Experiencing immense grief, sadness, loss, loss of hope and angry over family.

[Guest_9043]

Hi,

I am an adult survivor of Childhood abuse and Trauma. I was abused by both parents growing up well into my adult years. I am now 40 years old.

I let go of him (male family member opposite to a mother) I cannot even say the name. I let him go just after I turned 30 years old. I finally realised it was not my fault that my father did not love me. 18 years of my life completely wasted. It took me roughly ten years to deal with the grief, loss and abuse. It was so so so hard. I did not go to counselling. In hindsight maybe I should have but cannot be undone what is now done. I still have some things to work through in regards to him but nowhere near as much as my two remaining family members, her ( again opposite to a father) and my sister. I have made a choice that when he passes away (not that I will find out probably) that I will not be going to his funeral. He did not want me being alive, so really he does not deserve my farewell or respect. I already said goodbye to him. I know there is no chance left nor hope of ever having a relationship. So I have said my goodbyes in my own way. Sometimes it still hurts, like when I am going to do something that any daughter would love to have him with them and I feel sad for a moment. I guess no matter how much work I do there will always be a small part of me that feels a pang of sadness sometimes. I don't acknowledge Fathers day and I don't acknowledge his Birthday. I just get on with things.

5 months ago I left a same sex Domestic Violence relationship.Nobody knew I was in a Domestic Violence Relationship. I still have that to heal and recover from. When my remaining family members found out, I was not even going to tell them, My sister never did a single thing, not one single thing to help me or support me. My mother came to court with me once and I will not say what she did that day, I will just say that after many many many years of severe abuse and trauma from both of them, something inside of me said NO MORE. It was a real strong NO MORE and I meant it which changed my whole world.

So to cut a very long story short, I am currently in a place now where the hope has died. I held hope for a long time. Hope for the family I needed and wanted. I have come to realise neither of them actually want to change and that is why my hope has gone. They don't want therapy and it is all about them. I am in therapy. I don't have any friends so I have no emotional support or people to talk to. It's VERY painful.

[Guest_9043]

Hi MissBentho's

Thank you for sharing. Thanks for supporting my decision to have me time.

All the best to you.

[Aaronsis]

Hi Lee

I am so pleased you are going to take some time tonight/tomorrow to have some self care, that is so important and I can hear how exhausted you are. It is so brave that you are obviously giving your heart and soul to therapy which is so awesome, that you have the support of a wonderful therapist..that is so fantastic.

You have our support and love too Lee, take the time you need to look after you and we are here when you are ready.

Huge hugs

Sarah

[Summer Rose]

Hi 2quik

I'm so thankful for the response you wrote to me. It was heartwarming to hear that joining the forum has been a positive experience for you.

I have been around for a couple of years now and find it to be a kind, caring and non-judgemental community. I have met amazing people, each with a powerful story to tell.

I understand you are needing time to recover from your experience at therapy today. There is no need to respond. Just know that you are cared for and thought about.

Courage x

[Guest_9043]

Hi Sarah,

I am still not in a good place really, I just didn't want to leave response times too long because things build up and then I get anxious. I am happy for you that you found amazing support and connections here on this forum through your time of grief and even now you will still have them. You have a safe place to come to now where you know you will be supported and cared for.

It sure is beyond words seeing a post one day and then seeing a person flourishing the next day. I am usually very wary of these types of sites, with this site I feel completely safe, supported, cared for and just really good. I am so glad I came here. It is such a relief for me to know there is a place I can go to now when I am just having a whatever mood day and know that I will be safe, heard, supported and cared for.

I wish I was able to spend more time here, right now I cant when I am struggling so much and there is so much for me to do everyday to stay on top of things, manage and make sure things get done. Some days I just don't want to, some days I just want to have so much time out that I need, however I cannot always as there is so much needing my time, attention and energy.

Ha ha, I might as well have been born with a pen in my hand ha ha. Me not ever pick up a pen and write, no way. For now, I just am not able too for so many reasons but I am working on getting there. I'm going to cry soon so I am going to move on from this topic.

Your brothers death deserves to be acknowledged. Always. It wasn't just the loss of my friend that stops me from letting anyone get close to me. It was the 34 years of abuse that I lived through, from family members, relationships I have been in, trust being broken over and over and over and over and over again. You get to a point where you just go I can't anymore. I am aware I have problems with trust. This is why, well one of the many reasons I am in therapy. I work damn hard let me tell you. I was so bombed out on Monday that I slept for two hours after my therapy session and it was a hard day. It's a big journey to undertake. Sometimes I feel so angry that those who shall not be named will NOT go to therapy. It's hard to swallow being abused by all three family members and then for them to not want to go sort themselves out, just another big boot.

The only people that know what is going on for me is some folk here and my therapist. No one else.

Thank for loving my profile pic.

Huge hugs to you Sarah.

Lee.

[Guest_9043]

Hi Summer Rose,

You response deserves my response ha ha. Thanks for being understanding. I certainly did need time to recover. I am taking the whole day off tomorrow as I need it. I need time to re assess as so much is changing and I need time to adapt.

Thank you for your reassurance that I am cared for and thought about. You have a beautiful heart and I wish you so many beautiful blessings in your life.

Keep shining. x

[Guest_9043]

A vent and an update.

Since Sunday morning after I sent my "letter email" my whole world got tipped upside down and inside out again. The last three days are a bit of a blur. Words fail me most days. The anger is immense. The support I'm getting is nice. I have broken down in tears twice. Will probably do so again. The thing is my little girl is safe now. I need to tell her this on a daily basis and often. It's hard work being an adult and looking after my little girl. It's teaching me to love myself and yeah it's hard when your whole life has been abuse.

I made the right decision for me to cut contact. I realised finally that my mother just cannot be a mother and I had to break away so I can heal and have a better life. Sounds so simple but it isn't.
The voices and flashbacks of your life are happening at the same time you're trying to make decisions. It's confusing. Some days it's just too hard to make a decision and you have to leave it as it's causing too much distress.

The new doctor I'm seeing today as I have moved has many good reviews so I can at least relax knowing I'm going to be in good hands. Telling people now what I went through, I feel like a little girl in a world full of adults who I'm asking to help protect me. That's hard being an adult knowing that's my little girl. I'm struggling to take care of myself as an adult let alone take care of my little girl. I'm not abandoning her or neglecting her though. She has been through enough of that.

I'm not ready to face therapy. It's not time. I'm realising in myself that it is VERY IMPORTANT to have people listen to what I want and need. Being a survivor of childhood abuse your wants and needs do not matter. Get shown and told that long enough you believe it. I have to totally reverse my childhood. It ain't easy. I get angry often because I resent the people that did this. As an adult I now have to do what I should have been getting as a child.

It's hard, it's sad. We are taught later in life that we are responsible for ourselves. Telling a survivor of childhood abuse that can be confusing. Sometimes it doesn't make sense. I was responsible for myself as a child because I had to be. Anyway these are just some of my ramblings and an update.

[MissBenthos]

Hi 2quik,

I am here with you. All of your emotions are valid. I actually admire your strength in getting to this point.

Much love to you 🙂

[Guest_9043]

Hi MissBenthos

Thank you for popping in. I'm not sure what to say. All I can say is thank you. I'm hoping this doctors appt will help. Right now I'm in it. I guess maybe people hear my strength in here. I don't have any left. I truly don't. I'm completely spent on every single level.

Thanks for the love.