My Story

[PTSDone_with_this]

I found this today, currently crying under my blankets and decided to share.

for the last two years I’ve been dealing with a mental break, and have been diagnosed with PTSD My step father was Physically, Mentally and emotionally abusive as was my sister, my mother was indifferent and didn’t really care.

Since I was four I’ve feared for my life, I’m currently living with my sister after running away from my parents and I’m finding life with her just as hard as it was when we were children, she treats me like a servant because I fear her then makes me feel guilty if I speak out of turn. My journey into recovery has just begun and I’m terrified and feel alone and outnumbered.

Does anyone have any tips for me on dealing with guilt, self depreciation and living with an abuser?

thank you so much

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi PTSDone,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for joining us and being here.

It sounds like you have a hell of a lot on your plate right now so I'm glad you decided to reach out. I can definitely see why you'd be feeling alone and outnumbered. You mentioned in your post the diagnosis of PTSD; is this from a Doctor? Who is in your support group? It would be good to know if you've seen or considered seeing a psychologist given that we're always going to be limited in how much we can be here for you.

In terms of 'tips' though, the biggest one that comes to mind is self-care. As someone who was abused too, the biggest thing that impacted me was the aftermath; how the abuse made me feel, the bashing of my self-esteem and the feeling that 'I deserved it' because I wasn't good enough, worthy enough or loved. Perhaps it might help for you to try and just notice what sort of feelings and thoughts come up for you.

Remember - it isn't your fault and you're not responsible for any of this. I'm not sure if that's something you know, but I know it was something I needed to know (and still need to be reminded).

Hope this helps,

[PTSDone_with_this]

Thank you so much for your response, and yes it is a diagnosis from medical professionals.

about 18 months ago I had a complete mental break and was taken into the care of Orygen youth health, the originally diagnosed me with acute anxitey and generalised depression, it wasn’t until a few weeks ago that I was sent to Headspace to continue my treatment and my therapist there in conjunction with my GP diagnosed me with PTSD.

I’m still learning about the disorder and what it entails, last night I was in crisis after a particularly aweful row with my sister and just needed to vent.

i have left one house of abusers and entered another with my sister, she makes me feel like I’m insane and seeing things that aren’t there, but I know it is. I feel exactly how you described and it was just nice to read that I wasn’t alone, most importantly what you said about it not being my fault.

I often feel like everything is my fault and I’m always walking on eggshells around her. Because of my family situation my only choice is to live with my sister at my grandparents home, I was really just wondering how I can care for myself and my needs in my recovery whilst living in a household with someone who contributes to my condition.

Thank you so much

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi PTSDone with this,

Thanks for your post.

Apologies for the late reply!

Since you've been seeing Headspace, have you been talking to them about what's going on for you now? I kinda get the sense you're between a rock and a hard place - in wanting to recover but not really having the best space to do so!

Honestly I think the best way to work on recovery is to allow yourself that safe space - but that doesn't sound like it's an option right now sadly. So then what is it that is in your control? I don't really know what things are like for you right now but I'm guessing perhaps being in the house might not be in your control but being in the same room is. Being yelled at or abused might not be in your control but how you react (i.e. yell back or walk away) is. As an example when I was being abused (and living with them), there were so many things I felt I didn't have choices over - but I think it's about finding the little things you can do. What are the choices that you do have?

The other thing that I'll mention is to try and notice some of the ways that you talk to yourself. Having it be your fault for example can be such an automatic belief even if it's absolutely not true. What might you say if a friend was going through the same thing? How can you be kind to yourself even though there's so much negativity around?

Perhaps one thing is to use these things as affirmations - this isn't my fault, I will get through this, I am strong enough, I know I'm not seeing things (this is gaslighting by the way).. whatever feels right for you.

Hope this helps a little

[PamelaR]

Hi PTSDone

So pleased you've found the forums. Romantic's working really well with you. Not sure how much more I can add.

I'm not a counsellor or health professional, I'm someone who has PTSD, anxiety and depression. Romantic is absolutely right when she says - that's gaslighting, which is a tactic used to gain power over another. You haven't indicated how old you are, so I'm assuming you are young.

Are you choosing to stay in your grandparents house with your sister because you are young, or because you can't afford to live elsewhere? Are your grandparents around?

I do ask a lot of questions. There is pressured to answer if you don't want. It just helps me to respond.

What is it that you are seeing that your sister says isn't there?

From everything I've read from you, you're doing really well. Especially to have found your way to Beyond Blue and to write the posts you have. And that you are seeing a dr and therapist. It shows you are okay. I find it hard to give you strategies for managing your anxiety and depression when you are living with a person who triggers your PTSD all the time. Walking on egg shells isn't the best way to live your life, however, while you continue to live in her space this is maybe what you will have to do to survive and until you develop strong inner confidence to manage her and yourself. This is not going to happen overnight and will take quite a bit of work with your therapist and hopefully HeadSpace.

One thing you could try is - to STOP (Stop, think, observe and proceed) before responding to her comments, remarks.

Examine what she says with a very critical eye. You do not have to accept what she says about you. You can reject it. It's perhaps preferable to not voice that yet, until you have all the tools (help from therapist) to respond in a way that isn't going to generate further abuse.

Some really practical things to do when you are triggered and go into anxiety is -

• slow your breath, counting in for 5 and out for 5. Focus on your breath going into your nose, throat, chest, lungs and diaphragm. Keep this up.
• do some grounding, mindfulness, meditation (do a search in beyond blue forums) - lots of good threads
• exercise, go for a walk clear your head
• think about whether you can have a pet
• take up interests, hobbies, sport, social activities with friends

Hope some of this helps. Just remember you can heal from the trauma and abuse. It takes time and removal from the source.

I'd love to hear back from you PTSDone.

PamelaR