Experiencing immense grief, sadness, loss, loss of hope and angry over family.

[Guest_9043]

Hi,

I am an adult survivor of Childhood abuse and Trauma. I was abused by both parents growing up well into my adult years. I am now 40 years old.

I let go of him (male family member opposite to a mother) I cannot even say the name. I let him go just after I turned 30 years old. I finally realised it was not my fault that my father did not love me. 18 years of my life completely wasted. It took me roughly ten years to deal with the grief, loss and abuse. It was so so so hard. I did not go to counselling. In hindsight maybe I should have but cannot be undone what is now done. I still have some things to work through in regards to him but nowhere near as much as my two remaining family members, her ( again opposite to a father) and my sister. I have made a choice that when he passes away (not that I will find out probably) that I will not be going to his funeral. He did not want me being alive, so really he does not deserve my farewell or respect. I already said goodbye to him. I know there is no chance left nor hope of ever having a relationship. So I have said my goodbyes in my own way. Sometimes it still hurts, like when I am going to do something that any daughter would love to have him with them and I feel sad for a moment. I guess no matter how much work I do there will always be a small part of me that feels a pang of sadness sometimes. I don't acknowledge Fathers day and I don't acknowledge his Birthday. I just get on with things.

5 months ago I left a same sex Domestic Violence relationship.Nobody knew I was in a Domestic Violence Relationship. I still have that to heal and recover from. When my remaining family members found out, I was not even going to tell them, My sister never did a single thing, not one single thing to help me or support me. My mother came to court with me once and I will not say what she did that day, I will just say that after many many many years of severe abuse and trauma from both of them, something inside of me said NO MORE. It was a real strong NO MORE and I meant it which changed my whole world.

So to cut a very long story short, I am currently in a place now where the hope has died. I held hope for a long time. Hope for the family I needed and wanted. I have come to realise neither of them actually want to change and that is why my hope has gone. They don't want therapy and it is all about them. I am in therapy. I don't have any friends so I have no emotional support or people to talk to. It's VERY painful.

[Guest_9043]

Hi Sarah,

That is such a beautiful name. I have admired that name for a long time. I also want to thank you for warm, comforting and uplifting words. I am not sure of what you have been through, however I am sure you have been through some things to feel inspired and feel a good sense of hope slowly being restored. I also feel I have had much more than a fair share of what anyone can possibly even survive. Not often, only when I manage to remember, I think of a guy named Dave Pelzer. He has got me through some very very hard times where I truly did not want to be here anymore. I wont go into detail but you can google him to find out more about him.

You are full of spirited words that are healing. Words do carry their own vibration. You are right I was not living at all, I was just existing and functioning. Yes very true 40 years old and all of this has happened. I cannot let this go on anymore. I know I really have reached my limit now. It's hard work trying to create a better life for me, I imagine as time goes by it will get easier. Many times I have wanted to take my own life, not because I actually wanted to die, it was the pain and basically just having enough of life. I came very very very close after I left DV. I am still here though.

I am taking a lot of time for me now. I have too. I am worn out and all my time and energy mainly goes into me because I have to do it now. I can choose not too and keep going with my life how it has been, however to keep going like this is not going to work out for me. I have a lot of work to do and I am not sure how long it is going to take me. It's all just so mixed up and confusing still.

I smiled when I said I may write a book one day and you weren't sure why you said it. That is actually my profession, I write. Who knows what is going to happen in regards to that. I am extremely passionate and in love with writing as a career. I could not write at all very much these last 5 months. I went through a stage of a bit of memory loss because the trauma was just too overwhelming and everything that happened in those five months was just too much to deal with alone, so I think perhaps I just was disassociating as there are and were some pieces where I had no recollection at all.

Last but not least, bless your kindness and beautiful posts of support and positive expression. Thank you for giving me some hope and the offer of being there for me. It means a lot.

Hugs

[Summer Rose]

Hi 2quik

I understand your anger and your pain. I have felt that deep anger too and wanted to scream at the unfairness of life.

A drunk driver left me fighting for life with a broken back and neck when I was 17. Was I angry, you bet. My father then died suddenly when I was 18 and still in recovery. I was so ANGRY at him for leaving, even though this was irrational as he died as a result of a sudden heart attack.

This was the worst period of time in my life. I too went "off the rails" for awhile. Completely lost.

The key to my way back to the light was forgiveness. I had to forgive the other driver. I had to forgive God for taking my father too soon. I had to let go of my anger to move forward with the life that was in front of me.

You have a life in front of you, too. Right now the path is shrouded in fog. I get that. Right now you are at the foot of the mountain and tired. I get that, too. Rest. Talk. Work on recovery. Take time to heal. But when the fog lifts--and it will because it always does--one step at a time you can begin walking forward. That is what we humans do.

Your therapist will guide you. This community will walk with you. You are not alone.

Kind thoughts to you

[Aaronsis]

Hi 2quik

Well there sure does seem to be some sort of uncanny connection in our messages ....you see I have only just finished "A child named it"..so when you mentioned David Pelzer it was an eye opening moment. What a horrific life and horrific is really not close, but there is not a word that describes this man's life. I am about to start The lost boy when I can get the courage to.

Thank you so very much for your kindness around my messages and words to you, my story is not the same as yours in that I have had a pretty "normal" life, the reason that brought me here is that I have just recently lost my 19 year old brother to suicide, so from a totally ignorant person who knew not much about the topic or mental illness to be honest, I have never been so immersed in this space. I just can t have another family go through the pain of losing one of its own, I just cant have another father have to experience getting a phone call as my father did, I just can't have another person die by suicide....while I know I cannot save the world, nor is it my role too, that is too much of a load to bear, however, it is my heart's choice now to come here, to speak from love and pain and to ask people to stay, that they are so very much loved, they are worth it and they do matter. While you are feeling so very much anger and pain from your pre 40's life, let's call it that, there is a new and very intelligent and warm and caring person who I can tell is so very much needed here, and that is you.

I am kind of freaked out that I thought about your writing and it turned out you do that for a job, see you write so very well and so very articulate, or maybe you just have a story that one day will be born onto pages, from others to learn and to understand and to grow from. There is so much power from not being the only one..and unfortenately I feel like there are more people that have lived a life similar to yours that would get so much comfort from your words, that they can treasure and can have as their healing.

Much love to you 2quik, I will be the first to buy your memoirs....

The next 40 years I am actually so very excited for for you, it is like you have now woken to the butterfly who has been in the cocoon....a rebirth.

Hugs

Sarah

[Guest_9043]

Hi Summer Rose,

Firstly, I would like to say I am very sorry that you went through so much pain and heartache at a young age. I can identify with losing a parent although the loss is different for both of us. Loss is loss and grief is grief. You are amazing, strong and so resilient. That is not to take away for what you endured at all, it's just beautiful qualities to have when faced with so much pain and heartache. There is also beauty in pain.

As for forgiveness I am not ready for that yet. Maybe one day, the time is not right to put the pressure of forgiveness on myself. I need to deal with things and the rawness of it all at the moment. Maybe along my journey as I heal forgiveness will find its way into my heart, for now I just cannot find that way amongst my deep pain, heartache, anger and sadness. It's just too much to ask of myself right now. I do not need to forgive God, I am not angry with God. This was not god's doing.

Thank you so much for your kindness and sharing your understanding. Thank you for writing to my posts and responses. I am so glad I decided to come here and join this community. I am also enjoying helping and supporting others in this community.

Kind thoughts your way.

[Guest_9043]

Hi Sarah,

You response made me want to cry because I have so missed "connection". I am actually a bit spun out at the connection in our messages. First you talking about me writing a book and then The Dave Pelzer comment. "Signs" is what I will call it, just exactly what these signs will reveal itself one day. Like you for me it eye opening to. I know you are based in Australia as I have been reading your responses to other posts, suggestions have been made to Australian numbers so I figured you were from Australia. I am in Australia too.

Yes, Dave Pelzers life and story was beyond horrific. I have read all three of the series. I talk about him a bit when people will listen. He is so very very inspiring. I am sorry he endured what he did to become what he is today, it feels bittersweet really. He has taken his story and helped others. I found his story so harrowing and he is a good writer to. A good writer can make you feel like you are right there with them, in it with them and feeling what they were. That is a good writer. I have much respect and admiration for him. I struggle with people who feel sorry for themselves over very very minor things like a broken nail, or they do not have the exact brand of drink they want and so on. I look at them and want to say, you know what get a life. You have it good and until you know suffering you will not know how good you have it. I certainly do not pander to their every minor grievance.

You are welcome. Credit when credit is due. My condolences to you for the loss of your brother Sarah. I am offering you a very warm cyber hug full of love. You are so so strong in what is such a significant loss in life. I cannot image the pain of losing your brother, I cannot say I know how you feel regarding your brother's death and I cannot say I know exactly how you feel because I do not. What I can say is I lost my best friend on November 15th 2014. We lived together and he died at home. I still cannot talk about the circumstances around his death. I still love him as much as I loved him when he was alive. I don't think anyone can understand until they have lost someone. In many ways his death was a slow suicide. I knew that he wanted to die. It was a very deep and life changing experience for me. I will never forget that day specifically and I cannot erase the memories. I do not let myself get close to very many people at all so when I say you are my friend and I am your friend, it truly is a BIG DEAL.

[Guest_9043]

From what you tell me I see you have taken this devastating and heartbreaking experience to come here, reach out to those that are barely hanging on by a thread, touch their hearts, touch their pain and I can tell by your words that you write that you are very genuine and you have a very beautiful heart full of love and kindness. In a world where that is largely missing it is very very refreshing to see and have hope that it does exist. I did not believe it did and it is true that there are some very sick individuals in this world, it is mostly all I have ever seen. At 40 years of age it is so nice to experience this for what seems like forever I have been waiting.

I am seeing that by giving this love from your heart to people here that you have chosen to do, in many ways it also a healing balm for your pain and your heart. You also deserve to be supported in this and I do hope that you are feeling supported, loved and needed here. I admire you and respect so much for your choice you have made. There is a quiet strength there that you portray, it is strong yet so gentle at the same time. That is ALL YOU, so do see how AMAZING YOU are here too.

Thank you for your comments about me as a person, they are well received. Thank you for noticing.

I am going to write and I am going to be successful. Right now I can't. I so dearly dearly want to. I miss it so much. I have this community and my therapist now. It's just that on a daily basis I am doing everything that is required of me alone. In that I mean like I cannot ask for anyone to do something for me because there is no one to lessen my load and free me up to do the things I want to do and the things that make my soul sing. I also am so caught up in trying to get through this storm I am in right now. I do get very frustrated and impatient on most days.

As for you being the first to buy my memoirs, I will put aside a book especially for you, signed with a message. No charge. I do mean that, I am not just saying it. I will be doing that anyway for the people I want to do it for and I know will appreciate the gesture and understand how much it means to me to be able to give what really is in fact a priceless gift.

Yes, a rebirth as my new profile picture will suggest if it is up by the time you get to this message. I wish you more good times as you progress along your healing journey from your loss.

Much love to you Sarah.

Hugs

Lee.

[Aaronsis]

Hi Lee

Yes the connections we make are sometimes uncanny and places like this amazing forum have allowed me to make so many wonderful connections and support people who in fact I have never seen, I have had the privilege of their story, to hopefully shed some light at a time that is so dark or so hopeless.

I am in Australia, Melbourne, that would be wonderful if in fact this site did have people contributing from overseas, that the topic of mental health had become so very important that even overseas folk knew about Beyond Blue and found themselves here to not only seek support but to support others.
I can see some of the posts that you are also joining in on and it is so wonderful that when you too are feeling so fragile and exhausted that you can reach out with a supportive and loving hand to others, that is what makes my heart sing, the community here and the fact that one day you read a post and the next you see this person flourish with words of love and support for others, it is beyond words.

So to answer your question about do I feel supported, the answer is a huge YES, I know it is kind of weird and it is kind of obsessive but I love it here and I spend a lot of time here, I feel that in my time of grief the community here was so amazing that if I can do that for another then there has been some small part of my brother’s death that has created something so wonderful. Thank you for saying I am amazing, I just try to speak from my heart and if it helps another human I feel a small sense of hope.
That is so very special of you to put a book aside for me, something I will treasure. Maybe your rebirth and your journey from these forums will be that you do pick up a pen..how exciting! Just as we are here talking of Dave Pelzer, one day another human will be reflecting on the words and how inspiring they are and how at their time of need you gave them support, comfort and hope.
Thank you for your acknowledgment of my brother’s death, I don’t think anyone’s pain should be compared or elevated over the way in which they passed or who they were in your life…you too lost a person whom you loved and no matter the circumstances it bloody hurts. I am sorry too that you had to live through the passing of your friend and how that has impacted your ability to hold someone dear to you…hopefully in time that will change Lee.

I love your profile pic, it is so powerful and so fitting for you..rising from the ashes and being reborn.

Huge hugs for you Lee

Sarah

[MissBenthos]

This thread is so lovely, I have enjoyed reading it.

I can relate to feeling as though time has been stolen through years of struggling with depression. I am so lucky to be in a better state right now and I hope that you can all find that too. I’m currently reading “Man’s search for meaning” by Victor E. Frankl. It’s another very dark story - about his struggle for survival in Nazi concentration camps. It’s an enlightening perspective on the suffering we endure in being alive and how each individual is irreplaceable.

On the topic of self care: I used to believe it was selfish to look out for myself. I’d do favours for people because I wanted to be a nice person. But when my acts of kindness didn’t seem to be appreciated it backfired, making me resentful and grumpy. I discovered I’m a much nicer person when I put myself first. When I get regular exercise, sleep well, eat well, do things I enjoy, I am more capable in helping others and know where my boundaries are so I don’t become burnt out. 2quik, it’s so good that you are making time for yourself, you deserve it!

[Aaronsis]

Hello MissBenthos

I am so pleased that you have enjoyed reading this thread, welcome aboard!

You are so very right in that really, the only person who is responsible for making us happy and who can make us truly happy is ourselves. It is so very important to do things that make us feel good, to remind us that we do need some attention too, it is so wonderful to give to others but if we are exhausted and fragile we really are not going to be much help to others...and it just feels lousy.

I am really interested in reading about Nazi Germany and I loved The Book Thief, it is so horrific but so much to be learned from these books and from people.

Great to chat to you MissBenthos and hope to do that some more. I am so pleased to hear that you have managed to get on top of your depression and I am so very sorry that you too have had life stolen at its expense.

Hugs to you too

Sarah

[Guest_9043]

Hi Sarah,
This is just a brief response for now until I am capable of fully replying.

I have had the worst day in hell today and I'm in a bad place. I had therapy this morning and it was excruciating. My therapist is AMAZING. I'm just in too much pain and need extra self care.

I just wanted to say I live in QLD South east coast way.

It never registered this is an ALL Australian site. I'm so used to being on sites that there are people from other parts of the world. It's actually nice to have an all Australian site.

I will get back to you soon (I want to)

Hugs to you.

Lee.