Feeling incapable of solo parenting

[Anzee]

Has anyone experienced huge fear you’re not capable of looking after your kids on your own if you leave your abusive partner?
We left my two daughters’ dad in January after my psych finally convinced me to make contact with a domestic violence service. I didn’t know he was abusive. He’d been physical in the past but it was only a few times so I brushed it off. It’s mainly been sexual and emotional abuse. He used to yell and swear at the kids, which is why I left in the end! I knew it wasn’t right and I didn’t want them to think it was ok.
Once we left, we were put in crisis accommodation and I had a risk assessment done which resulted in child protection being involved. They put restrictions in place which meant he was only allowed supervised visits and during those few months I barely spoke to him. I realised later I didn’t have a panic attack in that time. Fast forward a few months and we were on the verge of becoming homeless (the girls and I) so I let him buy a house under his name (when we went to buy a house I found out all of our accounts were under his name only, even my inheritance) my professional supports tried to talk me out of going back to/ live with him so they put us in crisis accommodation again while we waited for a unit and get our name on a list for a refuge. We were in a dark and dingy motel 40 minutes from home and I didn’t cope well! I couldn’t fight anymore. I felt so weak and so scared but was trying to be strong for my girls but I just couldn’t so we went back to my mums which was also toxic and now we’re here in our new house and he has been pretty good, still not great but I am so turned off by my previous experiences of getting out and going into the system. I feel completely incapable of looking after our daughters on my own, even though I did it for months. I just feel like now he’s back in our life I can’t do it on my own anymore. I feel like I need him for everything. I need someone else to be responsible for our daughters even if that doesn’t involve actually doing anything for them, just knowing I’m not solely responsible takes enough presssure off me to cope. I don’t feel like my mental health will survive me being on my own again. Has anyone else had a similar experience? And did you manage to overcome those fears?
I cut off all of my professional supports because they kept voicing concern about our safety with him and it was stopping me from comfortably living with him, but I’ve re-engaged with my psychologist.

[Anzee]

My psych told me tonight she’s leaving private practice in October and I haven’t been as scared as I was in a very long time. She has been one of the very little people I have who have been consistent support. She lets me make my own choices and doesn’t tell me I have to leave him or she’ll report him etc. I feel so sad and broken and wish I could take everything I’ve talked to her about back and pretend it wasn’t real.

[Croix]

Dear Anzee~

I guess the first thing to say is that your time with this particular psychologist has not been a waste of time. You have found that under the right circumstances you can tell someone else about your circumstances. You have also found not everyone is harsh or judgmental -and does not try for an easy fix.

On top of that you have been given respect, encouraged to make your own decisions and she has been content to know that whatever your decisions were they were well founded.

She has been considerate in not leaving you in the lurch by simply disappearing and it may well be that between the two of you another like-minded psych can be found to take over.

On a practical note it may be the women's resources you have been though may have suggestions if your current psych does not.

So find a new psych, give him or her a decent trial, then see if the two of you are a good fit, if not you need to look elsewhere. You may find there are more allies in the world than you imagined.

Yes I realise it is frightening as one person you depended on is leaving and trying to change is scary, however you made a good attempt at leaving home, it was only circumstances that let you down. If you have the strenght to do that you can handle this.

Croix

[Anzee]

I feel so scared and alone and exposed. I unpacked my entire life and put it all on the table and now I feel like I have been abandoned which I felt was going to happen the whole time, that’s why I struggle so much to trust people. Now I don’t know what to do with it and how to pack it all away safely, instead of pretending none of its real (what I usually do) and feeling like I’m going to explode! I feel so exposed right now and I’m way to scared to trust someone else at the moment. I feel like I can pack the current stuff away because I have nowhere else to live, he has been so good about this, he has sorted the kids and taken care of them while I cry in bed. But I don’t know what to do with the rest. I feel like I have a whole life of trauma out on the table without enough time to pack it away before I’m on my own. I feel too raw and scared to trust someone else right now. Especially with the trauma I have, it makes me feel naked.

[Sophie_M]

Dear Anzee,

We’re so grateful to have you reach out to our community this morning and are so sorry to hear everything you have going on at the moment. Times like this can definitely get overwhelming . We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you. 

We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
Keep checking back in with us whenever you feel up to it. 
 

[Anzee]

Thanks Sophie_m

i know deep down I’m just catastrophising but I’m finding it really tough. I feel like I’ve just been abandoned and I’m a little bit angry I trusted her as much as I did and am really starting to wish I just kept everything packed away inside, but I’m also aware this is most likely just a stage of the grief I’m feeling and I’m sure next time I talk to her things will be fine and she’ll reassure me that I can trust the next person.

[Croix]

Dear Anzee~

What you are feeling is perfectly reasonable. You have invested time, trust and courage in telling your psych some of the hardest things in your life, and now she is leaving and the relationship the two of you built up is going too.

So who would not feel lost, fearful, even angry and betrayed?- Though I expect you are doing your psych an injustice with that last two.

The prospect of a new person coming straight in and taking over where your psych left off is probably not very realistic. After all, even if you don't feel that way, you are actually in charge.

There is nothing wrong in explaining it takes time to build up a relationship and during the interim you would prefer not everything be put on the table. Interact for a while and see how it goes. If they are simpatico gradually allow those details to be brought out. If not try for someone else

Ideally your departing psych will give you a couple of names, or develop a strategy with you for the hand-over.

This is somethng that happens, please try to remember any psych worth their salt will be familiar with handovers and very mindful of the difficulties this causes persons such as yourself.

Please let us know how you are getting on again soon

Croix

[Anzee]

Hey Croix, I’m actually starting to feel a lot more settled already which is a relief. Even though I froze when my psych told me, I couldn’t talk or respond but I do remember her telling me to feel whatever I need to feel, she told me to feel angry , let down. I told her I wasn’t angry at her but she kept telling me to feel something. I think it just takes me a while until things sink in and when I’m in trauma mode I just can’t take in anything.

I have realised that my main fear is that she was the only professional I had who I could be open, honest and give details about how things are in our relationship, without threatening to report him, and without trying to convince me to leave him. I decided to try and talk to my DV worker and ask if she would be more open to me speaking honestly about what happens in our relationship without reporting him, she grilled me and told me it is impossible for her not to report him because he is abusive, and it’s her duty of care to make sure we are safe. I think she was trying the tough love approach as she was brutal, she told me she has women who are actually leaving their high risk situation that need her support and she doesn’t have the capacity to support someone like me staying and condoning the abuse. I cried a lot because she just kept saying things that made me feel like a terrible person and mum but I know that wasn’t her intention. Anyways I have also talked to a family service who are going to start working with us all soon to help manage our home life and I’ve asked her to organise couples therapy for us. I was an absolute mess when I spoke to her as it was the morning after I’d found out, so she did say we needed to get me a counseler first, but it is looking promising to have those supports in place and I’ll try and talk to my psych next week about the people she has in mind to hand me over to. I think I just freaked out and went worst case scenario and let my anxiety run wild. Who knows where I’m going to be at tomorrow, but at the moment I’m ok 🙂

[Guest9337]

Hi Anzee, who knows where we will be tomorrow indeed, sorrowful or gleeful or flat or whatever...? So many billions of moments of emotional needs.

I'm glad you are ok at the moment, that is good news to me and us all here at bb.

I have today discovered that a microsoft account can provide an app named "family" that does all sorts of interesting things to bring harmony to family life in a digital world. Calendars communal, private spaces to chat in text quietly, video channels to face to face chat when out n about, places for shopping lists and to do lists, and quite a bit more. Maybe you could set all your inner family up with that on pc and devices/phones and open another line of sharing communication that is polite, discrete yet powerful and easy to use and navigate?

Could be a way to incrementally improving your situation. Good luck, let me know what u think/discover/feel outcome. love dng.

[Anzee]

Hey dng,
That is a great idea, except I lost most of our family and friends over the separation. His family obviously took his side, my family are very complicated and there is a long history of severe DV on my mums side so my family struggled to understand that if he wasn’t beating me up how is it DV and they couldn’t understand why I suddenly left, they were sure there had to have been a reason, a major episode that made me leave. And when child protection got involved that’s when everyone disagreed and were on his side because he cried to everyone swearing it was only ever emotional and he didn’t know why child protection were involved. I have one good friend and a couple of friends I still talk to every now and again but that’s it.

[Croix]

Dear Anzee ~

Your psych sounds most sensible, and recognizes you will feel a whole parcel of emotions in time, from anger to loss. That does not mean it happens straight away, it is ok to wait and see how you feel.

Talking over transfer arrangements with her will help.

I'm not sure your DV worker was on the right track, sounded as if frustration was coming though. It's true cases of DFV should be reported, at least to a supervisor. It may not be a good idea at all to seemingly induce you to go down a path you have been down once already and found that the promised resources are limited and come to an end. So what does she really have to offer?

To put it simply, you are not a terible person, simply someone in circumstances that would be very hard for anyone at all, you do what you must. On top of that you need kindness and understanding, not harsh 'tough love' treatment. Your psych is wiser.

I'm glad you have found a family service who seem promising.

Things will not stay the same for ever

Croix