DV situation

[mum4x]

Hi everyone,

Im new here and just trying to grasp at anything that will give me some strength and support at the moment!

I have been in a relationship for 6 years with someone who I now am not even sure I know. By all the behaviours he exhibits, the things he says and does...I can only conclude that he is a narcissist. I really don’t want to believe it as that means everything we had was not real...it is a hard pill to swallow to find out the most intense love you have felt is not actually real, that every wonderful dream for the future doesn’t exist anymore.

over the last 6 years I have become a shadow of my former self...I have depression and anxiety symptoms and I just feel total defeat and hopelessness much of the time. I function like a robot 90% of the time. I do what I need to do, my kids are looked after, but it’s like I’m not really present and everyday tasks make me want to cry with exhaustion and frustration.

the thought of the future without him gives me crippling sadness (strange I know) but also having to deal with him as an ex for the rest of my life is something I don’t feel like I have the strength for right now (we share 1 child).

bottom line is I am quite a smart girl, I can see everything he’s doing to me and around me, I catch him lying and manipulating me and others all the time, and I rarely even bother to confront him anymore. I have learnt that no matter how much evidence I can provide he will always react with rage and turn everything on me! Or he will breakdown, admit how flawed he is (usually with excuses as to why) and tell me how I am the best thing since sliced bread. Only to repeat the process at a later date.....but I keep staying or taking him back.

I know I can never be truly happy...or be in control of my life, and emotional state as long as I stay with him. I don’t even believe his professions of love and adoration anymore, but I still really desperately want to be able to believe them!

i also feel overwhelmingly sad and sorry for him, the life he has lived and the life he is going to live in the future. The despair and sadness and self-loathing that I have seen from him almost matches up to the amount of anger, lying, manipulating, violence, antisocial behaviour that I have witnessed.

I guess I’m just waiting for my time where I will feel truly done and would love to talk to others who have felt this kind of grief and confusion in the meantime.

thanks in advance 🙂

[monkey_magic]

Hi mum4x,

I have lived through DV. Please don't wait until you are truely emotionally depleted to make a move. It can be much harder that way.

I could sense that you feel sad after reading what you have written. It is a very sad situation to live through because you are dealing with two sometimes three different ppl with abusers. Sometimes you just dont know who they will pretend to be and if it's truelly genuine or not.

Listen to those red flags. That female intuition as it will set you on the correct path...it will lead the way. Listen to the signs and symptoms in your body as well. I was feeling unwell when with my ex partner- a big red flag.

In the end i felt like i was crawling away from him. My energy was depleted!

You are aware which is a good first step.

I'd get some advice from 1800respect the domestic violence line- they are experts and may be able to give you more/ a different perspective.

I wish you all the best and hope more ppl come on board for support.

Take care and write anytime. We are always here 24/7.

[White_Rose]

Dear Mum

Hello and welcome. I can feel your sadness through your words and I can imagine how hard this has been for you. Anyone in a DV situation suffers so much. It's so difficult to leave a person you thought loved you as you loved him. He may well be a narcissist but that is almost irrelevant now. Regardless of the box he fits into he has hurt you in an appalling way.

At first everything sounds reasonable and perhaps you did something wrong. When you listen to body you know by the loss of the person you once were that you are being abused in the most destroying manner. He may have had a bad childhood and upbringing but that is no reason to take out his anger on you. I think these people lie even to themselves in the end and are incapable of seeing the world as it is.

Please get some advice as MM has suggested. Also contact the Women's Legal Service. This is the national body and you can navigate to your state body from there. http://www.wlsa.org.au/

It's always hard to leave your partner and of course you cannot help remembering the good parts. Do you have family or friends nearby who can help you? You may need to find somewhere to live and family is a good choice. Women's Shelters are usually full. Please start to make your plans and decide where you will go and what you will take.

I sens you are a strong person with good insight. This will help you move forward though I know it will be hard. Do you think he will try to stop you when you go? If so you can ask the local police to be there.

I am so sorry to see you in such a situation and I hope you will be able to leave soon. You know he will not change no matter how much he begs and weeps. The more often you go back the harder it is to finally leave.

We are here to talk to you whenever you wish.

Mary

[cali8]

Hi,

I led a fairly normal life, dated nice men and had a shine and life essence that attracted good things to me - until I attracted a malignant narcissist. Unfortunately I went on to marry him and have 2 kids by him. He literally tore me apart on all levels and entrapped me in Australia away from my family and support and opportunities for kids and self to lead happy fulfilling lives. He uses kids to this day as narcissitic supply when convenient and pays no support. They will not know the joys of their family and grandparents overseas and we are isolated in poverty as he still sabotages me 14 years after I left him. I crawled away with nothing but am glad I at least got him out of my house. Family law gave him the rights and me the sacrifices and responsibility but even then I would rather eat dirt than cowtow to him again. I protect the kids and it is easier to teach them right from wrong without a destructive dark force in house manipulating gaslighting and abusing. Protect you and your child. The relief you will feel getting away and having some say over your life far surpasses any sadness you temporarily feel for 'losing' him. Narcissists are not capable of loving or giving or supporting and they never know the cost. They do not care. If it is you vs him...make it you and your child as first priority. You are and always were worth a great love and you got duped by a soul sucker. I am sorry you are facing this hardship. Dont let him take any more than he has. Narcissists are bottomless pits of greed and darkness. Take care.