Depressed wannabe Psychologist

[Dephog]

I am a 25 year old guy who has just finished his psychology degree. A little older than the rest of my class, I took 5.5years to get through the 3 year course due to a whole host of issues. Still have 4th year and masters/PhD to go (complex pathways, but essentially minimum 3 years left) At first I didnt really wanna be there, i wanted to be a rockstar (lol.) Then the drummer in my band got murdered in 2015, and since then things have just got worse and worse.

I was an 'emo kid' in early highschool, and got bullied up until the final two years when i carved out a new identity as a guy who smoked at school and played music. I never really felt comfortable in that identity though. Im certainly not a 'bad boy' type. I also did really well in school until that point when i stopped giving a shit.

I feel as i write this that i am making a lot of excuses for myself. About a year ago I started therapy, and it has helped a lot. My therapist is toying with diagnoses of dysthymia/PDD and believes that i may have been in 'double depression' in 2017/2018 before i saw him, but we focus on talk therapy rather than meds. I have a lot of issues coming from a family that had violence perpetrated by my father (who i never managed to resent for it) against my mother and sister, and my sister who has mild borderline personality disorder as a result (and yet i do resent her, go figure. She use to threaten to kill me, and would attempt physical harm on me and others. 

I tend to subjugate myself, accommodate everyone else's needs and struggle to assert myself. I become avoidant, and at worse i surrender. When i surrender i can get really agitated and have suicidal thoughts. They're almost impulses, and they scare me. This pattern has also kept me in a 3-year long-distance relationship with a very emotionally manipulative woman who puts herself in hospital with 'burnout' or 'anxiety' when i try to pull away. I have lost almost all of my peer support network save for two friends I see about once a month so as not to burden them with my issues.

[PamelaR]

Hi Dephog

Welcome to our forums. It's great you've found your way here. The career path you've chosen is a huge one isn't it. Getting to the end of your psych degree will take sometime and a lot of effort. In the meantime it sounds like you are struggling with a few things.

Maybe, do you mind if I ask how you felt after writing your post. You have really opened up and that is awesome. No everyone can be so reflective. To be honest, it really is hard to know how to support you since you appear to know so much about yourself.

What do you think about exploring the reasons behind your subjugation? What do you think was the cause of this? I could put forward my thoughts from what you've said about your father and sister. From my understanding siblings learn how to behave from watching what happens with others in the family circle. Subjugating yourself - to me is a survival mechanism. I did that myself. But learnt very early on (around your age) that it was totally unnecessary and I could be my own person. Which I did. In hindsight, I could have learnt better ways of enacting that. Hindsight is always good isn't it.

Being agitated about surrendering to others is completely understandable. I'm sorry to hear you have had suicidal thoughts though. From your studies I believe you know all the contacts available to you. If you want I can repeat them here. Let me know.

What is it about your 3 year relationship that keeps you going back? What is it that makes you feel responsible for her her burnout or anxiety that puts her in hospital?

Just a thought from my own life experience - peers support networks come and go. It changes as I've changed, as what is happening around me changes. I've found that to be okay and learnt to build new relationships, new support networks. It takes time, effort and being there for others too.

Hope some of this helps Dephog. Feel free to browse our threads and posts.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Dephog]

Thanks Pamela. I actually had written more but the character limit meant i had to delete some. Honestly i'm in a bad place, and i cant talk to anyone about it because most are just frustrated with me at this point (family and gf). And I would normally have had a session with my therapist today, i really needed to get things out. I know all the hotlines of course, and ive promised myself last time i was bad that if ever i feel worse than that, i will check myself into hospital. So do not worry about all that.

And the reason i guess im so clear is because of therapy and my education, but mostly it feels like i am just making excuses for myself. It doesnt really stick. It feels like im shirking responsibility. But your response echos my thoughts so well, it is hugely validating.

I think one aspect of why i posted which i had to delete though was that, i cant see how i will get to be a psychologist after ive been through all this. Its honestly all i want, to help people because i know i can do it really well. I spent my life counselling everyone in my family (yes, a little problematic) but i just feel it is what i was put on this earth to do.

But then i look around and see so many well-adjusted people, so much younger than i am. I feel like this dream of mine is unattainable because of things out of my control. It's my only sense of purpose in life. I need to know that it gets better, that i wont always feel like im just managing to keep all the shit at bay, that one day ill feel better adjusted, and almost glad for the insight granted by all life's curve balls.

Has anyone had this experience, in any sense?

And thank you for asking about my girlfriend. I suppose i feel responsible for everyone in my life, it has been a coping mechanism for me in a way. I put other people first, and how can I put her in so much distress just so that i can feel 'free' or whatever?

I really appreciate your response. I sometimes struggle to trust my therapist, I feel like he is just trying to boost my ego (trouble of having seen behind the curtain maybe, through my studies of therapy techniques and all that). When it comes from an absolute stranger who is allowed to relate to me, it hits home in a new way.

[Dephog]

Apologies, I just noticed the swearing prohibition on the guidelines and will refrain from doing so in future

[PamelaR]

Hi Dephog

Welcome back. Thank you for sharing more of your story. It helps sometimes so I can understand better.

Something you said 'i look around and see so many well-adjusted people, so much younger than i am.' How do you know people are well-adjusted? I've lived a long time and I've faked my outward personae most of my life. My work colleagues would describe me as - extroverted, confident and powerful. That's how I've projected myself. But really - I am an introverted and under-confident perfectionist who never does right. I never show my vulnerability. This I had to learn from a very young age, it only ever gave me grief. Have bouts of anxiety, depression brought on by episodes of PTSD. During these times I hide away, I never went to work.

I studied Social Sciences and worked in an area with psychologists, social workers, nurses, sociologists and a psychiatrist. My thoughts are they all had their own mental health issues to deal with. They certainly didn't discuss them, but it was quite obvious from behaviours each had their own particular quirk. Also, quite a number of the students who were studying psychology when I was there had their own mental health conditions. So to be honest, you may still continue on an become a psychologist. There is nothing in the handbook that says you have to be normal. (By the way what is normal?)

What is encouraging in your post is - your self reflection. That is so important I find. It helps with the healing and recovery process. As you would have learnt - this process takes time. Its taken the best part of 10 years for me to recover from recalling a trauma that happened to me as a child. In the beginning I went on sick leave for 3 months then returned to work slowly. By the time I retired 2 years ago, I was back to being totally functional. That doesn't mean I don't have to manage myself and the triggers that arise. I just get better at it as time goes on.

Putting other people first is an interesting concept. What that says to me is, you don't have to think about yourself (even though you are good at self reflection). Do you find you avoid doing things that are good for you? Not just in relation to your gf, but other things in every day life?

If you could how would change this - to put you first and foremost?

Kind regards

PamelaR

[Marie_W]

Hi Dephog (and PamelaR),

Welcome again to the forums, Dephog. I hope this can be a place where you can continue to offload some of the stress you are experiencing at the moment and get some support around this.

Like Pamela said, psychology is a long pathway - but also a very rewarding one (as I'm sure you know). I can really hear how important pursuing psychology is to you and I just wanted to congratulate you on completing your undergraduate degree. You're halfway through!

I can really understand your concern about becoming a psychologist after the struggles you have been through in your own life. Being a psychology student myself, I’ve noticed that a lot of us in the field have personal experience with mental health (whether it be ourselves or a family member/friend), which can help us understand mental health from a real-life perspective. So I wonder if maybe your life experience will give you unique insights into and a deeper appreciation for people’s journeys with mental health? What do you think?

It’s natural to want to compare ourselves to others and this can lead to self-doubt. But as PamelaR said, it’s hard to know what others are going through - maybe some peers in your course were feeling just as unsure and overwhelmed as you were? I think that whenever we are feeling a bit uncertain or feeling like we have been pushed outside of our comfort zone, it can be a sign that we are growing and developing new skills – and as you probably know, psychology is all about continual development!

So even though life may through some curveballs at you and you may experience some stressful times in life, I think you will learn new skills and strategies that work for you and things will start to feel better.

One thing I noticed from your posts (that PamelaR also picked up on) is how insightful you are about yourself, but also into your relationships with others (e.g. your sister and father). This kind of reflective nature is important in psychology and will serve you well in your future psychology endeavours, I'm sure.

Can I ask if you have any ideas around which area of psychology, you’d like to end up working in?

Looking forward to hearing from you if you'd like to reply.

- Marie (:

[Doolhof]

Hi Dephog and to all reading,

Marie's question is an interesting one, what field of psychology do you want to pursue? Over the course of your career this may well change.

We humans come in all sorts of packages with our own life experiences, beliefs and journeys.

Over your career, you may find there are some people who benefit from your style and techniques and others who may just walk away. That is okay too. You will not be able to help everyone. That will not be a blight on you or your skills and abilities, but may reflect the individual who has come to you for assistance.

I also agree that being insightful to your own issues and beliefs will help you. I would also like to suggest you be aware of any biases you may have about conditions and people.

Wishing you well in your studies. We can not change what has happened in the past, we can learn from it and find ways to move forward.

All the best from Dools