Feeling depressed, lonely and unsuccessful

[Kuan]

Hi all,

Hope you all are well!

I am Kuan. I moved to Victoria 8 years ago. I am feeling really useless and unsuccessful in comparison to my peers. I was made redundant 3 months ago and I don't know which direction I should go and stick with. I feel very lonely and depressed all of a sudden and normally it isnt this bad given my current circumstances.

To be honest, I feel like I survived life because I have always been really lucky in terms of being born into a high-income family. However, I have never been happy when I was growing up. I knew I was gay when I was 4 and felt I was somehow different from other kids my age. I suffered from dysthymia and anxiety because I was severely bullied from Grade 1 till I graduated from high-school and by my family too. I never had a real friend when I was a child. My social circle consisted of rich people's kids, arrogant and rude. When I was 13, I was sexually abused by a classmate until I was 15/16. I never told anyone in my family. I wished that my life would end at 17.

It didn't because I thought to myself that i could make it. That one day, I will be loved. So i decided to study abroad, hoping that I could meet a guy who would love me. I met a guy who turned out to be a cheater and discovered he was having sex with another guy. I kept all of these in me for years while I pretended I was okay while I was with him. I was too afraid to lose him so I let him abuse me over and over again until a friend of his encouraged me to leave him. I did.. but i never felt better. I met all these friends who ended up finding ways to hurt me and they were actually happy that I was hurt. That just kept reinforcing my perspective of people.

Now even I have a wonderful boyfriend, I still can't wipe my past away. Why? because I feel so useless in my life. I told myself I could surpass them and I could be happier. But I keep failing.. and recently I am diagnosed with ADD which explains so much of my behaviours and my sensitivity towards my surroundings. But usually people are diagnosed when they were younger. I feel like i've lost so much time that I can never make it in life and my experience with people are not helping at all. I've been seeing a psychologist but because I lost my job I really dont know how long I can see her for. I don't know anyone else who are like me. I can't connect with me. I feel skeptical about people and I feel maybe this time I won't make it, that finally I have no more energy. I just feel hopeless.

[Curleee]

Hi Kuan

Thanks for sharing yourself in such a vulnerable way. You are having trauma right now And those feelings are not you. They are a mental illness. And as I type this, this is healing for me, also. And this is the power of this forum/discussion.

You are not your illness.

One of the things with my mental illness that I have had to come to terms with (C-PTSD, borderline and bipolar) is that my brain will most likely change 50 times in terms of career.... and this will always be the case. Be kind to yourself and don't try and set a "hollywood-esque" ideal about ur career. There are some many ways we can contribute in this world. You sound like a lovely soul. And sometimes when we aren't feeling great, we attract people that don't treat us great.... But that says more about those other people than it does about you.

So in terms of career/job, maybe just do what u want to do today...and don't think tooooo far into the future.... now might not be the time for large projections.... and that is okay..
...
Take care

[Kuan]

Hi Curleee,

Thank you for your kind words. I feel better knowing I am not alone in this. Thanks for making me feel less lonely. I never thought of them as traumas but people around me, the psychologist and the psychiatrist told me i am experiencing traumas. I still don't really understand this subject matter that well. I am still trying to figure out why I feel certain ways about life.

I am really glad you responded to me. I will try not to project too far into the future tho i know with my monkey brain i'll probably end up doing that again haha.

Being kind to oneself is definitely important and something I am learning how to.

You have a kind soul. I hope you are being kind to yourself too. Take good care of yourself and let's get through life together 🙂

[Doolhof]

Hi Kuan and Curleee,

Welcome to you both. Years ago I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder along with depression, anxiety, stress and complex PTSD. All of these are titles of conditions I experience to various levels at different times.

Like Curleee mentioned, these are explanations for what we are experiencing, it doesn't mean these conditions have to dominate who we are. I have researched these conditions and it better helps me to understand what makes me tick and how I can work with it.

I need to remind myself I don't need to be so sensitive to all people say to me. I can train my mind to react differently!

Trauma can be depleting. We can also learn from these situations and discover ways to do life differently.

I've been unemployed for a while. Through volunteering I have managed to gain a paid position. It is not in a job I was looking for and to be honest I am struggling, but I have a job and the people have confidence I can do it!

Sometimes we need to grow our own confidence and belief in self!

Other people may use us and abuse us. We can rise above them and be the person we desire inside to be.

Sometimes we need to take one day at a time and do our best each moment.

I want to encourage you both and thank you both for reaching out to each other here on this forum. Being able to give and receive support is what helps to make this community special.

Cheers to you both and all reading. From Dools