does having someone showing understanding and compassion reduce me to tears? I have cried more in the past few days since joining BB, than I have in the past few years. The Kleenex company haven't been so happy since my Beloved died.

As for being relocated to the PTSD & Trauma section, I suppose that's appropriate, although I have never really considered myself in such light.

Anyway, will update you on results of GP visit. In the meantime I wish you all

Wellness and Graitude

[pawsy]

ello New Moon

Yes, i was relocated to the suicide thread when i started posting which gave me a bit of a fright, but also was a fair call in retrospect. It's interesting to see (and feel viz kleenex explosion!) what others perceive when you start sharing this biz. Very happy to be your soul sister in the Greta Garbo club. I am for sure a card carrying member, and only moreso as i age. In lots of ways i think it's a very fine way to be: independence, ease in my own company, a kind of togetherness in my small-but-also-great world. Isolation is a problem though, and i have gotten into a psychic mess as a result. No woman is an island ... or is she? I'm on the adventure to discover more about this question now. Stay tuned.

Hope you will stay in touch, best wishes pawsy.

[Starwolf]

Hey New Moon,

Crying is a form of release. It is better for strong emotions to find an outlet than to continue gnawing at your inner self.

I'm sorry that the change of location to the Suicide/self-harm section caused such distress. The Welcome and Orientation section is just the first port of call for all new members. A temporary location. Before we get to know you better, all threads with an initial mention of inclination towards ending it all ends up in the SSH section. It is an internal automatic process, a precautionary measure only. Nothing "personal".

I hope your appointment will go well and will be the start of a journey of self-discovery. Well done for taking this courageous first step.

[New_Moon]

'Morning Pawsy

How wonderful it is to discover that there's someone else who sees solitude as an asset rather than a liability. The difficulty as I see it, is finding a balance between solitude and social connection. Go too far one way and it becomes isolation and a lonely sad place in the mind. Go too far the other way and it can become a manic addiction to social busyness, a co-dependence on others to fill the inner or outer void, which only leads to unhealthy stress and burnout. I've always liked the term 'interdependence'. Maybe we are all islands but with bridges that sometimes get broken, or washed away by sorrow and suffering..

BB seems to be a great place for mending bridges, thanks for your bridgework, SS and fellow GG.

[New_Moon]

Thankyou Starwolf for the little chuckle you created with the "nothing personal" line. But just to clear up any misconception, I wasn't verging on a breakdown over being moved to this particular forum, it was out of the frustration of not knowing where I been moved, and being new to the site, I hadn't sussed out all the navigation tricks to find it.

It took me ages to locate it and all the time my mind was battling with rising anger (why is this so hard/ why is everything so hard for me/ don't bother with it/forget about BB/ who cares etc etc - you get the picture). My prolonged depressed state had lowered not only my frustration levels, but my IQ level as well!

Maybe this has happened to others? I now know that all the information is there, but like me, perhaps other newcomers are not in a state of mind where patient reading and orientation to the site are possible. Is there a way of sending out a proforma email to all new members with basic info on site navigation to address issues like this? Is there a BB Suggestion Box? Do I expect you to answer all these questions ? Of course not. Just wondering out loud in silent print...

Thanks for your well wishes, my anxiety battling with curiosity. The Mind is certainly a most fascinating creature.

Have a happier day (my new mantra)

[Starwolf]

Actually, there is info available on how to use the forums and get the best out of them. If you go to the ALL POSTS section of the forums page and click on Welcome and Orientation, you will find there a number of pinned threads explaining how it all works. Those pinned threads are the first ones in the Welcome section. You will even find a Suggestion thread there.

Yes, it is safe to say that most of us at BB know all about high levels of frustration whenever things don't work out the way we expect them to. It comes with the territory, doesn't it ? 🙂

I agree, the mind is fascinatingly complex and complicated. But when its mechanism gets out of whack, it can also be a pain in the proverbial !

I hope this answers some of your questions. We're here to help whenever possible.

A happier day back to you...definitely.

[pawsy]

Ha, dear New Moon. Your reply reminds me of a t-shirt i saw someone wearing this week that said, 'May the bridges I burn light the way'. I loved that, BUT you remind me how those of us in the GG club need to keep building bridges too ... hoping i retain some some basic skills in bamboo formwork for my current chapter in life.

I think today you have your GP appointment. Hope it goes well and you will let us know what happens. Best wishes from pawsy

[The_Abyss]

New Moon - I had difficulty finding my posts when I started too, and felt very affronted with my location! (and angry with the process). It doesn't bother me now, and to find my posts easily, go to the MY THREADS tab on the main forum page - it then doesn't matter what forum it's in, your threads are easy to find!

Like Starwolf says - we all have shared experiences here and it's nice to find a "sole sister" among the threads. Our stories are personal but share many a same cord with others. I have found in my short term here that there are some I relate better to than others, and some are a better fit on some days than others. You too will find that balance.

I too crave solitude, but find too much is also not good for the psyche!

By the way, how did your doc appt go?