Dealing with racist views

[Eagle Ray]

*Trigger warning - potentially very distressing*

A couple of weeks ago I saw someone in town I knew. We were having a conversation when she began to express some generalised statements about a particular group of people. It progressively got worse into more blatant racism. I expressed that what she was saying was upsetting me. It then just got worse in terms of what she was saying and I found myself suddenly saying, "I can't continue this conversation, I'm sorry", and I just automatically left.

The reason it was triggering for me is because a really gentle soul from my childhood was murdered with the perpetrators even admitting they did it on the basis of race. It was this same group of people the above mentioned person in town was referring to. I am being particularly vague so as to protect the identities of people affected. So all these sudden trauma emotions came up for me around this issue and that's why something in me just took over and I said I couldn't continue the conversation and left as a form of self-protection.

The person I walked away from knows people in my unit complex and she has turned two of the residents against me. I am now dealing with daily comments that I hear clearly from the courtyard such as "F#%k her" and similar in reference to me. Today I wrote a one page letter to explain to the person I walked away from why her comments were so distressing for me, including explaining about the murder, and put it in her letterbox. I am hoping she may be more understanding as a result but not necessarily confident that will happen.

I now feel persecuted in my small town because I took a stance against racist speech. I feel like I need to leave and I just don't fit here. I love the surrounding landscape and feel connected to that, but I feel I am out of place in this conservative town and unless the people currently hostile to me can come to understand my point of view and past experiences, I feel I am going to be in an awful situation daily from now on.

Has anyone else ever dealt with anything like this? I actually feel unsafe and I already struggle with a whole lot of complex trauma issues around safety. I did talk to my psychologist today which was helpful. I am working on just standing tall and being straight forward and doing my best not to be intimidated. But I do feel very unwelcome here now. My closest friend in these units is my elderly neighbour who is now in hospital and so I'm concerned about her too. Just feeling very isolated.

[white knight]

Hi ER,

I do understand your position in all this and have experienced similar not in a race way as the topic. When in a small town (I lived in one) and a group turns against you it can be really hurtful especially if you meant well. This "punishment" is unwarranted and cruel and therefore we need to learn ways that preserve our dignity, maintain harmony around us and make a trade off in order to do that.

This "trade off" is a fine line and it means ignoring some of your needs and the way you react, sadly its true. For example- the person you walked away from was the type that take offence at that action. They also triangulate with others to "gang up" on people so they feel powerful and/or seek revenge to hurt you (like they feel you hurt them). This childish revengeful activity is from a childhood that never matured. I know this as my mother has done that activity all her life.

So how did I survive it? Well its a bit different as we didnt live nearby but the last time I saw or heard from her was 13 years ago and at that time I decided to not tolerate people with those behaviours. This "turf them out of ones life" approach has served me well and although my family has shrunk because of it I am much more mentally happier. Ok, so in your case, your neighbours need ignoring, no contact unless its passing by and always say "hello". Dont ignore them or you are playing their game, they will know they are hurting you. 

My mother used to write letters all the time to her foes and I had as a young man done the same, it isnt ideal and I'd recommend not doing it anymore. If you have to then face to face or let it slide. Reason is, that letter can circulate faster than word of mouth. It also cant show the sincerity level that in person gives.

At the time you walked away there might have been a better method. Over the years I've learned to 1/ change the subject "who did your hair it looks amazing?" 2/ tolerate them talking and tune out 3/ tolerate them talking and at first opportunity say "I understand totally what you are saying... oh, I really have to go, catch up another time ok". Then leave slowly and calmly.

It seem possible that this group is not good for you. If they take what others tell them then they have an issue. It will calm down and in a few weeks they'll get tired of yelling out.

I hope that helps. What do you think?

TonyWK

[quirkywords]

Eagle ray

I admire how you stood up against racism. Tony has written a supportive post. 

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Tony and Quirky,

Thanks for your comments and support. My response at the time (walking away) was non-voluntary and just automatically happened before I was even conscious of my own reaction. What was being said was actually triggering trauma for me in relation to the brutal murder of the person I knew who was a truly gentle, kind human being who never did any harm to anyone. I know if I had not done that action and stayed in the presence of those comments the trauma that was getting triggered would have gotten lodged in my body and just stayed there. I couldn’t just internalise it. But I also feel there is a silence around racism that feeds it and if no one questions it, it just makes it stronger. No one learns to see differently unless given another perspective.

I did not write a letter to the person to punish them. To the contrary, I wrote it to reach out and express that me leaving the situation was based on trauma from my own experience and not personally against her. By explaining the context, I hope to expand her perspective a bit, even if it means she starts to think twice before denigrating groups of people again. I think for a lot of people certain attitudes are so normalised and they automatically think you will be fine with their views and they don’t understand that those views might actually be distressing for you.

I agree, it is good to keep saying hello and I will remain friendly to people if I see them. It is not in my nature to do otherwise. I will just stay calm if they start having a go at me. So far all the negative comments have not been to my face but I hear them right outside my home. Since I delivered the letter I actually haven’t heard any more comments so far and I’m wondering if the receiver of the letter has relayed the contents to the others and it’s made them think twice about what they say.

In any case, I actually don’t feel I belong in this town and I’m looking for a new home. It may take a while to sort it out but I have a feeling I just don’t belong here. Having said that I’m sitting on my favourite rocky hill by the ocean and I do feel a strong sense of belonging here. It is the town I just don’t feel I belong in.

Thanks again for your support,

ER

[Rosie]

Hi Eagle Ray

I'm so sorry you are being so mistreated by these people.  When you are fragile, having people gang up on you can make you feel isolated.

The trouble with moving is that it's expensive and there is no guarantee you won't come across the same triggering people.  Sometimes when I am feeling so overwhelmed and the neighbourhood bullies start having fun at my expense, it makes me have terribly dark thoughts.  Yesterday, I found four bags of dog poo in my front yard.  They were probably laughing their heads off but it left me devastated.

Wait until you see how they react to your letter and hopefully next time u see them, and smile, they'll do the same.  Racism is never okay and it seems to be getting worse around the world.  😪

For personal reasons I am having my BBF account deactivated in the next couple of days.  I especially wanted to respond to your post as I know how horrible it is to feel everyone is ganging up on you.  I hope your nice neighbour is okay and when they get out of hospital you can both have a nice cuppa.  

I'm thinking of you. 😺

Rosie x

💜🩵

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you Rosie,

I’m so sorry you have that horrible behaviour to deal with too. Deliberately dumping dog poo in your yard is really an offence. You could report it to your local council but I know it can sometimes be more trouble than it’s worth and difficult to prove who’s done it.

It’s true, I could come across the same triggering people elsewhere. However, I think small towns can be particularly challenging when it comes to narrow views. My elderly neighbour, who is really lovely, said she’d never tell anyone in the town how she votes because they would treat her with disdain. She’s lived here for decades so it’s a pretty good indicator of how insular the town is. I feel like in a much larger town I would feel less isolated because there can be more diversity of views and more acceptance of diversity (still depending on the specific town of course but I already have one in mind where I think I may feel much more at home).

Moving will be really hard and exhausting, especially as I’m already struggling with health issues, but I think the atmosphere will remain oppressive staying here. The neighbours have stopped the loud, threatening statements so I think maybe the letter got through to them via the person it was sent to. But I don’t think they will be particularly friendly from now on. They were so staunchly aggressive before they will probably be too embarrassed to admit their behaviour was wrong in any way. But if I’ve made them think twice about tightly held racist attitudes I feel I’ve achieved something.

Rosie, you will be missed here and I hope you know you will always have support here if you want to come back. I can tell you are a really kind, sensitive and insightful person. What I’ve been gradually learning to do for myself is provide myself with the care that I haven’t received in my life. I realised I was going to have to be my number one carer. I’d just never been taught or shown how to care for my own needs. What I’m finding is that is giving me an inner strength, so what other people do, including bullying, has less impact than it used to. For me it is my inner child I’m protecting and caring for now. I wonder if you can find an inner protector in you who can take care of that vulnerable part within you? I know you have that capacity because your kindness, care and insight already show that.

I’ve found it takes time but it’s like a part of you that strengthens and can begin to repel negative things including any toxic behaviours from others. I can feel I am standing taller with a greater sense of my worth which creates a kind of calm steadiness and that increasingly sends a message to potential bullies to not just back off but to calm down themselves. Most of our communication is non-verbal so I think we can change what we do have power over which is our own energy and how we care for and carry ourselves. That can seem really scary to do at first, but coming from me who’s lived with intense fear all my life, I’m finding it is possible to change in this self-supporting direction.

Take care Rosie and sending you a supportive hug 🤗 xx

[Eagle Ray]

I have been lying in the back of my car on a hill next to a forest while rain showers move through for about an hour. I’m too tired to move at the moment. I don’t feel at home in my home anymore. I feel more at home here. I would happily camp out most nights if I could. It’s a strange feeling when you can feel you belong to the natural environment but not the world of people, or at least the people around you where you live. I have always been so accommodating to others, fitting into their world. But as I assert my own needs more I can feel the differentiation in values and whole ways of thinking and being. Here in this remote spot in the rain it feels normal and I am at home.

I realise how much many other people fill their lives with noise and distraction. It’s easy to do. I realise that can be like an aversion to being with oneself, including one’s own feelings and past. My angry neighbours have their own trauma. I can see how divisive views such as racism come from when people are divided against themselves and they turn that inner fracture outwards onto others. It becomes easier to blame someone else rather than face inner pain. 

In nature you become whole again and inner fractures begin to heal. I wish everyone could experience that. It allows you to go deeper into your own heart and then you can bring some of that healing energy back into the world of people.

I remember hearing a story about a

monk in Bhutan who spent time up on a mountain. Up there he would receive songs that would come to him. They were healing songs. He would then return from the mountain and share them with the people. There is music/stillness/healing in wild places and if people could stop enough to hear/feel it they would start to experience healing. Even trauma will start to work its way out in wild places which will hold you as it happens.

There is just a soft breeze and the rain has stopped. It is very quiet and there is some blue sky.

[quirkywords]

Rosie

I am sorry you are leaving BBF. 
I wish all the est.

thanks for your contributions. 

[white knight]

Sorry you are leaving, we are here if you need us. All the best

TonyWK

[Eagle Ray]

Just feeling sad today and need to express it. The neighbours I wrote about in this initial post remain hostile and it’s hard going day by day with the unpleasant energy. One of them is directly next door. She used to be bright and friendly. I waved and said hello to her yesterday and she very obviously ignored me. A few days ago I was weeding in my front garden and her dog who likes and trusts me came up for pats. I got licks and cuddles from him. But she didn’t like it and sternly called him back.

I just feel alone at times. I feel like because I had a trauma reaction to someone else’s racist statements based on a trauma that occurred in my own life, that has led to me being persecuted. The neighbours here I have heard make racist statements not just about the race of my childhood friend who was murdered, but another race that happens to be that of the husband of my kindest friend from the city. So if those friends were ever to come and stay with me, goodness knows what awful things they might say and do in relation to him.

Does anyone else live in a small town and feel like it’s extremely insular and isolating? I feel so torn because I love the landscape and wildlife here. That part is peaceful. But I don’t know how to belong to this community despite doing my best amidst extremely challenging health conditions. You are basically seen as worthless here if you are not seen as a “contributor”. Yet I have been so limited in my physical capacity to regularly contribute to specific activities and I haven’t felt at home with the people I’ve encountered.

Leaving will involve momentous effort which I have to manage alone. I struggle just to get through basic daily tasks. I know I can only do things very small steps at a time.

Despite all the hostility shown to me I have nothing but kindness in my heart towards others. I guess I experienced extreme isolation and separation from the beginning of life and that’s getting triggered. I almost started a job at the nursing home and hospice here before realising I was so unwell myself I couldn’t perform the tasks of cooking, cleaning, laundry etc for the residents. But I could also feel the severe weight of depression in that place. Even the manager showing me around told me the residents are very depressed. There is something in this town that isn’t right. But I have to endure through and look to the positives I can find until I’m able to move which will probably be back to the city.

Just trying to keep up my own spirits and carry on.