Dissociation - does it happen to anyone else?

[Slipperyfish]

Hi

i suffer from PTSD due to extended period of assaults. I’m in therapy dealing with it all but lately my memory has been terrible. I know I dissociate, but I’m not sure how to fix it. After I exercise I find it happens more, along with if I smell someone that really needs deodorant. And I honestly thought my memory was just terrible. But now it’s effecting my life, my job, my wellbeing my everything. I keep losing chunks of the day. Or I tell the same story over and over because I honestly don’t remember telling it in the first place.
I’m just reaching out to see if it’s happening to others and also how you deal with it. I just feel like I’m loosing my marbles 😞

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Slipperyfish,

Thank you for your post - you're definitely in good company here in dissociating. If you copy that word into the search bar you'll find lots of posts from other members who have these experiences too.

I can guarantee you that you are not losing your marbles! While sometimes it can be frustrating or disappointing or depressing or defeating - it's really our bodies inbuilt coping mechanism that's kicking in to keep us safe. It just doesn't yet realise that there's no reason to 'sound the alarm'.

Can I ask how is it going in therapy? Has your therapist ever worked with you on grounding exercises or safe space exercises? Grounding exercises for me have been the most important skill, and also trying to be compassionate with myself in knowing that my body is just trying to take care of me in the best way it knows how.

RT

[Slipperyfish]

Thanks so much for your response. Therapy is going ok. I changed people about 6 months ago and I definitely find it harder with the new person. I have done a lot of work with grounding and safe space though. My problem is remember to do it before getting too overwhelmed.
my current lady and I talk a lot about self regulation as I’m not very good at it. We’ve worked out that I never learnt how to do it as a child and that makes it harder for me to deal with life now. But the dissociating is getting out of control. When I woke up this morning I had half eaten food next to my bed, all my study stuff was thrown all over the room, plus I’d turned both of my alarms off and had moved my phone and left it in another room. And I’m blanking out regularly throughout the day. Like I’m not remembering conversations and I’m not remembering why I’ve ended up where I am. It’s worse after I exercise. I’m just feeling very overwhelmed.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Slipperyfish,

It's good to hear back from you. I'm really glad to hear that therapy is okay and this is the stuff that you're bringing up and working on with them.

It makes sense that it would be so much harder to do it now if you never got to do it as a child. It does sound like you're really missing time though. I know often in dissociation it can feel like we are 'not quite there' or things 'aren't quite real', where as it sounds like you generally aren't there at all. Do you know when it's about to happen; how much warning are you getting? Or do you know how much time you are losing?

I know that with the grounding and safe space, sometimes it can be really good to do when you're not overwhelmed. Like for example I'm not feeling dissociated now as I'm typing so it would be a great time for me to practice using them. It might feel silly or weird now but practicing when you're doing okay can help your brain rewire and try and re-regulate.

RT

[Slipperyfish]

I think I’ve figured out when I am losing the most time. When I get stressed and I mean even a tiny bit stressed I seem to disappear. At work I seem to be fine. Like I know what I’m doing, I know the kids routine and I’m on top of things. But when I stress I lose time. Like even tonight I was at physio and we were talking about dissociating and then all I remember is my physio talking to me asking what is going on. She said I was totally fine and then I just had glassy eyes staring off into space. I know exercise is a trigger too but I actually like physio and exercise as an outlet.

anyway I’m also stressed because I’ve got my last counseling session next week before I have to start fresh somewhere new. And I hate change.

tbh this week has been stressful. So much so that I’ve ended up taking the rest of the week off. But now I’m stressed about money. It’s never ending. And I’m so tired and drained. I feel like I just need a big hug and a big cry to let all my emotions and feelings out 😞

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Slipperyfish,

It's good to hear back from you again and I was wondering how things have been going for you. I'm so sorry that things are so hard right now.

It must be so exhausting knowing that any sort of stress sets it off - given how stressful life is in general anyways. It's interesting though that you find work to be fine, because I'm 100% sure that there will be some sort of stress at work. Maybe it's the sense of feeling in control of things?

It makes total sense how stressed you would be and it sucks having to change counsellors - I know you said you had to change 6 months ago too, is that something that you're aware of? Or is it just super unlucky?

For what it's worth, I'd be open to giving you virtual hugs if you want them! and know that it's totally okay to have a cry. These feelings get all bottled up and crying is a great release.

RT

[Slipperyfish]

Thanks for your response 🙂

im changing my counselor as through the free program I’m only allowed a certain amount of sessions. I can go back to her in April though.

I am exhausted all the time. I only get about 4 hours sleep a night and I’m just wrecked. And we are in the process of adjusting my medication but it’s a slow process

Im actually really struggling and I don’t know how to fix it. I literally just had to take time off work as someone started that literally looks the same as someone who I don’t want to ever think about or see ever again. And the memory and the constant forgetting things is literally making me feel like I’m insane. Like I end up somewhere and I’ll have no idea why I’m there. And I end up covered in bruises and scratches and I don’t know why! Like as an anxious thing I know i scratch, but I woke up yesterday and I’ve scratched my arm that much that I’ve broken the skin.

I’m just feeling very lost and overwhelmed 😞

[Aaronsis]

Hi Slipperyfish

I want to say welcome as this is the first time I have spoken to you, I can see that you are having some great conversations with RT and they have provided some wonderful support to you, this is not something specifically that I can relate to but sort of kind of...see when I lost my brother to suicide I went through some time of almost non communication, and by that I mean I actually could not finish a sentence, didn't know what train of thought I was on, didn't know the point I was trying to make, at work could not do the menial of tasks like remembering how to change my voice mail....grief, stress, anxiety and all these things actually DO things to our brain as you are experiencing and very well know...are you losing your marbles..ABSOLUTELY NOT..it is a protective mechanism that your brain is doing to protect you. I learnt at my counselling session that the part of the brain that is responsible for language and communication is the same part that "protects us" in times of grief, stress and panic, that our brain does not know what to do with this situation so it shuts parts it "cant identify" off.....like an intruder so it fights to protect us.

I have no idea how this must be impacting your life as your dissociation is so very different to my not being able to talk and communicate, I am so sorry that this is happening to you and I am so very pleased you have some help in place, that is so very wonderful and so important. It sounds like you are making some great progress with understanding what your triggers and and how this disorder came to be present, knowledge is power and means when you learn and understand you can make headway to managing the situations.

We are here for you to support you through this time and I hope to hear how the new counsellor works out, I can hear how overwhelmed you are and I am sending you strength and courage through this process.

Huge hugs to you slipperyfish

AS

[Croix]

Dear Slipperyfish~

I hope you and RT do not mind if I pop in for a moment. The main reason was to say, no you are not going insane.! I have PTSD, bouts of depression and anxiety - though there were work related, not your circumstances I know, and particular early on would be triggered by a great many thngs, resulting in differing behaviors from anger to being exclusively preoccupied by past (or future ) events. I had memory problems and sleep difficulties, still do. They, like you, tend to be stress related.

As I become stressed my memory lapses, though not to the extent of yours -well mostly not. I've ended up driving somewhere I had no intention of going and have not remembered going or why or talking and not having clue I've done so before.

I went to the movies last night and unfortunate part of the film brought home matters to me that left me in a poor state. It happens.

We have differing results, but basically I believe it is the brain trying not to deal with something before there is enough mental resilience to cope with it. I've forgotten significant episodes of the past for many years, only to have them turn up later.

The idea I'm trying to get across is you are reacting to the past and stress - the mention of an odor is one that gets me too, though the exact nature of the memory failure is individual

Have a look at:

Forums / PTSD & Trauma / Poor concentration due to PTSD

Which is not exactly like your symptoms, but at least shows many people do suffer things that are along the same lines. for the same reasons

My partner can tell when memories are taking over in me and nowadays can lead me back easily. When it first started I was horrible and even at times resented my partner trying to disrupt my thoughts, even when in the gentlest and most loving manner

Therapy, meds, time. I'm now good. I lead a normal life and if names, words or other things do not come to mind as they should when I'm stressed then OK, it sorts out later

You have a huge number of stressors at the moment, changing therapists, the person at work, olfactory prompts, finances, time off, movements that bruise or scratch in distress without realizing -I used to pull my hair out and did not realize it until after - all have a cumulative effect and your memory suffers

I thought I was a write-off, and one reason was memory failing. I was wrong, it gets better

I was a total mess and if I can now lead a good life I'd be certain you can too

Croix

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[Doolhof]

Hi Slipperyfish,

I see you have some wonderful support here. RT mentioned grounding and safe space exercises, I am going to look them up on Google myself later, they may be beneficial for me.

Dissociation is something I am familiar with, not to your extent though, not for many years.

Have you found techniques that do help you? I know it is difficult to keep practising things, it is beneficial when we do manage to encourage ourselves to continue.

Is your Dr able to assist you with more suggestions on what will help you?

Regarding the new staff member who reminds you of a traumatic time, is it possible for you to try to communicate with that staff member so in your mind you can differentiate them form the person they look like?

This may be very difficult for you to do, finding a way to connect to the staff member in relation to who they are may help.

Each day I try to find something to be thankful for. I have been told the more we think positive things, the easier it is for us to rewire our minds. I hope you are able to find ways to do this and reduce your struggles.

Cheers from Dools