Feeling incapable of solo parenting

[Anzee]

Has anyone experienced huge fear you’re not capable of looking after your kids on your own if you leave your abusive partner?
We left my two daughters’ dad in January after my psych finally convinced me to make contact with a domestic violence service. I didn’t know he was abusive. He’d been physical in the past but it was only a few times so I brushed it off. It’s mainly been sexual and emotional abuse. He used to yell and swear at the kids, which is why I left in the end! I knew it wasn’t right and I didn’t want them to think it was ok.
Once we left, we were put in crisis accommodation and I had a risk assessment done which resulted in child protection being involved. They put restrictions in place which meant he was only allowed supervised visits and during those few months I barely spoke to him. I realised later I didn’t have a panic attack in that time. Fast forward a few months and we were on the verge of becoming homeless (the girls and I) so I let him buy a house under his name (when we went to buy a house I found out all of our accounts were under his name only, even my inheritance) my professional supports tried to talk me out of going back to/ live with him so they put us in crisis accommodation again while we waited for a unit and get our name on a list for a refuge. We were in a dark and dingy motel 40 minutes from home and I didn’t cope well! I couldn’t fight anymore. I felt so weak and so scared but was trying to be strong for my girls but I just couldn’t so we went back to my mums which was also toxic and now we’re here in our new house and he has been pretty good, still not great but I am so turned off by my previous experiences of getting out and going into the system. I feel completely incapable of looking after our daughters on my own, even though I did it for months. I just feel like now he’s back in our life I can’t do it on my own anymore. I feel like I need him for everything. I need someone else to be responsible for our daughters even if that doesn’t involve actually doing anything for them, just knowing I’m not solely responsible takes enough presssure off me to cope. I don’t feel like my mental health will survive me being on my own again. Has anyone else had a similar experience? And did you manage to overcome those fears?
I cut off all of my professional supports because they kept voicing concern about our safety with him and it was stopping me from comfortably living with him, but I’ve re-engaged with my psychologist.

[Mk2692]

Hi Anzee,

I think it might be a good idea to discuss your concerns with the psychologist, if you are comfortable to tell her about your feelings of attachment. I know you might be anxious the first time you meet your psychologist, but it's best to be yourself and open up to her. I'm sure she will help you feel more welcome and comfortable and you will be able to talk to her. For me I prefer to be as honest as possible because that means I can get all the benefits i'm looking for in the session, but also so the psychologist can help me and guide me through my challenges. I usually look to a psychologist as a mentor to help me through a difficult time, they might give me helpful tips and some guidance however, not everything they say would suit me as well, i know myself best. I know my psychologist is there for me now, but i know when he is not there i need to be able to look within myself to help myself out of difficult situations. So think of your psychologist as maybe a teacher at school, each year at school you have a new teacher and yes you may miss your old teacher because you got used to her, but also there will be new teachers to teach you new things and you will get used to her too, but also there will be many more. Hope that helps.

[Anzee]

Thanks Mk,

unfortunately I don’t think it’s as simple as that for me. I have been conditioned and have responded to a life of trauma in many unhealthy ways and although I know they’re unhealthy/ not helpful I have spent at least 25 years using these coping strategies to get me through all the abuse and trauma I’ve experienced. As much as I would love to be able to talk myself out of these feelings and fears, I have minimal self esteem, most of my coping and conditioning involves the strong need to be liked and accepted by others so I use people pleasing as a way to try and stop people from rejecting me, I give up any of my own needs to serve someone else’s, I have been that way for as long as I can remember. So although under normal circumstances when someone may be afraid of not being liked or approved of, in my mind it is one of the worst things that could happen to me. I do anything I can (especially staying quiet) to avoid conflict or dislike. And although I know logically that a psychologist is only there on a professional level to help me get through hurdles and teach me healthier coping strategies, I’m so not used to ANYONE showing me that much respect and compassion and I have a lot of core attachment issues from the traumas I have suffered and not been believed etc that when someone shows me those things I automatically cling to them because it is the most stable and safe relationship I’ve ever had and as much as I hate it, my brain automatically goes into people pleasing mode so I do and say anything I can to get that positive attention from someone. Not sure if any of this makes sense, I’m just on a bit of rant but bottom line is I don’t think I can just change my personality/ coping skills because I know logically they’re not helpful. They’re so ingrained into my core that nothing can override them.

I do appreciate your support and advice though :))

[Croix]

Dear Anzee~

You have a pretty clear knowledge of both yourself and your circumstances. That's a plus, even if you feel badly about yourself as a result.

25 years being taught to please others is no small thing and I'd imagine it is not going to be something you can radically change just becuse you know logically it's bad. -That's OK. There is no judgment or blame there.

It is important that clarity and knowledge is not driven away though. May I suggest that the one person in the whole world you do not try to please is your psych (old or new)? This will be hard as the desire to say what's expected, show"improvement" and generally behave like a model patient being 'cured' will I expect be ingrained into you.

If you manage that -and you may slip back and have to make up ground at times - then you will have made a great accomplishment - plus given your psych a true idea of what you are facing in your life and how you cope.

For a psych to say "change" may seem easy to some of them, but most will know that may not be true and look for smaller gains within your grasp. They do have to know the truth though to judge what to suggest.

As for the worry you have into slipping back into ways where you will be abused, maybe that is your needing to please taking over, and it seems you have no choice.

There is more to you than you realise, as many here have found there can be hope.

Croix

[Anzee]

So I’m another turn of events, the new psychologist I had connected with spoke to my previous psychologist for a handover yesterday and then emailed me saying unfortunately she doesn’t feel like she’s the right fit for me….

I give up….. The rejection felt so strong as it had already been recently triggered.

[Croix]

Dear Anzee~

Well, I guess the news is mixed, emotionally you may well feel rejected and someone that can't be helped -that's simply wrong, of course you can!

The good news is that particular psych may be excellent in some areas but knows her limits. I wish everyone did, it save time, expense, cross purposes and general problems for both.

Please keep plugging away until you find a good fit. I've been lucky on my psychiatrists, they have been exactly right, psychologists have been a mixed bag, GP's excellent for many years.

Please do not be discouraged, if you own a Ford motorcar a Renault dealer probably can't help, same with psychologists' specialties,

Croix

[Anzee]

I’m having triggers again when it comes to sex, but I want to feel loved so I let my partner do it, then I end up crying, struggling to get to sleep and having intense nightmares , then I’m so anxious and shaky. But I try again hoping it will be different and keep telling myself the more I do it the easier it will get.

I think the problem is when I first started getting triggers, and he used to force me to do it physically and emotionally, he’d shower me with love afterwards. So I feel like I’m trying to replay all of these situations that I know he would show me love and affection afterwards. He was confronted a few weeks ago and told he’s no longer allowed to be physical with me even if he’s just playing around so that was one form of affection lost and now I feel like all I have left is sex but he’s not showering me with love afterwards like he used to so I want him to start hurting and forcing me again to see if that brings back his love back. But he has been warned about the physical stuff so I’m too scared to give him permission again because I don’t want him to get into trouble.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Anzee,

Thank you for updating us here. It sounds like you’re dealing with a lot. We’re reaching out to you offline to offer some support.

Please remember the lovely people at 1800 Respect (on 1800 737 732 or on webchat here) are available 24 hours a day for anytime you feel like talking this through. Their counsellors understand that everyone's situation is different and can support you no matter what you decide to do.

The Beyond Blue helpline is here for you as well, on 1300 22 4636, or on webchat here.
It’s really good that you could share here. As the conversation above shows, this is a truly supportive, safe and non-judgmental space.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[Guest9337]

Hello Anzee,

I hear your suffering about lack of intimacy, thank you for sharing. What are the ways that your partner could support you?

[Anzee]

My triggers have been less intense so I’ve been able to be intimate more often. Still not getting the love I used to from him after but it’s not too bad.

[Anzee]

The eldest had her first day at school in months today, and the youngest is at kinder. I knew it was going to bring up a lot of reflection as it’s the first day I’ve been alone for a very long time so I have been trying to distract myself, but I just feel so alone.
I went and met a therapist on Saturday and she told me that I am at very high risk in my relationship, it was hard to hear and pretty triggering, but I did what I do best and told myself I don’t believe her and it’s not true, so I felt ok. We also did a family tree and talked about the fact that I have lost the support of almost all of our family and friends because of the separation and how it was a tactic of my partners to isolate me and paint me as the crazy one and paint himself as the loving man who is so patient for putting up with me. I’ve heard this before and again I’m pretty good at denying them but when I actually think about it, I really don’t have support. I have 2 friends, 1 has a very busy life of her own so I feel super guilty asking her for support and the other really doesn’t think I should be with him, so it’s hard to talk to her.
now that I’ve had a chance to think and process that session, I am struggling so much to accept that I have lost the support of my family which I would never have imagined happening. my family had always had this amazing reputation of being so loving, caring and supportive. I’ve spent my whole life being told how lucky I am to have them, but it also came up in the session that they’ve already cut off two siblings, threatening the reputation and those siblings were made out to be the bad seeds and the outcasts and I can’t help but feel like that’s now me. We talked about how much I doubt my memories from my childhood abuse because my mum denies that things were how I remembered and the therapist pointed out that it’s probably not best to trust what my family say because they have made it clear they don’t agree with me leaving a violent partner (some of them still refuse to believe he was/ is violent) she said I really need to start trusting myself even though I have spent my life having my experiences minimised and denied. part of me just wants to pretend the whole thing was a big misunderstanding and play happy families, but I want my girls to have a different life. I feel like my options are; play happy families and have family and friends support me, or try to build a better, healthier life for my girls, lose that support and do it alone.