Finding myself again - escaping the narcissist - NO I'm not crazy

Willow13 · ‎11-01-2020

My injuries can't be seen when you look at me but they cut deep to my core. My confidence and expertise in the workplace are appreciated and applauded, I laugh and chat like nothing gets to me or stresses me. On the outside I have it all. Of course I have the normal disruptions and setbacks of everyday life, but only two people closest to me know the truth. I live each day in fear that he will snap and come after me. I constantly look for him everywhere I go. Leaving the relationship was relatively non eventful (mainly because he thought I would come back AGAIN), but the non contact and extracting him from my life is the most difficult thing I've endured. He has not let go, he won't let go and has harrassed, stalked and attempted all ways to manipulate and coerce me into submission and return to his secret world of abuse. He has been relentless and comprehensive, demanding one day to remorseful the next. Endless voicemails, text messages, emails and visits to my workplace. It didn't matter if I blocked his number, he would call or message from another persons phone. He has threatened suicide if I did not do as he asked and talk to him, a guilt he knew I could not live with. This time I am not giving in, I'm stronger and have finally realised I deserve better. I deserve respect. I deserve peace. This was not love, this was manipulation in it's extreme. It's hard to talk about the daily grind of navigating this life. It's hard to know who you can trust with your experiences because you now second guess everyone's intentions and trust. It's lonely and it's scary. The control was extreme. I was not permitted to say "No" to him, I was not permitted to have my own opinion. I was not permitted to have friendships he didn't approve of. I was his servant. If I did make a mistake or displease him there would be consequences always. He showed love by giving me gifts and holidays but there was always a payoff or repayment of some sort. His "LOVE" was always conditional. Would love to hear from those who have experienced this type of abuse. Sharing experiences might help us realise we are not crazy and we are not to blame. Hoping there are people out there willing to chat. One day at a time, moving forward and never looking back no matter how difficult the day is or how much the fear invades my mind. I'm determined this time I will find my way back to me and not have to live in fear anymore.

Catbert · ‎13-02-2020

Hi Willow,

Your post resonated with me, I have just had a lucky escape from a narcissist who I met on line, promised the world, fantasied, ran hot and cold. I am a widow and was desperately lonely, and highly vulnerable. He was a widower, we had a lot in common, our love of travel, wordplay, intelligence and our world view.

We met for a coffee when I was in his area (luckily we live 6 hours apart). He turned on the charm, very seductive. By this time we had been corresponding for a while, romantically, intensely.

He asked me to place his hands in his, which I did and we talked. I thought I was pretty tough, but I was being drawn in. He was nine years older than me, 66, who would have thought? A player at that age.

We met for a highly romantic liaison, 5 star hotel, dinner, lots of sex. He produced a recording he had made allegedly created from his meeting with me two days before. It was hypnotic, relaxing, gradually becoming erotic and I was so grateful.

I missed some of the signs that I normally would. Little things niggled, he comes from a highly successful academic family (high achievers), but he was disparaging of his son who works at a supermarket. He was cold about his brother's emotional state when he looked like losing his business.

I become love struck and overly emotional, almost to the point of infatuation and madness. I chased, when he didn't return emails or texts. I became anguished. I realized that he was playing me, using his power. I addressed it to him with humour to get him to break up with me and he did.

I quickly sought counselling to address my grief (after my husband's passing) and to try to rebuild my life again as a better woman. Don't get me wrong, I behaved badly, irrationally, obsessively. I thought I could play his game and not get hurt, but I did and I lost.

I only hope he does not come back, I have told him not to contact me again. I no longer have his phone number, email etc. Early days, but with counselling my rock bottom is slowly getting better. No more online relationships for me, too fraught with danger.

Willow13 · ‎14-03-2020

I know it's hard to see strength and bravery in yourself but know you are exactly that, strong and brave. If you were to tell your story to yourself as if it was happening to someone else, I know you would think the person in the story was brave and strong.

An affect of this abuse is that you don't see yourself as you truly are. It's time to do that, put yourself first and love and protect that authentic you inside. Believe you are worthy and believe you are incredible for every day that passes as you have beaten this abuse and no longer accept it in your life as you move closer to being you.

Willow13 · ‎14-03-2020

Thank you for sharing your story with me. That takes so much courage.

It's a long journey isn't it. We are all here to learn lessons I honestly believe that. Sometimes it's tough to understand why those lessons bring so much pain. I can only hope for all of us experiencing life like this there is a purpose.

You have taken the first steps to help deal with the trauma memories and I am proud of you for that. Keep going and keep learning. Thank you for sharing your journey. This helps so many people.

Willow13 · ‎14-03-2020

It's hard when all we want to believe is that someone is genuine in their feelings for us. We put ourselves out there we share ourselves with them in the belief that they too, think like us, have beliefs like us and would never intentionally hurt us, but sometimes they do. We find out that they don't think like us, that they don't have the same intentions and that hurts. We try to be good people, we try to love them and all we want is the same in return. Getting professional help is a great step to healing. If we love ourselves enough we can get through anything. I really am starting to believe that. When I love me, I won't accept disrespect I won't accept abuse of any kind anymore because I truly know now I deserve more.