Compulsive Liar

[Jezza251]

Hi

Wasn't sure where to start, I'm 45 and need help with my compulsive lying. I used to always lie when I was younger and it never stopped, there were times when the truth was being shown in front of me and I would still lie. I have a wife and two kids and I don't want to accept this is who I am anymore. I'm not sure where to start so I am jumping on in the hope someone might be able to inform me of how I can stop this self destructive behaviour. I was abused as a child and part of me knows that might have been the start of this but I want to stop this defining who I am. I have a great life and it always feels like I get to a point where everything is awesome and then I go ahead and ruin it. please help as I don't want to lose my family as it's the only thing I've ever really had

[Jezza251]

Thanks for the reply paddyanne

I actually thought hard about this one, I think I'm so used to having bad things happen that I feel more comfortable in times of stress. when everything is going well I seem to do something bad. I've taken my first step by telling her some truths, I started a truth book as well. I'm still going to go to the doctors ,but I think this may be a good start. hopefully I can continue to try to be truthful

[paddyanne]

Hi Jezza251. Is a 'truth' book similar to recording daily events in a personal diary? If it is, you would still have to admit that you lied about so and so. I realize admitting to lies is hard, but in the long run getting trust is important. If you have the courage to admit such and such was a fabrication, then accept that you can't simply quit because the habit is so ingrained, the answer lies in admitting how the compulsion to lie started. We all want to lay blame on others when our actions threaten our happiness. However accepting responsibility for our own actions (good and bad) is showing strength of character. I suggest you enter where you think the problem started i.e your brother's abuse and acceptance of 'getting away with it'. No matter what he did, he's no longer involved and your problem has escalated. Keep going with your book and take it when you see your Dr. It will enforce your genuine desire to change your destructive behavior.

[Jezza251]

Hi paddyanne

No my truth book is writing down lies that I've told, I read in another person's feed that writing down lies can some times make confessing the truth easier, and it can help. I've made my appointment for the doctor and have been addressing the things that happened in the past with my wife. It doesn't excuse my lies or my actions. I'm just trying to make a start somewhere

[PamelaR]

Hi Jezza

Good on you for making a start. It does take courage, it's never easy. But you are taking steps and really that is good.

You have talked about addressing things that have happened in the past with your wife. How has that been going? Is she supportive.

Kind regards

PamelaR

[paddyanne]

Hi Jezza251. In a way this truth book is similar to keeping a diary because you are still recording lying and why. I guess you still have to address where the original problem began, the abuse you suffered. Your brother is no longer part of your life, but he is the start. Perhaps too, enter in the book your intense love for wife and family, which is like the base of your new life. Each new phase of our life's journey has a base (foundation). You left an abusive home life and married, there began the next phase, but you carried emotional baggage with you (we all carry emotional baggage). To discard the emotional baggage (the lies which your life is founded on), is where you now begin the next chapter and this is where the baggage has to stay. Once you learn to leave the baggage where it lies, telling the truth will become easier. My sibling (I have no contact with him) bases his entire life on fabrication. Mum used to make excuses for him, the main one being (he's only joking, ignore him). Unfortunately this permitted him to continue and he now lies quite unashamedly about everything. He will tell whoever listens that: 1) He's adopted, 2) He's part Maori, 3) Mum slept with Maori's during her marriage to my dad or 4) The most hurtful: We have a brother that was adopted out at birth. None of it is true but even challenging him is useless as he will lie to cover the lie. In his case, his base (emotional baggage) is very much what he thinks is his life.

[Jezza251]

Hi Pamela

Yeah she's being supportive and has been really way better than I deserve. It tears me up to see her in such pain though. I went to the doctors and was prescribed anti-depressents which I think have really helped. I've also booked an appointment with a pyschiatrist so Have really got the ball rolling. Just trying to convince my wife that this time will be different is impossible so I'm just trying to be here for her and I think sorting my past will be very important to my future

[quirkywords]

Jezza251

I have caught up on yourvthreda and am so impressed by your determination tonget help and work through your issues and insights into your lying.

Pamela and Paddyanne have been very supportive and just wanted to add my support.

I used to lie a lot when young because I didn’t like who I was. When I was manic I made up many stories which I saw as harmless but others saw as lies.

when I was on medication for my moodswings Imlearnt I didn’t need to lie.

I see you have been honest here and are getting help.

thanks again for being open here as your threadwwill help others with a similar problem.

Quirky

[Buggywug]

Hi Jezza. You sound very motivated and perhaps you became a liar as a self-defence mechanism after being abused? I suggest that a psychologist who specialises in trauma would probably be a good start. Being able to discuss your life story and current situation in a non-judgemental atmosphere, and being given techniques to help overcome self-destructive behaviour can be of enormous benefit, as I can testify from first- hand experience.( I also suffered bad childhood abuse). I think a visit to your GP would be a good move, because he/she can work out if you may need psych. medication as well as psychotherapy. Whichever it is, the fact that you can unburden yourself to trained practitioners is an enormous relief. The positive thing is that you appreciate your life and family and that's a great incentive to seeking professional help. I wish you all the best!!

[Jezza251]

Hi Buggywug

Yeah I've got my referral and am on anti-depresssents which have made such a difference so far. Feeling positive about my future for once and looking forward to seeing my psychologist as well (daunted as well). Thanks for your reply and support

[quirkywords]

Hi jezza,

Thanks for letting us know about yours referral and medication.

Just a suggestion you could write down a few points to take to take to the psychologist so you have them in front of you if you need them. You could even edit and cut and post some of your posts here.

Quirky