Finally seeing the truth about my mum

[prettylost1]

For 30 years I believed something was severely wrong with me. I spent my life chasing my mum’s approval and love, pushing myself until I completely burned out. This year everything collapsed, and I realised that the reason I’ve been so miserable for so long is because my mum has abused me for most of my life. She made me believe, in the cruellest ways, that I wasn’t worthy of love or of life at all.

Whenever things got slightly tough for me, she would walk away from her role as a mum, sometimes even saying it out loud, showing no empathy, never checking in, and never apologising. Earlier this year things came to a breaking point for me, and honestly, I don’t understand how I couldn’t see this earlier?

During a visit, which turned into an absolute nightmare, she became very aggressive and abusive toward me at the dinner table. Other people were there, and for no real reason, in my opinion, she started screaming at me the moment I sat down. Her reason was that I had held the map too long at a zoo we visited. There was only one map, but no one had asked for it, and I had even asked if anyone else wanted it. Her anger escalated so quickly, from the map to saying the cruellest things, that I was left in shock. When I started crying and shaking from fear, she seemed to get a thrill out of it. She even mocked me by imitating the sound of my crying...My husband stepped in to intervene, but she couldn’t understand that she had done anything wrong... the whole experience was a nightmare.

The next day she deleted me from all social media, packed her things, and left, just like that. I thought I was going to die of a broken heart. That was the moment I finally saw the truth. This had happened before, many times. She has no empathy, no sense of responsibility, and truly sees me as the devil. She even told others in my family that I couldn’t be trusted, saying she had travelled so far to visit me and that this was how I treated her. She has never apologised or acknowledged the pain she caused and spent months sending me hate-filled messages, which I eventually stopped reading.

Since then I have gone no contact for now and started therapy. I had to stop working for a while because I was barely sleeping, but therapy is helping a lot and I am finally sleeping again. I feel emotionally drained, exhausted, and lost. I’m trying to rediscover who I am, one small step at a time, but I’m heartbroken that my mum won’t apologise or even try to repair our relationship.

It’s hard, especially since my dad passed away when I was young, and it often feels like I’m on my own. I do have a supportive husband, and I’m safe now. I was recently diagnosed with C-PTSD and am slowly finding my way back to myself..

Has anyone else been through something like this and would like to briefly share their story? I feel so alone in this sometimes. People mean well, but unless they have experienced it, they just don’t seem to understand. My husband has seen her behaviour first-hand, so he understands some of it, but it is still hard for others to truly relate.

[Croix]

Dear Prettylost1~

I'd like to give you a warm welcome here at the Forum, I'm glad you came as you have had such a heart-breaking life. I'm also glad you have a supportive partner, that makes huge difference as I found out myself.

Without going into details my parents were toxic, however as a young person I did not realize that and provided I did what they wanted things were tolerable. Frankly I often though the problem was me.

The problems came to a peak when I went against their wishes and not only was abused but then was formally disinherited - lawyers and the lot. It was at that point that I realised that  my assumption I'd had as a kid that I was loved was not true, no parent would behave like them.

At the time I had a good friend, who later became my partner, and it was her support that  made an enormous difference and bolstered my self esteem, pointing out I was not at fault.

It did not stop my parents bad mouthing me to others which they did for the rest of their lives. Fortunately I started to move in different circles and these insults became less and less important.

I guess there are two thngs I want to say to you, the first being I hope that your psych can persuade you over time not only do you deserved respect and consideration -as does ever child - but denying you that is a great misuse of parental power, unfortunate as parent have a disproportionate amout of influence. Cruelty as you point out and possibly enjoyment was what they did.

Mine did do me one favor. They became an example of how not to be a parent, and by dong the opposite to them, being even tempered, using kind words and encouragement and never exhibiting anything but love I believe a have become a better parent.

I never had anything to do with them (until just before the last of them passed away) and this helped me immensely. I'd suggest that this might be the best path for you too.

You know you will always be welcome here

Croix

[Rach28]

hey there. i know what you mean toxic narcissistic mother. I have one and i hate her guts. Please know its okay to hate her and shut her out from your life. Its okay to push her away and choose a life for yourself. Its yours and she cant do anything or stop you. I hope and pray you find support to discuss this toxic relationship and find closure. Its a long road but its possible. Please know its okay to be the black sheep in the family. Sometimes the black sheep is labelled a liar, victim and worse. At the end of the day -we decide what labels are put on us. I hope and pray you find peace and safety. 

[sbella02]

Prettylost1,

Thank you for sharing your story with us, and I'd like to extend a warm welcome to the forums. Goodness, I am so sorry that you've gone through this. What a challenging realisation to come to. Of course this would be difficult to deal with, you've suffered such a huge betrayal from a force that has undoubtedly been present with you for a significant portion of your life, if not your whole life. 

First of all, it's absolutely not your fault, and you are absolutely worthy of love. Unfortunately, people who have been damaged themselves will sometimes transfer that damage to other people in cruel ways. Regardless of why she felt the need to treat you this way, that kind of treatment is never justified. I'm also glad to hear that your husband is very supportive.

Are you interested in reading at all? There's a book that I read a while ago entitled "I'm Glad my Mom Died" by Jennette McCurdy, which stepped through the author's experience of abuse at the hands of her mother, where her desire for her mother's affection and approval masked her ability to identify that she was being maltreated. She gives some really interesting insight into that push-and-pull phenomenon that keeps you wanting to be seen by somebody who is continually treating you poorly. 

Thank you again for sharing your experience with us, and I wish you all the best. Please keep chatting with us if you wish to, we're here to listen and support you.

All the best, SB

[prettylost1]

Hi Croix,

Thanks so much for your kind words, and sorry for my very late response. It’s been a few months since I wrote my post, and it’s been a big journey, still ongoing. Mum still hasn’t reached out, but therapy has helped a lot, even though healing is definitely not a straight line. Most days are really tough, and I often feel exhausted. 

It feels like I’m looking at my childhood and past life with a completely different set of eyes now, which can be very daunting. I can’t understand how I was so blind before, but now that I’m aware of things, everything I felt before feels real, and instead of suppressing it, I’m bringing it all to the surface to face it, once and for all.

If you feel comfortable, I’d really appreciate hearing more about your healing journey. How did you get through your toughest time, when you realised the reality of your parents? I know healing is never linear, and can still be painful, so only share what you feel able to. Thank you again. 

[prettylost1]

Hi Rach28,

Thank you so much for your kind and encouraging words. It’s been a very tough year, and sometimes I still can’t believe what I’ve discovered. Hearing from someone who understands what it’s like to have a toxic parent is really comforting. It helps to be reminded that it’s okay to protect myself and choose a life that feels safe and healthy, something that has become my lifelong aim.

I really appreciate your prayers, it means a lot and give me hope that finding peace is possible, even if it’s a long journey. Thank you again.

[prettylost1]

Hi SB,

A bit of a delayed response, but thank you so much for your kind words. I truly appreciated it. 
I’m somewhat glad the year has come to an end, it’s been a big rollercoaster. As I mentioned in a reply to another kind soul, I’m looking at my past life and childhood with a completely different set of eyes now. A lot of things that were suppressed are finally coming to the surface through therapy. At times, I wonder how a single human being can go through so much trauma and still have the energy to keep going?!

I’m far from recovered, but I’ve made a start. It’s a bit of trial and error, and I know healing will take a long time. One thing I do know is that I never want to go back to being that sad, scared, and confused person. My lifelong aim is just to stay out of that cycle, out of the abuse.

Thank you for the book advice. I haven’t read it yet, but I’ll add it to my list. I recently finished my therapist’s recommendation, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C. Gibson, which was very insightful. I’m now reading The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk, I’m only a few chapters in, so I can’t really say what I think of it yet, but it’s been helpful so far. Reading books has been a really good tool for me. Thank you again.