Confused :(

[Br1sbaneg1rl]

Hi,

I’m really struggling at the moment.

My story; I have recently broken up with my partner, I love him but he’s said and done things recently which have really hurt me.

We had been together a year, the first few months were bliss and then he started to change, if I said the wrong thing he would flat out ignore me like he was teaching me a lesson, withhold sex and tell me I shouldn’t have said or done this or that. He had always been a little possessive but I took it as though he just really loved me, he has no friends, and isn’t close to his family so I was the only one who he could rely on. He’d often try and make me feel guilty or change plans if I made them with my friends or family and if I didn’t, he’d use it against me to further guilt me.

It felt quite innocent until he started losing control of his temper, the look of anger would consume his face and eyes and then he’d hit something, punch something or hit his head against the wall. I’ve never been frightened like that before, I didn’t know that side of him existed and every time he would tell me that I drove him to do it because I wouldn’t shut up or I’d say something to trigger him.

I didn’t speak with anyone until only recently but she mentioned that he sounded like a narcissist and I was being emotionally abused.

The man I fell in love with was a sweetheart.

I had been going through a tough time for months and it was becoming so overwhelming that I lost my appetite, had trouble sleeping and would become nauseas eventually vomiting. Sometimes a few times each night for a period of days. My partner became aware of this and asked if I was pregnant. I told him no, he’d asked me to get an implant in my arm which I had very early into the relationship. A couple of days after we had an argument and he told me if I fell pregnant then he would expect me to have an abortion and if I didn’t, he would most like resent me and the baby. I was devastated that he could say such a thing, I couldn’t breath I was so upset and all he just walked away and laid on the couch.

He blames everything on me and will not accept any responsibility. I would break down in front of him and he would roll his eyes.

What I’m struggling with most right now is that it feels like I had been sleeping next to someone I didn’t know for a year and I feel like he tricked me.

I don’t know if he is a narcissist or if this is emotional abuse but this doesn’t feel like just a break up, I feel like something has been taken from me.

[kanga_brumby]

Br1sbaneg1rl hi to me he sounds like he is trying to control you. In being abusive not at least meeting you half way on. Like several other people I have known have been in relationships similar to yours, In each one it turned out nasty and violent. One friend had to seek psychological help after the abuse she got.

I think he needs help.The way he is behaving, and if you take him. He could turn very nasty. I feel it would be better to move away from him for your own safety.

Peter

[Birdy77]

Hello Br1sbaneg1rl,

I can understand how you are feeling, as I have been in the same position and the way you described it in your final sentence is exactly the way it feels: that something has been taken from you.

I can't say if he is a narcissist, but the way you described him certainly sounds like it, and he was definitely emotionally abusive towards you, no doubt about that at all. The thing is, you have given and given and given of yourself, and be has been like an emotional black hole, sucking your energy and nothing positive coming back to you. I think that's why you feel so empty and as if something has been taken from you. It has! He has been an emotional vampire.

I am very glad to hear that you have stopped this relationship, it was extremely damaging and unhealthy. You said you feel tricked by him, and I understand that too ... so charming and sweet at the beginning, until the monster emerges ... very frightening.

I understand you are really struggling at the moment, and if my experience is anything to go by, it will take quite some time to heal from this, so please be very gentle and patient with yourself. It would be really good if you could get some support from a psychologist, I couldn't have done it without my counsellor.

I did a lot of walking too .... if there is a hobby you love or a form of exercise, these will be good friends to you now.

Something that really helped me was looking at recovery resources. There is an excellent website by Melanie Tonia Evans, called Narcissistic Abuse Recovery Central. I think you will find some helpful things to read there.

Please feel safe to come back here and talk to us some more. You express yourself very clearly and I think it will help you to keep talking here.

We will be here to listen and support you towards happier days ahead.

Thinking of you.

🌻birdy

[Br1sbaneg1rl]

Thanks for your reply Peter.

That was my fear after speaking with my friend and she mentioned that it was a form of domestic violence/emotional abuse.

I listened to her but I didn’t think it could be the case, I thought ‘but he’s so sweet sometimes’, ‘he doesn’t actually hit me or be violent toward me’. I’d see in movies that someone being abused would have the other person hit things directly around their body so I couldn’t possibly be in this situation.

I always saw the best in him and I didn’t think he was capable of any of this so I’m very confused and feel so disappointed.

Take care,

N

[Br1sbaneg1rl]

Hi Birdy,

Thanks for your reply.

That is how I feel, like I’ve had the energy drained from me.

I have thought about speaking to a professional over the past weeks and I think I will.

The more I talk about all of this, more and more memories keep coming back.

My partner actually broke up with me in the end, it was like he always had to 1 up me. If we were play fighting and I was tickling him, he’d jab me in the ribs or do something to get back at me leaving me with bruises. I have bruises on my ribs because of this and every time I look at them, I find it really upsetting. I would say at the time that it hurt or he was hurting me and he would just laugh and say no it wasn’t. I know that doesn’t sound like much but this happened a lot.

During our relationship he only ever apologised to me once, that was for accidentally breaking something I bought for him. Never for anything else. I would ask him why he never told me he missed me or loved me and he would just say, why do I have to say those things for you to know?

Each time I questioned something, he would punish me for it. Ignore me or yell. A week ago he yelled at me over the phone for so long and then stopped at said ‘Look, you’re making me lose my voice’. I did begin blaming myself and thought I just must expect too much.

He moved in with me and didn’t pay for anything for months, the majority of the time we lived together actually. I am terrified that I was being taken advantage of.

Every day I have the same thought, am I in love with someone who never really existed? Is this who he really is and the sweetheart I fell in love with, was that just an act.

We spoke about children and he would say that children take away from a relationship and put too much pressure on a relationship and he wanted it to just be he and I. He said he wanted to be ‘enough’ and for a long time I talked myself into thinking, he is enough but I always had the worry that it will always be me who has to sacrifice. He was working 7 days a week for a few months and every time I’d mention the lack of time we had together, he would question whether I really supported him and I should just make the most of the few hours we had together and if I was so worried about it then I should cancel my plans if it so happened to be he didn’t have to work due to the weather.

I feel like I was always giving and he was always taking.

I seem to be just babbling now.

I will look at the website you mentioned tonight, thank you!

Hope to speak again,

N

[Birdy77]

Dear N,

You have really been through the wringer, emotionally and psychologically.

Now it is time to start taking very gentle care of yourself. Start giving back to you, because for the last year you've been focused on giving to him, and making him comfortable and making him happy, and getting nothing in return.

I would love to hear what you think about the website, I think you will find it extremely interesting, and very helpful.

Looking forward to talking more with you.

Go very gently with yourself today.

🌻birdy

[Br1sbaneg1rl]

Thank you!

My last thought for today, I have been feeling lost and like I was going mad with my own thoughts going around in my head and when I have spoken about my feelings and relationship with my friends and family, I thought their opinions would be biased and one sided.

I know I only posted last night but thank you for your replies. It’s just nice to feel like maybe I’m not going mad after all.

It’s a beautiful day here today and I managed to get through some toast for breakfast.

N

[Birdy77]

Dear N,

That's great to hear!

I am very familiar with that feeling of the thoughts going round and round and round and feel like you're going round the twist.

You're not! And you are going to be just fine, now that you are out of that relationship and you will move forward to better, brighter, much happier days🌞. Enjoy the beautiful sunshine there today.

🌻birdy

[Br1sbaneg1rl]

Hi again,

My day started off really positively and then he rang me and I fell apart.

I had blocked him from my mobile but he rang me on my home phone which I don’t usually answer because I use it for work purposes and expected it to be the usual telemarketer. I didn’t even say anything, I just picked it up and heard his voice and fell apart again.

He said he called to see how I was and to ask if I didn’t care about him anymore because he text me about hurting himself at work and I didn’t respond. I didn’t know what to say but my reaction was to ask if he was ok, I panicked because I thought he was going to tell me he was in hospital. My voice broke, my hands were shaking and that nauseous feeling came back. I thought I was going to be sick. Google tells me this is anxiety.

He knows me and he knows how much I care and exactly how to get to me.

Yesterday was the first day in weeks that I haven’t cried and then I was a mess after that phone call.

It’s terrible how we can be so deeply be effected by simple contact.

I hope everyone had a more positive day than me today!

N

[Birdy77]

Hello N,

I am so sorry to hear you had that experience, and after such a positive day.

How annoying that now you will need to monitor your landline.

That is such typical behaviour, ringing to make sure you knew he was hurt ... he knows just how to get at you. One day he will no longer have that effect on you I promise, but it's going to take time.

You did the right thing blocking him from your mobile, in the recovery stuff they really emphasise No Contact. Unfortunately it took me a long time to enact this, and I didn't really start to make any headway until I enforced it.

It's a new day N, today can be a better day. Do you have plans to keep yourself busy today?

Hope you are ok.

🌻birdy