Feeling incapable of solo parenting

[Anzee]

Has anyone experienced huge fear you’re not capable of looking after your kids on your own if you leave your abusive partner?
We left my two daughters’ dad in January after my psych finally convinced me to make contact with a domestic violence service. I didn’t know he was abusive. He’d been physical in the past but it was only a few times so I brushed it off. It’s mainly been sexual and emotional abuse. He used to yell and swear at the kids, which is why I left in the end! I knew it wasn’t right and I didn’t want them to think it was ok.
Once we left, we were put in crisis accommodation and I had a risk assessment done which resulted in child protection being involved. They put restrictions in place which meant he was only allowed supervised visits and during those few months I barely spoke to him. I realised later I didn’t have a panic attack in that time. Fast forward a few months and we were on the verge of becoming homeless (the girls and I) so I let him buy a house under his name (when we went to buy a house I found out all of our accounts were under his name only, even my inheritance) my professional supports tried to talk me out of going back to/ live with him so they put us in crisis accommodation again while we waited for a unit and get our name on a list for a refuge. We were in a dark and dingy motel 40 minutes from home and I didn’t cope well! I couldn’t fight anymore. I felt so weak and so scared but was trying to be strong for my girls but I just couldn’t so we went back to my mums which was also toxic and now we’re here in our new house and he has been pretty good, still not great but I am so turned off by my previous experiences of getting out and going into the system. I feel completely incapable of looking after our daughters on my own, even though I did it for months. I just feel like now he’s back in our life I can’t do it on my own anymore. I feel like I need him for everything. I need someone else to be responsible for our daughters even if that doesn’t involve actually doing anything for them, just knowing I’m not solely responsible takes enough presssure off me to cope. I don’t feel like my mental health will survive me being on my own again. Has anyone else had a similar experience? And did you manage to overcome those fears?
I cut off all of my professional supports because they kept voicing concern about our safety with him and it was stopping me from comfortably living with him, but I’ve re-engaged with my psychologist.

[Anzee]

Third attempt at emergency accommodation to get into a refuge, let’s hope I last longer than 3 days this time 😏

[Sophie_M]

Hey Anzee,
Welcome back to the forums tonight, 

We're sorry to hear you're having to access emergency accommodation again, it sounds as though you might be in a very difficult situation. If you feel comfortable, would you mind sharing with us a bit more about what's been going at home? 

Are you aware of the 1800Respect Support service? if you feel you'd like to speak with someone immediately about your situation you might like to get in touch with one of the 1800Respect counsellors. They offer confidential information, counselling and support 24/7 for people impacted by sexual assault, domestic or family violence and abuse. The lovely supportive counsellors have a lot of experience offering advice to people in your situation. You can contact them on 1800 737 732 or https://www.1800respect.org.au/ 

We hope to hear more from you soon, 

[Anzee]

Hi Sophie,

I felt like things weren’t too bad at home but my new therapist and DV worker have been saying for months he’s escalating and we need to get out. He has been yelling at the kids a lot again which I didn’t like but I’d pull him up and I thought it was ok. I have been in a very deep hole of depression though, just not wanting to do anything fun, hiding in my room and just feeling really stuck and flat.

A friend came over on the weekend and told me it was time to go and that she’d make an anonymous report if she had to. She said he was just getting angrier and she could see how much the 9yo and I were struggling with our mental health and the 5yo has gone back to frequent meltdowns where she kicks and punches the walls and just screams flat out for up to 45 minutes so her and their dad would scream back at each other and the 9yo would hide in her room crying. So I talked to my therapist on Monday about all of my fears with leaving and going to refuge and she told me it will be hard but she reassured me that I’m going to have a lot of support and contact this time.

Were 3 hours away from home this time so that’s making things even harder and I keep feeling like I need to go home but so far we’re still here..

[Croix]

Dear Anzee~

If I underhand correctly you and you kids are now away in a refuge, please let me know if I've read it wrong.

OK, in that case I guess you have two major battles to deal wiht . The first and obvious one being not going back. It's amazingly difficult to do this, the mind tries to say it can be better, or thatthings were not so bad, or any one of a great number of things.

The other battle is to change your kid's lives. You have given a really heartrending account of your 5yo melting down, screaming and punching the walls, all the time her state being made worse, her security shattered by being screamed at in turn. A spiral down into extreme distress with no sign of comfort and love. Your 9yo hiding and crying.

OK, you may be able to calm him down a little at times, but for your kids that threat is there all the time and they are waiting for it to happen, a lifetime of fright.

So it is going to take a lot of time, all your love and no threat on the horizon for them to regain some of their trust in life.

You do not have to do this solo without advice, you have your therapist, and your friend, both of whom sound pretty sensible. You also have 1800RESPECT as well if you wish, as Sophie has said. They are experienced and can be realistic..

There will be others too.

It was terribly hard to leave that so called 'home', but you did that. Please have faith in your ability to get though this too.

We are here as well when you want

Croix

[Anzee]

We’re in emergency accommodation at the moment until there is a space in refuge. Our DV worker was keen to get us as far away as I’d go though.

I spoke to him today through messenger and I already feel drawn to him again. I felt guilt that we were happy without him here and now I’m feeling pretty unsure what I’m going to do.

we will stay here as the kids are having a great time and have already made some friends and it is nice to have a break. But I’m not sure how I feel about refuge anymore.

[Croix]

Dear Anzee ~

It is never straightforward, staying or going. Have you any idea why you feel guilty at being happy? I would think you - and the kids - deserve a fair bit of happiness right now.

It's all very well for DV workers and others to say what to do, they may be right -dunno, however the decision has to come from you. I would mention that many people change their minds a fair number of times in similar circumstances, go and return, go and return and so on. It's only natural.

Eventually circumstances, the kids' welfare or your own feelings will lead the way. You have support here no matter what.

At least the kids are having a good time at the moment, do they seem seem and happier right now or do they miss your partner and the life you had been living?

Please let us know how you get on

Croix