I'm turning 40 this year and have been seeing my psychologist, R, for
around 10 years, starting shortly after a BPD diagnosis. When I began
therapy, I was often in crisis, struggling with self-harm and substance
use, and had several hospitalisations....
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I'm turning 40 this year and have been seeing my psychologist, R, for
around 10 years, starting shortly after a BPD diagnosis. When I began
therapy, I was often in crisis, struggling with self-harm and substance
use, and had several hospitalisations. Over time I made significant
progress: my last hospitalisation was 5 years ago, I'm now married, have
moved cities, and work in a senior role. A turning point was being
diagnosed with ADHD at 35 and starting treatment, which helped me
understand myself in a new way. This possibility hadn’t been raised by
R, who questioned the diagnosis. Not long after, my psychiatrist revised
my diagnosis from BPD to CPTSD. I'm stable now, but some long-standing
patterns haven’t shifted. I'm hypervigilant in all relationships,
constantly monitoring myself and others, and struggle to trust that
situations - or my own reactions - are "ok" without reassurance. I take
on too much responsibility for other people's feelings, and when I feel
hurt or angry, I tend to turn it inward as guilt or shame. These issues
have persisted over the last few years, no matter how much R and I
talked about them. After a lot of reflection, I emailed R to say our
next session would be my last. I explained that I wanted to try EMDR,
which my psychiatrist had recommended a year earlier, and that I thought
letting her know in advance would allow us to talk it through properly.
I expressed gratitude for the help she’d given me. During the session, I
explained why I'd decided to end therapy. R suggested that emailing
ahead reflected avoidance of emotional situations, implied I’d tried to
make the ending "neat and tidy" for myself, and asked why I hadn't
raised my concerns about progress earlier. She also suggested I hadn't
considered her emotional response. I said that it didn’t occur to me to
suggest another approach because I saw that as the clinician's role, and
that blurred boundaries are really distressing for me as I rely on them
to act "correctly". I felt intense guilt, like I'd done something very
wrong. R then described feeling like "my mum" and emphasised the
emotional significance of our relationship. By the end, I was distraught
and apologising repeatedly. She reframed the situation as neither right
nor wrong and encouraged me to keep on for a few more sessions "to
honour our therapy". I left feeling devastated. I feel like R used my
weaknesses against me, but I feel so unsure. I don't want to go back,
but I feel pressured to return. Thoughts?
PTSD for Medical and First Responders
