Compulsive Liar

[Jezza251]

Hi

Wasn't sure where to start, I'm 45 and need help with my compulsive lying. I used to always lie when I was younger and it never stopped, there were times when the truth was being shown in front of me and I would still lie. I have a wife and two kids and I don't want to accept this is who I am anymore. I'm not sure where to start so I am jumping on in the hope someone might be able to inform me of how I can stop this self destructive behaviour. I was abused as a child and part of me knows that might have been the start of this but I want to stop this defining who I am. I have a great life and it always feels like I get to a point where everything is awesome and then I go ahead and ruin it. please help as I don't want to lose my family as it's the only thing I've ever really had

[Jezza251]

Hey quirkywords

Thanks for your reply, yes I've been taking notes down and writing a list of things I want to bring up. I've really been getting better with the anti depressants and feel so much more content and feel like the need to lie is not really there anymore, looking forward to the next step

[Tardy]

Hi Jezza251

Please don’t lie to your professional health giver be it Doctor or psychologist. I can only guess as to how hard this may be for you. Right now I understand how much you have to lose. My partner saw a psychologist to save our marriage but I honestly believe he didn’t address the core of the problem. It was as though he felt like he pass with flying colours after three sessions. He was so chuffed with himself and shortly after continued his tormenting behaviour. After this he had no desire to go back and the problems continued. I’m wondering whether lying is your main problem, perhaps you should investigate why you have a desire to cheat. Try to delve into the core of the problem. It is wonderful that you’ve taken this step but please continue with whatever treatment you need., perhaps they’ll suggest couple counselling and remember if your not up front with what’s going on with you you’ll be hurting yourself terribly. Also keep up your treatment. Childhood abuse counselling can be extremely painful and will certainly stir up some mud... Good luck and love to you.

[Jezza251]

Hi Tardy

Thank you so much for your reply, I have my first psychiatrist appointment on Thursday so very nervous at the moment. I've been so much more honest with talking to my wife lately, talking about some of the events from my childhood caused a really bad panic attack. I've spent a lot of time at home since being on anti depressents. I genuinely have had such a postitive reaction from them that I wonder just how bad things were in my mind. The first time I cheated on my wife I was drinking a lot and using illegal drugs and was taking prescription medications. I was running around like a head less 18 year old training every day riding my mountain bike 4 times a week as a 43 year old with rhumatoid athritis and lupus. the second time was me communicating with her which never resulted in me seeing her but is just as bad. I can't really explain why I sometimes do the things I do. I was saying o my wife since I started anti depressents I feel like a hole in my chest is gone and I don't want anything else than just her and my family. I', approaching this as something I need to be open about which is probably why I wrote so much detail this time. I feel like this forum has gotten me used to opening up. It hasn't been easy but I just need to stop the events of my past controlling my future. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me, makes me realise I'm not alone. I guess I would just love a diagnosis. something to just say this is the issue so I can start to try fixing it. But I don't think I would have gotten to this moment with out seeing the doctor when I did. the temptation to go back to old habits would have been to great and I would have formed a lie to get me out of it. one night when I was talking to my wife I brought up that she never wanted me to be on anti-depressents in the past, she felt so gulty and asked if she was partly to blame. I told her straight up what I could have said If I was to lie and then told her she isn't in any way responisble for anything that I've done. I was a bit proud of myself for that, feel like it was a little step.

Sorry for the essay the words just flew out today so I obviously need to get on here more often.

Thanks again and best wishes to you as well

Jeremy

[quirkywords]

Jezza

I was moved by reading about your past and the insights you have gained .

You write with such honesty and emotion.

I hope you find the appointment helpful and as you know it will take time.

You are not alone as many people reading your posts will never post and you have helped them not to feel alone .

There iis support here .

I admire the way you are determined to change and learn new ways of behaving.

Quirky

Uou

[Jezza251]

So today I went to me see my pyschiatrist and got a diagnosis of complex ptsd. It was seriously the best thing, everything I said she told me that all my symptoms are normal for someone who has suffered the abuse that happens to me. It's the first time that I have felt like I am not a bad person. I feel like for the first time I feel like I'm on the road to recovery

[paddyanne]

Hi Jeremy. Everything you describe re: past actions, taking illegal substances, habitually cheating on your wife, drinking etc, everything you did was a form of escape from the abuse you had endured while at home. Lying about your home life was the start. Then the lie became your reality so you continued escaping by lying more, then indulging in cheating, drinking substance abuse. I suspect the substance abuse was to strengthen your ability to lie to escape. When we habitually lie, we have to embellish on the lie to make it believable. It's possible the substances you took gave you the ability to cheat so you started to lie to the females so they would feel sympathy for the life you created. Huge congrats for having the guts to be so open and candid here. Learning to be honest can be as hard as trying to remember the lies you told, then having to remember who you told what to. Maybe the only way to describe you is to be honest and say you're an habitual liar. I'm not judging you, far from it. You are extremely courageous and you are doing everything possible to start afresh. Don't look back, look toward a future, accept you had a sickness and you are getting treatment for it. I'm proud of you and hope everyday is better than yesterday. Yesterday has gone, tomorrow is waiting.

[quirkywords]

Jezza,

am glad you feel like you are on the road to recovery however and wherever that road takes you.

Paddyanne has said what I wanted to say, so I wont repeat myself.

You are not alone and there many people supporting you on your journey and by your honest posts you have helped many reading this and thinking about starting off on their journey.

Thanks again and keep us up to date if you want to.

Quirky

[Jezza251]

Hi

So a bit of an update

I have been in therapy for the last few months and everything seemed to be going a bit better.i had gotten a new puppy and found that he was really good at helping me through the tough times. I had been doing a good job of being honest with my wife and everything was good.

Three weeks ago I lost my dog gemma of 14 years and I coped with that better than I had for my other dog who passed away a few months earlier. I started to really crave cigarettes though in a massive way.

I told my wife almost daily that I had these cravings as I wanted to be honest. I caved in and bought a packet yesterday. when she asked me if I was smoking today I straight up answered yes, but I didn't realise it was a betrayal of her trust by not telling her yesterday, she said that she always had to find everything out before I admitted it.

she then said that the best thing for her was to just accept that I was always going to keep things away from her and that she just needed to not let it bother her anymore.

This floored me as I have really been trying my heart out. I'm out on the deck tying this out in hope that it helps me.It really sucks when you have all your choices as a kid taken away from you and you never have the opportunity to develop healthy strategies for life. then you finally do get the help you have needed and you're then missing out on what life should really be like. feeling really hopeless right now. even though I know that I can get through everything It just really sucks when you d=fail