Dealing with racist views

[Eagle Ray]

*Trigger warning - potentially very distressing*

A couple of weeks ago I saw someone in town I knew. We were having a conversation when she began to express some generalised statements about a particular group of people. It progressively got worse into more blatant racism. I expressed that what she was saying was upsetting me. It then just got worse in terms of what she was saying and I found myself suddenly saying, "I can't continue this conversation, I'm sorry", and I just automatically left.

The reason it was triggering for me is because a really gentle soul from my childhood was murdered with the perpetrators even admitting they did it on the basis of race. It was this same group of people the above mentioned person in town was referring to. I am being particularly vague so as to protect the identities of people affected. So all these sudden trauma emotions came up for me around this issue and that's why something in me just took over and I said I couldn't continue the conversation and left as a form of self-protection.

The person I walked away from knows people in my unit complex and she has turned two of the residents against me. I am now dealing with daily comments that I hear clearly from the courtyard such as "F#%k her" and similar in reference to me. Today I wrote a one page letter to explain to the person I walked away from why her comments were so distressing for me, including explaining about the murder, and put it in her letterbox. I am hoping she may be more understanding as a result but not necessarily confident that will happen.

I now feel persecuted in my small town because I took a stance against racist speech. I feel like I need to leave and I just don't fit here. I love the surrounding landscape and feel connected to that, but I feel I am out of place in this conservative town and unless the people currently hostile to me can come to understand my point of view and past experiences, I feel I am going to be in an awful situation daily from now on.

Has anyone else ever dealt with anything like this? I actually feel unsafe and I already struggle with a whole lot of complex trauma issues around safety. I did talk to my psychologist today which was helpful. I am working on just standing tall and being straight forward and doing my best not to be intimidated. But I do feel very unwelcome here now. My closest friend in these units is my elderly neighbour who is now in hospital and so I'm concerned about her too. Just feeling very isolated.

[white knight]

Hi ER

yeh people... there are good ones and there are the funnel web in the underpants of society. I'm afraid you'll find them in every town as I've moved many times there is not a town that doesnt have abrasive people.

I think a knee jerk reation is the worst thing to do. In a few short months it will blow over. Sometimes an event will occur whereby you'll help someone and the word will get back to them and they think differently. Or, one mob will move and leave the neighbour without support and they think again.

In the meantime try to relax, low profile. I've developed a little arrogance in the last few years because I no longer assist or have a great approach to those that have few values. But distancing myself has given me more peace, I'm still civil and thats it.

TonyWK

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you Tony. Very good advice! You made me laugh with the “funnel web in the underpants of society” 😂 I was feeling quite down this morning thinking about the hostile behaviours. But they can also be viewed as ridiculous and I know I shouldn’t let myself be upset by them.

I think it’s true that if you are known for doing something good people start to change their perception of you. Small towns seem very fickle like that, like you have to earn your stripes. The person who made the original racist comments was someone who was suffering depression and loneliness when she first arrived here. I noticed she was emotionally down at the bakery and I invited her to sit down and have lunch with me. I’ve done other kind things for her since, but because I had difficulty with her racist views one day she has turned on me and depicted me as this awful person in her mind. She’s cultivated a friendship with my next door neighbour who she only vaguely knew before in what almost seems like a ploy to get back at me as much as possible by badmouthing me to her. She’s certainly succeeded in turning people against me. She was over there the other day for several hours and it’s just an unpleasant feeling knowing you are being judged and bullied. But I totally agree that trying to relax and just maintaining a low profile is important. I need to just rise above the silliness which is like schoolyard behaviour in grown women.

It may still be good for me to go back to the city where I have some good friends I feel very connected to. But I need to base that decision on my needs and not just be driven out of here by a few unpleasant people.

Thanks so much for your support Tony. It’s really helpful.

ER

[randomxx]

Hi there ER and sorry to hear about the situation.

Just wondering to from what you said there , would you prefer the city or the small town ? Supposing this stuff wasn't going on.

l grew up in Melb , we lived interstate 10yrs and back in Vic also in smaller towns area's later.

They're an art form that's for sure l've never really fitted. Where l moved to and lived past nearly 9yrs to stay close to my daughter growing up, was def' one of the better ones though but very limited. People were nice enough not sure if that's bc l never did really become involved though but never heard much gos. You could bring yourself undone there though like most. Over the yrs earlier l use to have too much city personality but l've noticed l started kind of meeting it in the middle in time, toning ti back, silly really isn't it butttt, most were just much simpler people and often in a nice way too really but l still never have really fitted, also saw some pretty narrow minds and resists type stuff too- even toward gf a bit..

Agree with Tony though things usually do blow over l've had a few things over the yrs and yeah too if the opp came up to help out in some way, noticed that myself too.

lf it's any consolation though, even at now ex gf's flat in Sydney, been all sorts of fun and games as well as some also pretty nasty too. But just awhile ago she was getting hassled by a drunk lady next door mths on end. Couldn't even come in or out without this woman having a go at her but she didn't even know the woman.

Anyway, l hope things come good.

rx

[Eagle Ray]

Thanks for your support rx.

In the past I always wanted to get out of the city. When I first came here in 2022 it felt like the right thing. I remember even writing something on this forum around Christmas that year that I was beginning to feel a sense of belonging. But since then I’ve struggled to connect here. Even without the current issue of hostile neighbours I think I’d feel ambivalent. I do miss my friends in the city and just having more options for connection with people. I miss being able to do some things too like go to the outdoor cinema in summer or a concert here or there. There’s more on in a town half an hour from here but if it’s at night there’s always heaps of kangaroos to negotiate on the road. I’ve never been as socially isolated as I am now.

There’s another town I felt a connection with in 2021 that I visited. It just felt kind of right. It’s an inland town and a lot hotter than here. But I read an article afterwards of a young woman who went there after a lot of trauma in her life and she said she found real connection there, like it was a new family for her. When I came here I had very severe ptsd symptoms and my health really collapsed, mentally and physically. It was really hard to try to participate in anything in the town. Only a few weeks in here one of the neighbours said aggressively, “What do you do with yourself all day, nothing?! I hope you know how to use a mop?” I’m thinking where is this judgement coming from? Last year when I was feeling very low, I got the courage to go to a local cafe to be around people to try to feel a bit better. The woman working there asked how I was. I said I’ve been having a tough time but getting there. I was trying to be positive. She replied, “Yeah, well pump up your own tires, no one else is going to do it for you”. Then she just repeated that condescendingly as she walked back to the counter. I walked out of there in a very bad way again. I think if I hadn’t called a helpline after that I wouldn’t be here now.

Sorry to write that all out, but just explaining the cold vibes I’ve had here. I’ve learned it is a very gossipy place. But I know there are some good people too and I have friendly interactions with several other neighbours and a few others I’ve met. But I hear you about the city. When I’m pet-sitting in the city I’m in a high crime inner suburb. There’s been drug-related deaths on that street and a man was arrested for a very violent crime just 50m away. The police helicopter is overhead regularly. Here in this town there’s almost no crime. I have the beautiful ocean close by and I know I’m very lucky to be here in many ways.

So swings and roundabouts as they say. I think I just have to take things one day at a time and a vision will eventually emerge about what is right for me.

I hope you are enjoying your travels rx and that you are doing ok. I hope you soon find some good people on your journey. I know like you said on your thread it can be a bit lonely at first. But hopefully soon you’ll meet some genuine, friendly people and make some connections.

Take care and thanks again,

ER

[randomxx]

Thx for the wishes ER , appreciated.

The rest , yeah , pretty well what l've found after25yrs out of Melb too, pros and cons to both. Spending a lot of time up at Sydney last few yrs been another dimension again. Most stuff gfx is having of late has turned up since l haven't been around up there but even before her block def' had it's own v weird vibe and tbh l was surprised there hadn't been more bs. Think l just got lucky on that one there's been a heap since.

Geez that sounds pretty mean spirited though, might well be the going norm mentality for that place then you think or ? They've been fairly forgiving in my town, ex town now, must admit and often quiet nice people there but at the same time l dunno , the word limited use to come to my mind a lot too, in that way. They also all had their own families or circles and an outsider well for me anyway, in nearly 9 yrs there was never really an invites or opportunity to blend into any new people.  luckily l really liked my place and it's outlook plus my d was either living there too or over a lot and gfx was also down from Sydney a lot too, if not for those l'd have been one very lone duck for sure.

Butttt, l always remember a big city can be the loneliest of all too sometimes so damned if l know.

l'm open to moving to where l want now, strange feeling after us living intestate and then back in various vic places and being married 22yrs, now it's all up to me, how bizarre.Couldn't go back to Melb later when the time comes and unless something else pops up in my travels now l do have an area and town in mind later, over 100k population plus 1000s more in towns around, we see, but l figure that;ll be a kind of midway compromise .

Sounds like the other town you mentioned there might be worth investigating if you do decide to leave where you are.Me l'm thinking if a turn and so a complete unknown for me later then l'll try to spend some time there first.

All the best

rx

[white knight]

Small to medium towns, eventually someone will mention in conversation that they are experiencing the very same issues as you have with them.

My wife and I were walking our 2x mini foxies (on leads) and several doors down our dogs were attacked by a vicious Staffy (no lead). The owner came out and said "its your fault for walking your dog on the footpath". The ranger educated her with a $380 fine. 

Then some time later their 6yo boy rode across the road and into a telegraph pole, hitting his head and falling. I ran to give 1st aid and as the parents arrived I told them to not pick move him but ring the ambulance. Turns out the Amboes told the parents its good that I didnt move him as there could have been a neck injury. I noted I didnt get a thanks which is fine, but the mother did return a "hello" 2 weeks later. Sometimes people is like fishing...

TonyWK

[Eagle Ray]

Hi rx and Tony,

Rx, it is good that you are mobile so that you can at least check different places out and then spend some time in a place if it feels good, if it has potential for a future home if you do feel ready to settle again. In my own travels, mostly in rural WA, I have found it fascinating how different towns feel different and can have different social dynamics. A lot of people retire to the town I’m in here and so there’s an older population who tend towards particular activities. The town I liked that I spent time in in 2021 is a Wheatbelt town, smaller again than here but closer to the city. I drove to another Wheatbelt town after leaving it and the whole feeling of the place was completely different even though just 30 minutes away.

If I return to the city what will help me cope with city life again are the lovely friends who mean so much to me. I find as long as you have good people connections you can be ok. But I won’t be so keen on the traffic, higher crime and less peace and natural surroundings compared to what I have here. I feel quite torn at the moment but I expect it will all become clearer in time.

Tony, it’s such a typical thing some people do isn’t where they do something irresponsible (have their Staffy off a lead who attacks your dogs) but try to blame you for it. Sometimes people not only don’t take responsibility for their actions but double down and start blaming you for things to abdicate responsibility from themselves. It’s good just calmly but assertively maintaining your ground as it sounds like you did and she got the appropriate fine. The fact you supported her so too, even though you didn’t get a thank you, demonstrates your good character. I think goodness does ultimately deflect the bad. I am practising just rising above my situation here and realising I am free, unlike the unkind neighbours who are trapped wallowing in their divisive hatefulness. I choose peace over being trapped in nastiness and aggression. It’s so much easier, I don’t know why people don’t just opt for kindness, care and understanding.

Thank you both so much for your support and have a great weekend!

ER

[randomxx]

Yeah the towns do vary so much er and can really surprise you can't they. l know what a tough decision it can be though and especially the city / rural bit and added to your sitch with your friends in the city, that is worth a lot, it's a big thing isn't it. Most of my family lives in a big city so for me there's that too but not only could l not even afford it there now anyway but l couldn't handle it either it's just too big, busy and crazy for me now love the la de dah life we live away from all that, does have it's prices but whenever l'm there now though getting outa there and home again later is just paradise. I have family l'm close to, the others all have their own familes and lives anyway. No friends down there these days, long time now.

Perth was a beautiful city when l went there moons ago , spose she's pretty big and busy these days though hey. lf you were thinking about it would it be possible to get out in some quieter outa area maybe .

Personally , my situation l'm trying not to even think about it atm , l'm sorta expecting to probably go down from here to the area l've been thinking about a few yrs now anyway- but who knows for sure. Maybe l stumble over somwhere else while going for a wander but it's all in the whatever basket atm.

[Eagle Ray]

Hi rx,

I think putting where you are going to live in the whatever basket sounds like a really good idea right now. I'm finding myself that the more I kind of surrender to just following my intuition on a day to day basis, rather than trying to solve the big picture of my future, the more things actually work out. You don't have to think of a future home at all right now. You can just enjoy exploring. I loved being on the road and I really didn't want to come home actually. I could have just kept going and going and I think I would have been perfectly happy. But I didn't have a setup to just keep travelling and would need a small caravan or motorhome to do it.

Perth is a beautiful city in a picturesque location on the Swan River. It has gotten pretty big now though. There's now over 2 million people, almost twice as big as Adelaide. When my mum moved from Adelaide to Perth in the late 60s Perth was actually the smaller city then. When I visited Adelaide in 2017 it actually felt like a peaceful relief after being in Perth. I arrived on a Sunday and it was so quiet and I could just hear a magpie calling, quite close to the CBD. I felt like I was in the country. Just 20 minutes walk from the CBD there is a rural parkland with paddocks with horses in them. I loved that!

The affordability of the city now is a huge thing. If I return there I will be going to a small one bedroom unit or bedsit. But even in regional areas now the cost of housing is high, though obviously less if you go to inland towns that have less demand. Part of me wants to live right near my friend who is in a dense inner suburb. But if I want greater proximity to nature in a less busy area it might be a case of moving to an outer area. If I'm prepared to go quite far out the real estate prices are a little better.

Enjoy your exploring rx!

[Eagle Ray]

Hi again,

Just returning to the topic of my original post because of being triggered today. I could hear one of the two people in my unit complex who has been hostile towards me speaking harshly and loudly this morning. We have a strata meeting in two and a half weeks and I am going to have to deal with her there. She has already said abusive things about me loudly to my neighbour directly across from me who is also the president of the strata group. I know he doesn't take her seriously and he is still friendly to me. But I realise how much I am dreading walking into the hostility of that room for the meeting.

The above mentioned woman has really bullied another strata member who sometimes has difficulty paying his strata fees on time, but always does even if a bit late. He is a kind, gentle person who goes every weekday morning to make breakfast for the kids at the primary school who don't get enough to eat at home. So he's a really good person but she screamed at him in one of the meetings. I am fully expecting to get abused at the meeting and persecuted in front of everyone there, even though her vendetta towards me has nothing to do with strata matters. On the one hand I know that I just need to remain calm. But the awful thing will be if I have to explain and defend myself in the meeting and the background context. I feel like I'll be forced to explain the murder of my childhood friend in the context of why she is even abusing me. I know that will be really emotionally triggering for me. It should have nothing to do with the strata meeting, yet if she starts accusing me of stuff in relation to her friend, I feel like I will have to explain the context of why her friend's racist comments were difficult for me. She has zero tact and no idea of appropriate behaviour, so it is very likely things will unfold unpleasantly.

Part of me wants to avoid the meeting all together and just fill out a proxy form and not be there to protect myself from upsetting interactions. Another part of me feels it might be good to be there and withstand the likely onslaught of abuse, just to learn how to cope with it and face the person directly. From comments the above woman made to my neighbour across from me, it sounds like the meeting is going to be a platform to character assassinate me and she's building herself up for an attack. It is so incredibly toxic. All of this because I couldn't cope with persistent racist comments from her friend back in July and politely excused myself. A few weeks after that incident the friend was trying to deliberately intimidate me, following me slowly in her car while I was out on a walk and glaring. I tried to see if she wanted to talk but she clearly intended purely to aggressively intimidate me.

Because of multiple prior trauma experiences of volatile abuse, all of this gets triggered by these actions in the present. So this morning I just felt sick to my stomach about the upcoming meeting. Sorry to write this long post. I'm starting to feel a bit calmer now but it's so absolutely awful when people who I have done no harm to and only ever treated respectfully are directing nasty aggression towards me. This town has really not been a safe and welcoming place for me. It's like a place that kicks you when you're already vulnerable. But I'm doing my best to keep being positive and find good things in every day.