Did I do something wrong? Am I at fault?

[Ginger_roll]

Recently, I got into an awkward situation with my tutor, who I have become friends with over the sessions. We still got work done and had friendly conversations about things that were about our personal lives. Overtime I also started developing feelings for him but never said anything. Then last month he was telling me that he was in his girlfriend's house and that they started dating 5 weeks ago and how they met through mutual friends. I was sad but happy for him too. I noticed over the online tutoring session, he started whispering at random times. I asked him whether or not he was ok but he just said "I'm just talking to myself and I guess to you." He noticed I was upset and asked me if I was ok twice. I then said I'm ok and that sometimes I worry about making him feel awkward about saying things that might be too personal. He then said "I know that I'm your tutor, my time is paid and I'm a bit older than you, but if you need me, I can be your friend". Then I said that I was going to be sad about him leaving to the UK. Then he said "Don't worry, I'll be back next year". I was then given hope that he'd like to be friends with me after tutoring and my final year of high school, which is what I'd like since we have spoken about our personal lives and got closer. Then, I mentioned the whispering in our next session and he gave me a different answer saying "I was just upset, that you were upset". Then the next session, I opened about my concerns of his relationship since I have never heard him whispering over a zoom and he gave me different answers to it and his relationship seemed to have progressed really fast. He then got defensive and started telling me that we shouldn't talk about our personal relationships and getting into our personal lives will complicate things because he is my tutor. He then said "I know I said 'Don't worry, I'll see you again next year' but I said it because I say it out of habit to my friends who say the same thing but I never see my students again after the HSC". I was just sitting there feeling really awkward when he said that because we have spoken about personal topics and he knew that I broke up with an ex boyfriend because he was toxic (He never said anything about discussing personal topics for the past 9 months of our tutoring sessions until now). Plus, you don't just say "Don't worry, I'll see you again next year when you dont feel close to someone or see them as only a student". I felt like I was given false hope and thought I was a friend to him. I also started suspecting that something is fishy, maybe the relationship. My friends also agree something is weird. At this point I am questioning whether or not to say anything about feeling awkward to my tutor or leave it. Did I do something wrong here? Is there something that is my fault and I'm not aware of it?

[Ginger_roll]

Hi Croix,

Thanks for your advice. I really appreciate it. I got my HSC results recently and looked at them on Saturday with a couple of my friends. One of my auntie's really wanted to know my HSC results but I said that I wanted to keep them private since they weren't as high as she was confident they were going to be. She initially said that we would look at them together but I did with friends. I was relieved that I did better than I thought considering everything. I told her that I was fine and looked at them and that I'd rather keep the results to myself. 

She was then saying that she knew I was struggling but I had a responsibility to tell her since my family tried very hard to support me. She asked me to sit with this thought. I did and said that I would still prefer to keep the results for some time. She then said that I have to face my responsibilities and let her know since I can't hide them for too long (I do plan to tell her eventually). She then said that even though I'm struggling, I'm being really selfish and that she's made so many sacrifices for me and that it would be nice to make a sacrifice for her too. From here I just had more pressure to tell her about them. My friends reckon the behaviour seems sort of like gaslighting or guilt tripping. I told a cousin of mine and my father finally since I felt like they were going to be more relaxed when I tell them. My father didn't really ask beforehand since he didn't want me to feel pressure about telling him. 

I have also ignored my auntie's phone calls due to my discomfort. I really don't like that I've done so but I didn't know what else to do. I've still messaged her though but she wants me to just tell her and get it over and done with even though I said I wasn't ready. The context is that she helped me get my ex-tutor and helped me out with my Italian HSC exams when coming to my house. Despite this, I don't know if she's got a right to say this and I should force myself to tell her or do so when I'm ready. At times I feel like I'm acting like my ex-tutor in this case but it's not like I'm accusing/gaslighting her for getting the wrong idea when I made out something was suspicious like he did over zoom. Have I done something wrong again? Am I also overthinking this? Am I selfish for saying that I'd rather keep the results to myself for some time? Thanks for your honest insights.

Ginger Roll

[Croix]

Dear Ginger_Roll~

Your results are yours, not someone else's. And if you are hesitant to let someone else that  really is the end of it, at least for now. To put emotional pressure on you is not-on, it shows more about the character of your aunt than anything else. You may also have thought given her possibly unrealistic expectations you would have been given a hard time if you did say what they were - not something you deserve.

If your aunt helped you with a unit and you are reasonably pleased with the result you may wish to tell her that her efforts really helped. This shows courtesy and appreciation wihtout revealing what you consider private.

Your father and cousin are quite a different case, when no pressure was involved to get you to talk, and you could expect the reception would be low-key and comfortable then I'm not surprised you told them

It is possible I suppose that in time you may want to tell her, however that has to be when you desire to do so, not when blackmailed.

Incidentally congratulations on your HSC, if you are pleased you did better than you anticipated that's what counts

Croix

[Ginger_roll]

Hi again Croix.

It's me again, Ginger_roll. I have recently met a guy at the Safe Drivers Course that we have done. We have texted here and there and met up twice afterwards. We really got on and conversations were flowing very well. During this timeline, I started to like him.

The last time we met up, we were talking and got into a good conversation flow. We were having deep conversations and then he was telling me that he doesn't have the space "physically" to meet me frequently since he has friends closer to him and has known for a long time that he can't abandon and has been seeing two other girls but doesn't seem official but sees monogamy more with them than me. He also said that he'd like to be a friend to me. However, he said that his heart has space to meet me. I was a bit upset but since he was down to being friends with me and meeting up around once a month I was happy that we could still be friends.

Then we started exchanging "I think you're a really a good friend", "I just want you to be happy" and "You are such a good person". We then hugged each other (it was an embrace, actually). We prolonged our gazes into each other's eyes and smiled at each other and he didn't mind me cuddling him. I placed my head on his shoulder twice, then he rubbed his head on my shoulder and cheek. Our faces were so close to each other and then we eventually started making out. He then held my hand. He said that he enjoyed it and we kept going. We just enjoyed each other's company from here. Then he had to go and when we arrived outside his house, he kissed me on the forehead and kissed me goodbye. I really enjoyed our time.

Right after we met, he texted me that he didn't want to kiss me again and that being too affectionate with me didn't feel right. The weird thing is, was that before we met up he seemed keen to see me and couldn't wait for us to meet. He was very responsive and texted me longer texts and sent the blushing emoji. I'm glad we kissed and it wasn't the best kiss that I have had but it made me realise how open minded and flexible I was to various outcomes. I like we should be just platonic by the looks of things but I somewhat feel used.

I'll give more details when I reply to your response.

What do you think Croix? Would you feel weird and confused too? Would you feel used? What are your thoughts? Does it seem like I'm being used?

Thanks.

Ginger_roll

[Croix]

Dear Ginger_roll~

It's good to hear from you again, even if it is under less than happy circumstances.

I'm not sure one can be 'friends' wiht someone like that particularly after physicality starts, at least for me such a relationship, even at the start, needs to be whole hearted. 'Having space for you in his heart' as well as seeing two other  girls plus friends seems to me he simply wants to add you to the collection.

Once the physical side starts, kissing and cuddling, then it is very easy for this to take over and judgment go out the window. In fact nothing has changed, there are still two other girls, it is just easier to forget their existence until things go wrong.

You sound a lovely person and are entitled to the whole attention and affection of someone else, not just a part.

Croix

[Ginger_roll]

Hi Croix.

Thank you so much for your advice. You are right about when physicality gets involved, resulting in judgement going out the window. This is since physicality results in an emotional bond. It was so strange though because like I said he started using the blushing emoji and sending longer texts. He was also replying to my messages just about instantly most of the time. During the phone call before we met up he said that he couldn't wait to see me and to contact him when I arrived home via an uber.

When we met up, he said that he can't contact me or see me frequently since he has a job, TAFE (once a week), likes to study and exercise. This is in addition to him seeing monogamy more with two other girls. He was saying that he has sleepovers with mates he's been close with for so long that he cannot abandon and we only met a couple of months ago. He also said that if I lived closer we'd be able to see each other more often, even though we don't live that far (11-18 minutes by car and 40 minutes by bus + train). I may just be used to living at a bit of a distance from friends. My friends say that the distance thing is an excuse or something.

He also said that he can't really commit to anything and isn't reliable because of how he's wired. I really appreciate his honesty of him saying this, yet we still got physical as I've described.

I just thought that I'd give more context. What do you mean by "the collection"?

Thanks for your advice again!

Ginger Roll

[Croix]

Dear Ginger Roll~

Thanks for the extra context, unfortunately I can't see anything that makes me believe he regards you as the sole individual he wants to be with, and in fact seems, from my perspective, to be leading you on by being just nice enough to keep you hoping.

By collection I mean -and I'm sorry to be blunt - that he would seem to want to have a number of girls dependent on him, a collection.

Does that answer your question?

Croix

[Ginger_roll]

Hi Croix,

Thanks for the clarification Croix. That does answer my question. Thank you for being really honest and I appreciate your honesty. You don't need to apologise on how blunt you are since you only want to say the truth and ensure that no one's feelings are hurt :).

Ginger Roll