PTSD and Trauma

Feel like the universe is punishing me

replies: 1

I need to be blunt - I genuinely feel like the universe is out to make my life as awful as possible. I have cptsd from 18 years of abuse from my family and at 19 I was abused by two both friends after finally escaping my family. This year I cut them ... View more

I need to be blunt - I genuinely feel like the universe is out to make my life as awful as possible. I have cptsd from 18 years of abuse from my family and at 19 I was abused by two both friends after finally escaping my family. This year I cut them all out but my family situation is worsening. What’s pushed me over the edge is my psychologist who has done nothing but minimize my trauma, try to make me reconnect with my abusers and has ruined me so much. I feel like a hollow of a person and I truly feel hopeless for the first time in years. Everytume I try to improve my life something happens and ruins it. Last year I had a wonderful therapist but because of the actions of my abuser I lost her. I’ve tried so hard in therapy to do all the homework but at this point I feel unfixable. I feel like my issues are too much and I can’t get the help I really need. If it wasn’t for my partner I’d literally be completely isolated in all this everyone else in my life blames me for my abusers actions and everyday I feel closer and closer to a nervous breakdown. My whole life I’ve had to restrain myself and hold myself together to function but I don’t want to anymore. I feel like if I had a full on breakdown and lost control of myself I could finally defend myself from abuse and would finally be seen as actually needing help. I want to go on a rampage and destroy things because having a complete and visible meltdown feels like the only way for people to care about me. Therapy has become a major trigger for my ptsd it makes me sick and tbh the reason I didn’t drop my therapist earlier was because I’ve Been using it as a method of emotional s*lf h*rm. the things my therapist says are so eerily close to my abusers that I think I subconciously felt i can’t escape it so I kept going to therapy. My boyfriend has been helping me so much but I feel so guilty like I can’t complain about therapy when I willing kept going back. I just feel like my trauma can never be fixed and I’ll never get the help I so desperately need I want to give up on trying to get better I want to scream at the people who have done this to me I hate it I hate everything so much how does the universe expect me to cope??? It feels unfair

Self-punishment

replies: 11

Hi, I have had PTSD for 6 years after having a car accident where I’m deemed at fault. This accident resulted in the death of my mother. Since then I’ve been on a roller coaster. Over the years, I have engaged in many forms of self-punishment from no... View more

Hi, I have had PTSD for 6 years after having a car accident where I’m deemed at fault. This accident resulted in the death of my mother. Since then I’ve been on a roller coaster. Over the years, I have engaged in many forms of self-punishment from not eating to over exercising, even being diagnosed with a binge eating disorder. I see my psychologist every few weeks but I can’t seem to change my self belief that deserve this punishment and unhappiness. I’m not sure what I’m looking for on here but any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Abusive Relationship

replies: 3

I am currently in an abusive relationship. AT first it started with the derogatory comments, the constantly being told and made to feel like I'm useless. It then escalated to physical, the worst of which occurred on Saturday night. i suffer from depr... View more

I am currently in an abusive relationship. AT first it started with the derogatory comments, the constantly being told and made to feel like I'm useless. It then escalated to physical, the worst of which occurred on Saturday night. i suffer from depression and anxiety and am currently seeing a psychologist weekly but that is through Veteran Affairs and im afraid of the consequence of what will happen if i tell this to my Psych. Please help

DV situation

replies: 3

Hi everyone, Im new here and just trying to grasp at anything that will give me some strength and support at the moment! I have been in a relationship for 6 years with someone who I now am not even sure I know. By all the behaviours he exhibits, the ... View more

Hi everyone, Im new here and just trying to grasp at anything that will give me some strength and support at the moment! I have been in a relationship for 6 years with someone who I now am not even sure I know. By all the behaviours he exhibits, the things he says and does...I can only conclude that he is a narcissist. I really don’t want to believe it as that means everything we had was not real...it is a hard pill to swallow to find out the most intense love you have felt is not actually real, that every wonderful dream for the future doesn’t exist anymore. over the last 6 years I have become a shadow of my former self...I have depression and anxiety symptoms and I just feel total defeat and hopelessness much of the time. I function like a robot 90% of the time. I do what I need to do, my kids are looked after, but it’s like I’m not really present and everyday tasks make me want to cry with exhaustion and frustration. the thought of the future without him gives me crippling sadness (strange I know) but also having to deal with him as an ex for the rest of my life is something I don’t feel like I have the strength for right now (we share 1 child). bottom line is I am quite a smart girl, I can see everything he’s doing to me and around me, I catch him lying and manipulating me and others all the time, and I rarely even bother to confront him anymore. I have learnt that no matter how much evidence I can provide he will always react with rage and turn everything on me! Or he will breakdown, admit how flawed he is (usually with excuses as to why) and tell me how I am the best thing since sliced bread. Only to repeat the process at a later date.....but I keep staying or taking him back. I know I can never be truly happy...or be in control of my life, and emotional state as long as I stay with him. I don’t even believe his professions of love and adoration anymore, but I still really desperately want to be able to believe them! i also feel overwhelmingly sad and sorry for him, the life he has lived and the life he is going to live in the future. The despair and sadness and self-loathing that I have seen from him almost matches up to the amount of anger, lying, manipulating, violence, antisocial behaviour that I have witnessed. I guess I’m just waiting for my time where I will feel truly done and would love to talk to others who have felt this kind of grief and confusion in the meantime. thanks in advance

Condemned to a Life not Your Own

replies: 5

Hi Everyone I am wondering if you can relate to these words? These words came to me one day, some time ago, when i was in a depressed state. Somehow these words explained a lot to me about CPTSD. I look forward to knowing your thoughts. CKS

Raped by my cousin

replies: 7

When I was in my teens I was raped by my cousin I am now finding it hard to be in relationships and I am having trouble keeping happy. I keep breaking down into tears reciently

Why is earth so cruel?

replies: 17

Hi I know no one can answer this but i dont understand why humankind was created to endlessly suffer. Its not fair. Why wasnt humankind created to feeI peace. Im realy angry with this life and so exhausted. I get this intense scared feeling for no re... View more

Hi I know no one can answer this but i dont understand why humankind was created to endlessly suffer. Its not fair. Why wasnt humankind created to feeI peace. Im realy angry with this life and so exhausted. I get this intense scared feeling for no reason like im haunting myself. Why were we all created to endure non stop mental suffering. I want my mummy back. Lynne

Tics and body jolting

replies: 5

Hi, since I went through some changes to my medications, I've noticed I have uncontrollable jolting in my body..it was thought to be from Myoclonic seizures or jolts, but now I think it's actually part of a nervous Tic..also off and on, since childho... View more

Hi, since I went through some changes to my medications, I've noticed I have uncontrollable jolting in my body..it was thought to be from Myoclonic seizures or jolts, but now I think it's actually part of a nervous Tic..also off and on, since childhood, but more frequently now, there's pulling faces and rolling of my eyes..the shrugging shoulder action is getting worse..in two months, when my private cover is ready I plan on booking myself in...does anybody else get similar involuntary body jolts and shrugging???

Stopping the nightmares

replies: 1

Hello Beyond Blue, in March 2017 I was involved in motor vehicle accident. Though only a small one as someone cut in front of me with NO under cater or anything. The light changed from green to amber the person in front slammed her breaks on that har... View more

Hello Beyond Blue, in March 2017 I was involved in motor vehicle accident. Though only a small one as someone cut in front of me with NO under cater or anything. The light changed from green to amber the person in front slammed her breaks on that hard the front of her dipped while the rear of the car went up in turn I had to do the same thing, on a nice wet road. The point of impact was 39km. Her car came out with just a few scratches n dints while the front of my car just folded like a tin can. I later found out the this little gas part that makes the airbag go off was faulty and didn’t go off, it was an older car (2000 Mitsubishi Magna) I previously had a back operation a yr before I was all cleared to go back to work when this happened. That date has stuck into my head as I was taken to the hospital and found out I had broken my lower back (L5-s1) which was the weak spot prior to the accident. Today I’m still on TAC, now suffer from Depression, PTSD & Anxiety oh and sleep apnea due to all the nightmares I keep having due to my PTSD and use a CPAP machine. I’m currently seeing a psychologist which is helping me A LOT. I’m walking still which is also awesome, but like many other have had many good days & many bad days, with pain and not been able to work. All I did was play Xbox n watch Foxtel feeling sorry for myself and NOT THINKING OF PEOPLE AROUND ME. February 1st 2019 is also not a good date for me either as I hit rock bottom and did the unthinkable!! (I self harmed) I was in this very dark place and didn’t even know I did it at the time. To this day I still have bad thought but mostly on my down days. But thanks to my very loving family and talking about it has helped me so much. My point is there is ALWAYS help out there. Just because your a man doesn’t mean you have to be big n tuff and hind your emotions!! Talk to a family or friend that you trust. Make a phone call and just talk about how your feeling or want to just get something off our chest. ITS THE BEST WAY!!! I’ve learnt it takes more of a man to talk about your problems then to bottle them up like I do, but I’ll still currently learning not to bottle things up, TALK OPEN TOUR MOUTH. It’s the best way. Thank you for listening to my story.

My diagnosis of PTSD.

replies: 5

A week ago my psychologist diagnose me with PTSD as well as anxiety and depression. It has been strange to get my head around it and understanding this has been hard, specially because I don't want to tell anyone. Since I was young my mum was emotion... View more

A week ago my psychologist diagnose me with PTSD as well as anxiety and depression. It has been strange to get my head around it and understanding this has been hard, specially because I don't want to tell anyone. Since I was young my mum was emotionally abusive towards me, putting a lot of her emotions on to me,filling me with guilt and shame, as well as expecting me to help her fix the problems she was experiencing through my childhood. In a way she resented me for issues with my dad and her and my sister manipulated me for years,. About 3 years ago I moved from my country to live with my dad in Australia, I was 15, and since he acted in a similar manner to my mum; overly controlling and manipulative. The change of countries has been the most shocking thing that has happened to me, combined with my negative household life, I started experiencing very intense feelings, specially anxiety and depression. After 2 years of dealing with panic attacks,increasingly dark thoughts and getting into drugs and alcohol, I started seeing a psychologist who has helped me deal with my life in a better way. A month ago I decided to leave my dad's place for a couple of week, once he started to become mildly physically oppressive, however he took this opportunity to tell me I was no longer welcome to live with him. I've been living with a family friend since; and it has been amazing to experience an stable household. However, my anxiety is been very present this past month, I have a constant feeling that what has happened in my life is my fault. Everyone around has been extremely supportive of my situation and I'm very thankful of that, but I don't feel like I deserve that. I feel like I'm exaggerating the situation . I feel alone, I've been pushing people away and been awful to people I truly care about. I have exams in 2 months and I can't deal with everything. I don't want to be a burden to the people around me as I know they have their own lives and I don't want to bother them specially because I feel like I'm exaggerating the situation. As for my dad, I don't want to see him right now, that is awful of me but I'm not ready to be his 'friend'. People have traumatic, scaring experiences that lead to them experiencing PTSD. I don't think what has happened to me is enough to leave me as broken as I am, and for that I hate myself deeply, but I have no other option than to keep going.

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PTSD for Medical and First Responders

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