An open introduction - I'm an open book after all.

[DontBlink182]

Hey there all,

I will start with a bit of traumatic history, I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse that lasted about 8 years. I was raped by my first two serious boyfriends in my teen years. I thought I had finally found a decent guy with my ex-husband, but it quickly turned ugly 6 months into it. He began manipulating me, psychologically, emotionally and mentally abusing it - triggering flashbacks and making me feel absolute putrid claiming "I liked being abused - every minute of it". I ended up breaking free of him but only after agreeing to leave our daughter with him (rather than being homeless with a toddler) - he still has her and won't let me see her, she's now 11. I was homeless for 3 years, turned to alcohol for comfort. I couch-surfed, barely held grips with my reality, went out clubbing every weekend - then I got pregnant off a one night stand... oops. I was still homeless at that point. My mother took me back in (my ex was living with her til 2 months prior - yea don't get me started on the fact I was homeless and he wasn't) at 8 months pregnant, by which point I met my current partner.

Was originally diagnosed with depression in 2008, and the Doc said I was most likely suffering since I was 11 (when I learned I was being abused). Knew I had it by then, but refused medication as I just had a baby and was breastfeeding. Got diagnosed again in 2015 and she claimed I had "Chronic Depression and Severe PTSD" and I am now on antidepressant medication which works for the most part.

Up until today I hadn't known about Complex PTSD but it seems to fit my symptoms and trauma more. Is there such thing as having a double form of PTSD? I haven't had the best trot, and occassionally my partner reminds me of my ex which triggers flashbacks - had a full blown attack last night, the worst in a long time. I so tired of being tired and unmotivated. I have 3 daughters now, my ex still has my oldest as I mentioned, and I have my 7 year old with ASD and my 5 year old with Down Syndrome. They can be great, but draining to look after.

Anyways, that's my god-awful story.

Look forward to meeting some people.

PS. Call me Emjay!

[white knight]

Hi Emjay, welcome

I'm sorry to hear of your life's ordeals. We are not able to diagnose as we are people with mind issues also. However you will find this forum a great place to visit when you like.

I think your hunch however about having PTSD is quite possible. Trauma is a tough thing to live with and your experiences of abuse is vast. Any wonder you find life a challenge. Luckily you have a good guy with you.

We have here members that have had children adopted out and reunited, children that have passed away and a range of other traumas like that. No one will judge you here about any of that. Relax.

Triggers are a horrible thing. Read the first post of threads I give out.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/triggers-that-down-you-triggers...

So your triggers will insert a regular upset into your life and put pressure on your relationship. This is where your partner needs patience but that isn't something he can pluck out of nowhere, he either has it or not. The trick is to not expect too much from him and keep on this forum and together with your professional help you'll offload to others, not always hubby.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/supermarket-shelves

To change our thought patterns is one of the most difficult things to do. EG you are having a bbq with hubby and he happens to mention your ex. You spin out of control with memories of those nasty comments. Your body wants to keep seated and cry and for the next hour you are immersed in anger and grief over your eldest daughter. What if you immediately stood up, told hubby you will be 5 minutes, and walked around the back yard and while there you focussed on your vegie patch or the birds?.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/switching-mindsets

You are not alone in sensitivity. This fragility comes with many mental illnesses.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/depression/depression-and-sensitivity---a-co...

Finally, an asset you can always have with you at all times- positivity. It isnt the be all and end all but it will be like a lending hand to allow you to rise above the odds when you need it.

 https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/the-best-praise-you'll-ever-get

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/focus-and-never-ever-give-up

That reading could change your life. You can do it.

TonyWK