Leaving narcissistic husband and raising baby and toddler on my own

[Mummacarebear555]

Hi everyone,

I have been with my husband for over 10 years and we have 2 toddlers together. Since having children, he hasn't really coped with the changes of fatherhood and me being a stay at home mum who adores her kids. Fast forward and there has been drug and alcohol addiction and a lot of angry outburts at me and the kids.

He is remorseful and getting professional help. But I have become a shell of a person. Confidence and self esteem lost, have lost 7 kg and lots of hair in the process of dealing with him and managing two toddlers by myself. I used to be a full time professional and now have no confidence to work.

We have been seperated but I am taking the plunge to move away with the kids.

It has all been about him. He is a good person but he is also selfish and mostly thinks about himself. He even said he would move out of the family house and rent a one bedroom apartment even though there would be no where for the kids to stay.

Questions- am I doing the right thing and can i cope with the kids by myself? Can he change, considering he is getting professional help? Or is is over?

Once I'm out of the picture, will he have any interest in the kids? (He likes them in small doses or in front of other people he puts on a show, but he sees the majority of parenting as a chore).

[Croix]

Dear Mummacarebear555~

I'd like to welcome you here and can understand your worries, which you have set out well. Your husband seems bound up in himself and is not part of a partnership, far from it. You bear the burdens of motherhood, running the household and accommodating his behavior and addictions.

Now you are considering separation, which is more than understandable and very brave for a person with no self-confidence and self esteem - a very frightening idea, not everyone is capable of even contemplating that.

I guess the are several things, the first being is it financially possible for you to move away? If so it does open up new possibilities. You already look after the kids, do you think that would be harder by yourself?

That of course raises the question if you have family or friends to help, either emotionally with understanding, or practical help (child minding?) or both?

Drugs and alcohol are of course addictions and hard to get over, I'm glad he is getting professional help, however any sort of "cure" is not guaranteed -far from it. Plus if it is the pressure of you not working and kids that is driving him in that direction then being together does not seem advisable -at least for now

If you separate, it may be permanent, it may not. However I'm not sure how much longer you can continue as things are, hair loss, no self esteem or confidence and significant weight reduction all seem to me to point to being under so much stress and worry that you have fallen ill and may get worse. (I'm no doctor, just a person with depression bouts plus ongoing anxiety)

May I ask if you are under medical support?

I'm not sure anyone can answer about his future attitude to the children, maybe in time he will come to feel a lack, maybe as they get older he might relate better, but frankly this is just a guess. He may head in other directions. I think your instinct is the best indicator, after 10 years you know him.

I'm afraid I've not answered any of your questions, just pointed out possibilities

Please come back some more

Croix

Leaving is a process with losts of problems, some practical, some emotional, and I would strongly suggest that if you have not done so already you seek help from those for whom this is familiar territory. 1800RESPECT (1800 737 732) is one such starting point, our own 24/7 help line (1300 22 4636) is another, where they may be able to point you towards support in your own area.

You do need to know hte problems in advance.

[Croix]

P.S. Sorry, pressed SEND before I finished editing, however despite the typos etc I think you can still understand what I mean
-C

[Mummacarebear555]

Hi Croix,

Thanks for your understanding and support. I am extremely lucky that I have a very supportive family to back me. We will be moving to my parents so I have help and support. Financially we still depend on him, but will be working that out.

Yes, I am getting medical support myself, have been seeing my GP and psychologist. I am still able to function day to day and keep my kids happy and healthy, each day is getting slightly more manageable, but I still have a lot of anxiety.

I agree, I have spent a lot of time and stress trying to keep my husband happy. When he is good, it's good. But when he comes home in a bad mood or is depressed, we walk on eggshells as he is quick to get angry, make snide remarks or putdowns or yell at the kids. He finds fatherhood difficult and stressful. He has always had an addictive personality, but since having the kids it turned into a drinking problem which then led to a drug problem which was kept a secret from me until I uncovered it a few months ago. He has lied to my face so many times. And has abused me (not physically) on numerous occassions when drunk or under the influence. He is currently 'clean and sober' but seemed to have slips every few weeks, despite seeing a counsellor, which is when/why I separated. The last time he lied to my face even though I had evidence. He is going through the motions of getti by sober, seeing a counsellor and going to AA meetings. But i question whether he is truly motivated to stop or just wants the appearance of doing so.

I have been doing a lot of resesearch and have convinced myself that he might be a narcissist.

[blondguy]

Hi Mummacarebear555

Thankyou for being a part of the forum family

From your opening post it is evident your husband has difficulty coping....You have tried to keep the 'wheels turning' yet at the expense of your own health.. It is sad to read about the outbursts and the substance abuse you mentioned..I understand as I went through the same

I do feel for you...You and your childrens' well being are paramount....all other considerations are secondary at this time..Our children are like sponges and absorb so much of their environment...especially in their formative years...(now)

any questions are always welcome Mummacarebear....The forums are a safe and supportive place for you!

my kind thoughts

Paul

[Croix]

Dear Mummacarebear555~

You may be right, he may be a narcissist, I don't know enough to give people labels, that takes a professional, 1800RESPECT or a doctor and so on. All I can go on is behavior patterns, and your husband's is not good for you, not in the slightest. The fact he has not physically abused you is beside the point, any abuse, to you or the kids is too much.Then putting on a good face for everyone else can be typical.

I'm very pleased you have somewhere to go where you will be supported, and that you are under medical care -that's great!

He may be must going though the motions, appearing to seek therapy and help, or not. I've no way of knowing any more than you. I guess time will tell. One of the indicators may be if he continues permanently with his financial provision.

Can you say what the next move is, have you moved in with your parents as yet?

Do you think in time, wiht oyur parents support, you can return to being a professional, even if part time?

Croix