New- trouble leaving a domestically violent relationship

[Nat777]

Hi,
I recently left my bf, I felt it was verging on DV. Things moved very fast and after only a couple weeks I was spending every night with him. He asked me to move in. He had a list of things that were my job in the relationship- breakfast and dinner every day, sex and general house keeping. I didn’t really like this but I wanted it to work. He asked me how many men I had slept with. I lied. It’s not something I wanted to share. Things turned sour. He became obsessed with knowing the truth. He would question me repeatedly- to try to catch me out. When my story didn’t match, he threatened to end the relationship. He made up stories that he heard I’d slept around and did drugs-to see if I’d admit to sleeping with more guys. We had a cycle. It would go well for a couple weeks. Then he’d bring up me lying and we’d argue. He starting to go through my phone and read my messages. He drank every night (bottle of vodka), he’d swear at me and call me names. He would apologise and then treat me like a queen the next day. He would belittle me, threatened to cheat on me if I didn’t spend every night with him or if I didn’t have sex with him every day he’d find someone else who would. I was starting to feel that I was never good enough. I ended up leaving after he kicked me off the couch and I fell on the floor because I wouldn’t let him go through my phone. I moved out the next day. I msgd his ex gf who said he was abusive and manipulative- it didn’t end well.

After I left he was apologetic. He admitted to being at fault. He sweet talked me. I thought I overacted. He did lots of kind things for me. I saw a psychologist (I’ve had 2 sessions). He told me to be careful of him. That his behaviour is that of a sociopath, what he was DV- emotional abuse. Even though I was told this I couldn’t let go. I felt guilty for moving out. I continued to msg him and then going on dates again.

I continued to see him (2 weeks now). I thought him quitting drinking he’d change. He told me tonight that he is done and doesn’t see a future with me anymore.

I feel he has manipulated me. He couldn’t handle I left him so for him to be back in control he won me back just to end it. I feel insecure and have low self-confidence. I don’t know why I’m crying and still want to be with him? I’m trying to figure out if our relationship was real, if he genuinely had/ has feelings for me or if it was all about controlling me? I feel as if I’ve made this into a big deal.

[B_bear]

Nat if what you have written is all fact then yes it’s abuse, controlling and will lead to a more toxic environment and relationship the more you fuel it. I think you know that.

Those are dangerous and controlling behaviours, particularly considering they are being displayed at the start of a relationship. Bail, and ensure you have a network of support available should it sour further. I wish you resolve and a safe exit.

[Summer Rose]

Hi Nat777

Welcome to the bb forum and thank you for sharing your story.

I'm so sorry that you are struggling at present. You've certainly been through a lot with you ex-boyfriend and I can understand your saddness and confusion.

For what it's worth, there is no doubt in my mind that you were in a very unhealthy relationship and that you are better off to be out of it. You deserve so much more. You matter, Nat, and that relationship was never going to deliver real love and happiness to you.

I don't believe that you are "making this into a big deal". It is a real issue that is impacting your health and well-being. And It's going to take you some time to really understand what has happened, why and how to heal and move on.

I hope that in time, with professional support, that you will see that your psychologist is right and that the man you were involved with was manipulative and quite possibly dangerous.

It's okay to cry. It's okay to hurt. It's okay to question events. That's all to be expected when a relationship ends. But don't ignore your gut.

You went to see a psychologist for a reason. I'm betting your instincts were telling you the situation wasn't right for awhile. Back yourself, Nat.

I encourage you to continue seeing your psychologist and keep talking here. Life will get better.

Kind thoughts to you

[Guest_9043]

You are crying because you are human and you have been hurt. It is completely OK to be crying. There will be a grieving period for what you thought it could be. I left mine five months ago and a lot of what he was doing to you, she did to me. (Same sex relationship) I cannot offer much because I am in not so good shape. I do want you to know that even if you are doubting it right now, the best thing you ever did was leave him. I know he sucked you back in and that is NOT YOUR FAULT. I am terribly sorry for this happening to you, truly. One day you will come to see how pathetic, weak and insecure about himself that he is. Please do not try to go back. I could have very easily lost my life. Abuse is NOT love and they truly do not change. Sending you love and healing vibes.