Feeling incapable of solo parenting

[Anzee]

Has anyone experienced huge fear you’re not capable of looking after your kids on your own if you leave your abusive partner?
We left my two daughters’ dad in January after my psych finally convinced me to make contact with a domestic violence service. I didn’t know he was abusive. He’d been physical in the past but it was only a few times so I brushed it off. It’s mainly been sexual and emotional abuse. He used to yell and swear at the kids, which is why I left in the end! I knew it wasn’t right and I didn’t want them to think it was ok.
Once we left, we were put in crisis accommodation and I had a risk assessment done which resulted in child protection being involved. They put restrictions in place which meant he was only allowed supervised visits and during those few months I barely spoke to him. I realised later I didn’t have a panic attack in that time. Fast forward a few months and we were on the verge of becoming homeless (the girls and I) so I let him buy a house under his name (when we went to buy a house I found out all of our accounts were under his name only, even my inheritance) my professional supports tried to talk me out of going back to/ live with him so they put us in crisis accommodation again while we waited for a unit and get our name on a list for a refuge. We were in a dark and dingy motel 40 minutes from home and I didn’t cope well! I couldn’t fight anymore. I felt so weak and so scared but was trying to be strong for my girls but I just couldn’t so we went back to my mums which was also toxic and now we’re here in our new house and he has been pretty good, still not great but I am so turned off by my previous experiences of getting out and going into the system. I feel completely incapable of looking after our daughters on my own, even though I did it for months. I just feel like now he’s back in our life I can’t do it on my own anymore. I feel like I need him for everything. I need someone else to be responsible for our daughters even if that doesn’t involve actually doing anything for them, just knowing I’m not solely responsible takes enough presssure off me to cope. I don’t feel like my mental health will survive me being on my own again. Has anyone else had a similar experience? And did you manage to overcome those fears?
I cut off all of my professional supports because they kept voicing concern about our safety with him and it was stopping me from comfortably living with him, but I’ve re-engaged with my psychologist.

[Guest9337]

Hi Anzee, thx for your reply, I can see why you reply in your way today.

That single friend (and a few others) you have, would you/they benefit from another communication line with them?

The family who do not know what DV is, in all its forms. Share them the 1800respect links about DV and emotional abuse, psychological abuse, verbal abuse and all the other abuses, they are unaware of. Education is highly valuable in the DV field.

No need to be in their faces with this, just a few direct links to the exact things you think they should know.

[Anzee]

I don’t know if I’m just sitting back in my denial bubble, but I feel like none of it’s real! I’m back to feeling really ok about being with him and feeling safe.
Even though he’s admitted to most of it, I’m still telling myself it was all exaggerated and it wasn’t really abuse.
Im even feeling somewhat relieved that my psych is leaving me because I feel like that makes up my mind for me. She was the only one who made me even remotely feel like I could leave him, so without her I’m not even considering it. I feel like I’ve just spent/ wasted the last 8 or so months just going back and forth, in and out of my denial bubble amd not making any progress. Now at least I feel like I can give up on that.

[Anzee]

Hey dng,

I gave a sister the website’s for 1800respect and asked my mum if she would talk to my centre for non violence worker if she called but she said nope because it wouldn’t change her mind

[Guest9337]

A person who dismisses such important information about DV without even looking at it, nor hearing it, is not a person I would hang around with very often.

I might even reduce frequency and duration of contact, and increase geo distance from such a person to facilitate avoiding that persons intractable attitude about DV.

[Guest9337]

The other option that comes to mind is for the centre for non violence worker to make the call any ways and just say good day to open lines of communication between those two people.

Such olive branches have worked in the past in many different cultures and historical situations.

Some call it a third party, some a "back door to talking", some a mediator.

U follow Anzee? If your words are not being heard, I advise you to get other appropriate people to say the important words as well, perhaps most of all to those who already have "firm minds".

[Anzee]

I am struggling harwoth my psych leaving still. My abandonment issues have been highly triggered and I’ve convinced myself she’s leaving because of me because I was too much work and became too attached and dependent on her so I’ve already cut her off and we’re having our final session next week and even that I’m feeling uncomfortable and anxious about. I even spent our last session questioning if she believed what I had said about him and even though she said she did I begged her to tell me she didn’t believe me and that I’d made it all up just so I could let her go and pretend none of it ever happened and move on. Obviously she refused, but that also put a massive wall up for me because I was so desperate to block it all out and felt like her agreeing that I’d made it up was what I needed to do that, I decided she wasn’t helping me and still kept telling myself she didn’t actually believe me. I’m too scared to trust anyone else because I’m so scared of this happening again so I’ve resorted back to my denial.m, but I keep coming out of it in panic so I know I need to do something about it and find someone else to continue therapy with but I just want a break. Because the other half has been supportive and helpful since she told me she was leaving, I’ve managed to forget all the stuff that was happening in our relationship before this news, and I am just clinging to him so I don’t end up alone. But it’s all the other trauma I’m exposed to her that I’m struggling, my secret life I didn’t tell people about is now out in the open and I feel like I’ve been abandoned with no time to pack it away so it’s just making my anxiety and panic worse and I just keep wishing I never told her any of it because now I feel like I’ve been left alone to pick up all the pieces.

[Guest9337]

The wall put up can be torn down.

Refusal to do something wrong, is a strength to be commended.

Telling oneself things repeatedly is one form of rumination.

Denial empowers and encourages the very thing we seek to deny.

Denial is itself an effort that is energy sapping, thus denying truth takes energy away from other truths.

In the fearful spaces we are able to become our most courageous ideal being.

Helpful other halves is super valuable, be grateful for others contributions, even if the only contribution is for your consideration of their words and not accepting them as your own, but accepting them as the others.

Trauma exposes struggles, normal living itself will be a challenge during periods of memory of trauma.

Secrets build weight, speak up about your stuff politely and often, even to strangers, even to friends, or family, or allies, or enemies, speak up and be heard for it will show others your fears and how they can build your existing courage.

If wishes was horses, we'd all be eating steak.

You can pick up the pieces and reshape them however you want / need / desire, you will become a new person, even more courageous, even more expressive, even more healthy and well.

Give the peace of confrontation a chance to become comfortable.

panlove david.

[Anzee]

So I have found a new psychologist who can take me on almost immediately, but I am so scared of attach myself to her like I did my last psychologist. I’m so scared of becoming too dependent on her. Does anyone have any tips on how to talk to/ start a relationship with a new psychologist when you’re not used to people being kind and compassionate so when someone is you attach yourself.. I’ve spoken to her via email and she sounds very similar to my previous psychologist so that worries me even more haha

[Croix]

Dear Anzee~

Any psychologist worth their salt will be kind and compassionate, seeing you as a whole human being, not a mere client. Under those circumstances of course you will come to rely upon them. How could you not as you have become close by talking about things you ordinarily never would?

I'm exactly the same, and if my psych left I'd be left wondering how detailed the hand-over notes were. That's OK though, I've talked about these things before and in the right atmosphere will be able to do so again, inevitably coming to rely upon the new psych the same as the old one -for the same reasons.

It's worth it. My tip, ask what the new psych knows about your life and take it from there

Please do not worry about relying so much at the moment on your abusive partner. You are human, you need the feeling of closeness, and your partner is the only other adult person you have. It does not mean you are ok with what he did, just being alone is so bad.

Croix

[Anzee]

Thanks Croix,

so my partner was actually confronted by his program workers on Wednesday night after I’d disclosed to my DV worker about some of the things he was doing. He has admitted to it, alnowledged in his class that he has breached his order/ agreement and he has said he will not do the specific thing I was feeling uncomfortable with but didn’t know how to bring it up with him. He apologised and acknowledged it to me after his class Wednesday night too. He has been good again since but now I’m in the craving stage again, wanting him to hurt me again hence why I felt like I probably do need to work through why I want him to continue hurting me with a professional but I do get scared to risk the current peace also.